Post # 1
This is what FMIL told us when we told her that we will not be having our wedding in a church and will not be changing our minds about that. FI and I are absolutely not religious and do not want to get married in a church or sit through a long boring mass on a Friday night. We instead opted to be married outdoors at a beautiful garden at our reception location. We love the outdoors and also since I have quite a few out of town guests I felt that having the ceremony and reception at the same location would be easier for them all. We opted to have our officiant conduct a religious based ceremony, but FMIL is still not happy and accuses us of being selfish and not doing anything the right way.
I tried to compromise by doing the religious ceremony, but FI and I are paying for this with not one dime from either of our parents and would like the wedding to reflect us an our personalities. Is it selfish of us to think this way or is FMIL just being a drama queen??
Post # 2
This isn’t selfish of you at all.
The wedding is about just you and your fiancée. Others may be emotionally invested and involved in the day, but the two of you are getting married — two people, not three or four or five.
You’ve already tried to compromise, and it’s not being accepted, so you’ll just have to ignore her. Let her whine, let her be grouchy, let her stomp her feet; at the end of the day the wedding will and should be how you and your fiancée want it to be.
Post # 3
If you aren’t religious having a religious ceremony just makes a mockery of the whole marriage ceremony. WHy? Because you won’t be the least bit invested in your marriage ceremony! Since religion and faith (whatever a person’s flavour it may be) is such a deeply personal thing by it’s very nature, having her try to dictate it for your wedding is BEYOND rediculous.
My maternal grandfather was an Anglican priest. My SO and I went to the same Catholic school. But if we had a wedding in a church our parents would be FLOORED and would wonder if we got body snatched. We will be having a civil ceremony with some Celtic pagan undertones, because THAT’S how we roll.
Long story short. Tell your MIL to shut uuuup.
Post # 4
She’s being a drama queen. I have one of these too, she goes in phases where she thinks we DEFINITELY must get married in an “Anglican church” (none of us are particularly religious, least of all specifically Anglican).
Tell her to back off and shut up. If she doesn’t like it and thinks it’s so wrong, she doesn’t have to come. It’s not her wedding, it’s yours.
Post # 5
thefuturemrsD: I’m a Christian and I think you’ve compromised more than enough. In fact many church-going Christians opt for outdoor weddings these days anyway.
To me, “The marriage isn’t just about you” means you take your parents’ concerns into account, not that you let them dictate things
Post # 6
I think that you are going above and beyond to accomodate for a religious ceremony already. FI and I aren’t particularly religious either and of multi-faith families. I know his darling grandparents would love to see us marry in a Greek Othorodox church but as much as I adore them, it would not seem right to parade around as if I were religious when I’m clearly not. Plus I’d need to get baptised… lol
I hope you can get through to your FMIL, I don’t think you’ll be able to please everyone. Just do what will make you both happy, it is after all YOUR day and totally about celebrating YOU both!
Post # 7
thefuturemrsD: You are not being selfish at all. The wedding IS about you (funny that!). You are absolutely doing the right thing, it’s your day, your decision. Don’t budge or you’ll just be setting a precedence and she’ll think she can get her own way with everything!
Don’t let it spoil things for you, just smile, nod, and stick to your guns! You’ll be so glad you did 🙂
Post # 8
I agree with the posters above. You tried to be accomodating in a way that probably (sorry if i’m assuming) already doesn’t feel completely true to you and your FI as a couple and she’s still not satisfied. You’d think that saying something like “we’re not religious and having a religious ceremony in a chuch would feel fake and disingenuous to us as a couple” would be enough to get your point across. she thinks your wedding isn’t all about you, fine (i disagree, but fine) that does NOT mean it has to be all about her either. how rude.
I’m eager to see how this turns out. I’m not engaged yet, but my BF came from a religious family (grandmother is a pastor) and it’s overwhelmingly obvious if you’ve spent any time with them. I’m not religious and if BF and i get married, I dread trying to deal with this landmine. BF isn’t religious in that he doesn’t pray, go to church, etc. and he’s never mentioned anything remotely religious in our 1/5 years together.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Post # 9
Your FMIL is selfish not you! If she wants it her way, then she can pay for it and go ahead and do it on her own. Your wedding is supposed to be only about the two of you.
Post # 10
thefuturemrsD: FMIL is being a mom-zilla. Her precious baby boy is getting married and she’s probably realizing soon you will be the main woman in his life…and she probably hates that!! (or she’s just in complete denial and thinks the world revoves around her…). Either way, it’s your wedding and your choice how you wish to conduct it. Sure, it’s about other people too, but you should still make the final call on things. WHen I got engaged I got TONS of feedback, expectations, assumtions about how things would go. In some cases they were helpful, but mostly, everyone just wants to give their 2 cents and feel like the contributed. It’s best to follow other posts advice and stick to your guns! FMIL might not like the idea now, but when it all comes together I’m sure she will see that the ceremony was YOU and it will be great. And even if she doesn’t, what matters is your marriage and relationship with FI, not what someone else things. Thank her for her recommendations, and kill her with kindness (nothing worse than a bridezilla! :D) but let her know that you and FI have th ceremony plans set and can’t wait to execute them. it’s best to focus on the good rather than fight her on the negative.
Post # 11
thefuturemrsD: it sounds like you’re being selfless by trying to incorporate religion for the sake of your FMIL. Some people just cannot be pleased. I wouldn’t stress one bit over it. This day is about you and your future husband and that’s the most important thing to remember. IMO your FMIL should be able to give suggestions but not to the point where she’s no longer respecting your wishes and is putting her “wants” before yours. It’s YOUR day, and I would politely let her know that.
Post # 12
thefuturemrsD: LoL i really hate when people make comments that the wedding isn’t “just about you” um, reality check, it sure as hell is about us, if it weren’t for us, there wouldn’t be a celebration. When a bride & groom decide to have a wedding celebration with guests, they are considerate and good hosts to make sure that their guests are fed, entertained, etc.
If you don’t feel comfortable having a religious ceremony, don’t have one. You should never do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
DOn’t let her bother you, I know its your FMIL, but sometimes they (and I mean anyone, doesn’t matter who it is) needs to mind their own business and realize that YOU are paying for this and they should have zero say in what you do. Again, it is YOU AND YOUR FI’S DAY.
Post # 13
It’s a good thing you are paying yourself! Sorry you have to deal with her!
Post # 14
I think the ceremony should definitely be about you. It’s joining you together and should be done how you want. I’m one to believe the reception is more about the guests and being a good hosts, etc but wouldn’t compromise on any of the ceremony.
Post # 15
MONEY TALKS= the only people who get an input in the wedding are the ones paying for it!