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That's terrible! So sorry you're dealing with it. My biggest advice is to talk to your FIL *immediately* and get this cleared up. And make sure your FH is doing most of the talking. When it comes to parents, it's always much better to let each kid deal with their own parents. Hope everything is okay! Keep us updated!
While it's traditional for the brides' family to pay for most of the wedding expenses, usually it is the grooms' who pays for the rehersal dinner. That's just customary. They want to obviously stick to tradition and do the rehersal dinner since they said they'd be paying for the food for OOT guests. I'd go ahead and have a rehersal dinner.
In recent years lines are blurred. I was married before and had a huge wedding and paid for most of it myself. My grandparents bought the flowers though and I and my FI (now xh) paid for the food at the hotel reception and the drinks, cake, and everything else. My parents maybe gave me $500. But his parents did do the rehersal dinner. I was up front and honest with everybody.
And when I remarry, I'll probably carry some of the bill and my soon to be FI will carry the other half.
Might I ask, what is the economic breakdown of what your parents are paying for vs. his parents?
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Wow! That's pretty bad. I think the advice to have your FI call his parents and straighten it out. Maybe say that each family is giving according to their means? And that you don't want them to feel obligated to contribute if they don't want to?
Oh no! I agree with rosychicklet. It is time for FI to intervene!
Usually it is best for the person whose parents are being talked to, to do the talking. (Wow that was a mouthful.) But for what it's worth, in this case, I think you both should straighten this out with his parents. Definitely don't do it without your FH. But it's you in the thick of it. If you talk to them together you'll have a united front. If your Fh just talks to them, it will look like you're just hiding behind him. I don't know why. I just feel that way in this case.
For example, maybe your Fh could ask his parents to just come to you two with concerns. He felt embarrassed that his dad left that message to his future in laws. Then you could say how your really sorry for the misunderstanding, and never intended to ask them to pay for your entire wedding reception. That way your FH can take the heat off you, and you can be proactive in repairing the problem with an apology.
Just for clarification- did you ask for FILs to pay for food at the wedding instead of RH? Because there's a big price difference between the two.
Also, was the monetary gift specified for the wedding, or was just a flat out gift of money for you and FI?
This sounds like some major wires crossing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with the other girls, you (and FI!!) need to get this cleared up as quickly as possible!
No matter what the traditions are, that was WAY out of line for him to do that. I would have your FI talk to him asap.
WOW! I cannot believe that he did that! What did your parents do/say? What did your fiance say? I see nothing but inappropriateness in what he did...agreed, get the fiance to talk to him. Ick.
Yikes!
Miscommunication at it again!
Definitely have your FI speak with his dad very candidly about what contributions the two of you expect from him. If he was offering a monetary gift, have your FI tell him that you both appreciate it and he doesn't need to worry about the planning of it, you'll both just add it to your budget, and figure it out. Since it's money, you don't have to specify that it's going toward any one thing (like food) until after you've done all your planning. That'll prevent him from trying to call around and book vendors.
What did your parents say about it? How wierd is that voicemail??
Eek! Sounds like it may be a little uncomfortable at the next family dinner.
In retrospect, I would have suggested you have your fiance discuss financial issues with his family. He understands better than you how traditional or progressive they. Let your fiance be clear with his father that if he has an issue to discuss it with your fiance first.
Good luck!
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I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure it was incredibly upsetting. If your FIL was upset he should have addressed it with you and your FI and corrected the miscommunication. He should not have left the message he did for your parents.
I agree with the prior posts -- have your FI take the lead in talking with his father. I would make sure he relays how upset you are, that the TWO of you never meant to offend him (get across that you and FI are both involved in planning). Just know that there is time to smooth this over. Try not to let this spoil your excitement and enthusiasm in the planning process.
Good luck!
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I agree with Liz.Smith. Your fiance needs to play a VERY active role in this. I would get in contact with you FI as soon as possible. While it will be nerve racking and uncomfortable its the only real way to solve it. There is obviously some miscommunications and assumptions going on and the easiest way to solve it is to go to the source. Good luck and can't wait to hear how it is resolved!
Thanks everyone, it felt so good to vent! My FI called his dad yesterday after all this happened and basically his father got mad and said the only reason he left that message was because he had the best intentions for his son. What he claimed this meant, was that right after we got engaged his family found out that my parents were only able to contibute $2000 and my FI & his family thought they should pay for the whole wedding, FI was venting to his parents about our money fustrations, but it is what it is. So, FIL claimed that due to this discussion that took place with months ago was the reason he called my parents. FIL never apoligized to my FI for embarrsing him and although my FI explained to him that this was rude & out of line, his dad doesn't think so.
We are supposed to be having dinner with them tomorrow, but I told my FI we should cancel that and only meet up so that I can talk to my FIL face to face. Basically the only thing I will tell him is that this was extremely rude and highly inappropriate, and the next time he has an opinion he needs to discuss it with his son or myself first. I am also going to tell him that we no longer would like to accept their monetary contribution. How does that sound? Should I include anything else?
This whole situation has kept my stomach in knots, at first my mom didn't even want to tell me that my FIL called b/c she knew it would upset me. Luckily enough they arn't letting it bother them, they think it was highly inappropriate but they think its funny because they now think my FIL has a screw loose, because who does that??!! Thanks everyone for your advice and we'll see how it goes tomorrow!
To answer a previous question: my parents are contributing $2000, and FILs "gift" was $1000 (but clearly they are upset and truly don't want to give us this $ so no biggie, Its supposed to be a gift so since its not, I don't want it!)
That is insane. Please keep us updated on the situation- he sounds like a freak!
@Annie- I understand that you are upset, but though you didn't necessarily do anything wrong here, re-think the idea of saying that he was rude and inappropriate and that you are rejecting his money. You might do permanent damage to the relationship.
Any good conversation starts with hearing the other person out. Then, tell them how the situation made you feel. I don't mean, "You made me feel...", but more like, "I felt really sad that I might not have communicated accurately enough with you..." or "I was really hurt that I found out about this from my mom."
If there is one thing I am learning through wedding planning, it is that there is a ton of family drama that is magnified and re-inacted through weddings. It is better to rise above it and not let it get to you than to get sucked in.
I think by going the route you intend, you will be doing damage to your reputation that might take some time to repair. Vent to us, and then let it go!
Sorry that you are going through this. I definitely know the feeling of shaking and having your stomach in knots... Try not to show that to anyone but FI!
It's good your fiance talked to him!
Personally, I would find another way to cover the cost of food at the reception. You were offered a rehearsal dinner, I'd take him up on his generosity and leave it at that. He sounds stubborn so I would just give in. Goodluck!
I don't have much more input then the others put here but I agree with doctorgirl. For your sake and the "relationship" that can be built between you and FIL. But I completely hear ya I would be strangling my FH and asking what his father was thinking! I hope everything works out - I'm crossing my fingers for you!
Just to add, knowing my familys financial situation, I have been saving for my wedding for years, I can afford to pay for the wedding; this all came up b/c my FI's parents are upset that my parents arn't paying for it. My FI sees my saved money as our money and since I'm spending it on our wedding, this is why he was upset and venting to his parents. The RD discussion was decided a while ago ( I simply brought it up as an option) which his parents decided against, no problem. It was then at that time that they offered to give us a $1000 gift, of which my FI mentioned we would prob use towards food for the wedding. Their gift doesn't make or break our wedding we just thought it was nice that they offered to give us a gift in addition to the RD.
@AnnieAAA
I agree with doctorgirl. I think it is so awful that you have had to go through this and your FIL is very clearly in the wrong. However, despite that, I really think it would be the wrong decision to tell your FIL that he was rude and inappropriate. Yes, it's true that he WAS rude and inappropriate, but telling him this may destroy your relationship with him permanently. This can have profound implications for your fiancee, you, and your future children. Yes, he was totally wrong, but he's probably under some false assumptions and just got too heated. If you can let it go, I really think you'll thank yourself later.
Just my two cents though -- it REALLY sucks that he's put you in this position.
To add my advice: I think the first thing you should do is talk to your fiance and make sure that you're on the same page, because it doesn't sound like you are. You may be ok with spending the money you've saved on the wedding, but your fiance isn't. It may be too late, but you need to sit down and talk finances with your guy before you talk to his parents.
Venting to parents can also be a dangerous habit to get into, parents get protective of their kids. You don't want all of the things your FI has complained about to be the first things in their mind when they talk to or see you.
As far as the future in-laws, it doesn't sound like they know your family's financial situation. It also sounds like they're very traditional and don't understand that it is possible for couples to pay for their own weddings. Before you point any fingers about ... anything ... explain that your family is doing well, but does not have much spare money to spend. Knowing this, you've been saving up for a long time specifically for your wedding. It would really help if you and your FI were on the same page here.
Good luck and try to stay calm!
Hi, I'm a couple days slow here, but I wanted to add another thing I noticed that might help your conversation. It sounds like your FIL's are fairly controlling people. I remember your posts about the original RD drama, and it seems they just really like having things the way they want them. Is it possible that your FIL was offended b/c you suggested a different caterer? And that he's transformed it into being offended about who's paying for the wedding itself? It jsut seems to me that irritating as it is that they are insisting on having an event you don't want, if you allow them to just do it however they want they might feel more satisfied and be less judgmental about the wedding day itself. Just a thought...it just really struck me b/c the phone call came right after you had the conversation about the caterer.
Your FIL was way out of line to discuss an issue he was having with you with your parents.
I am also a bit concerned by your statement that your FH was venting to his parents because he disagrees with the wedding budget.
My family may or may not be paying for my wedding since we are currently fighting (for long, boring, and irrelevant issues).
I can afford to pay for my dream wedding out of my savings, with a substantial amount leftover. But- and this is a really important but - I don't know if my fiancee and I can afford to pay for the wedding of our dreams, buy a home large enough for a family and start saving for our future children's college educations. I would imagine that it is exactly this type of calculation that your fiancee is currently making. You don't need to answer any of the following questions on a public forum, but they are worth considering and discussing with your fiancee before you set your budget:
Do you and/or your fiancee own your own home? If not, would you still have enough money for a down payment on a home after paying for your wedding?
Are you and your fiancee planning on having children soon? If so, are both of you planning to work after having your children? Can your family afford to live on one salary or can your family afford the daycare/nanny that would be needed if both of you work?
Have you and your fiancee begun to save for retirement?
Are either of your jobs likely to be affected by the current economic crisis?
I don't know the first thing about your financial situation (and it is absolutely none of my business). You may be able to easily afford all of these goals (in which case you can feel free to ignore my entire post). But if you spend a substantial portion of your savings on the wedding against your husband's wishes and then find yourself in financial crisis a few years later, it may cause a significant strain on your relationship. Problems with finances have been cited as a significant cause of marital stress and of divorce.
On the other hand, if your FH has been less diligent than you about saving, you might resent him if you don't get to spend your savings on your dream wedding. So the two of you really need to sit down and come to an agreement on your budget that you both can be happy about (or at least not resent).
Thanks everyone for the advice on all aspects of this issue. We met with my FILs and basically got nowhere, he didn't apologize to me or to my FI, nor does he think he was inappropriate in the least. I couldn't belive it but my FMIL blammed my mom for playing me the message and neither one of them admitted that what my FFIL did was the least bit wrong. FILs are very controlling and we deemed the best course of action will be to move forward with FH parents paying for their familes out of town dinner the night before and nothing else.
On a positve note FI & I are on the same page when it comes to the budget for our wedding and agreed to move forward with my parents contribution as well as some of our savings :) Thanks ladies so much for letting me vent about this insane situation!
first off, this is not the worst family drama ever. my FIL and maybe BIL will not be attending the wedding. so while you think this is bad, it can always be worse,
i can understand why your FIL is a bit angry. it was very nice of him to agree to host a RD. you have NO say in what he chooses to serve. its his money and its his choice. we could only hope that he would be gracious enough to let you help coordinate the meal. if i was going to throw someone a party and then they told me the food wasnt what they wanted, i would be extremely offended! it was wrong of him to call your parents. it was also wrong that you didnt go through your FI. he should be the one dealing with his parents.
good luck! keep us posted.
Wow, drama. If it were me, first I would make sure your family knows exactly what is going on, so they don't feel like this is a big blow to them. Secondly I would have a conversation with the FIL so that he knows you and your family received the message, and explain that he is taking things the wrong way. I would ask him why he offered some money to use at your choosing if he was going to react this way about it. He must not get that you are trying to create an event that everyone, including his side of the family, will enjoy and you are just trying to direct any money available to the wedding in order to give everyone the best.
Frankly I think you FIL is being a little crazy. Why give you money then freak out!? I they gave you a check that you immediately cashed after that offer!! Good luck with everything.
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Okay Bees I am in shock right now. Here is the background story. My future in-laws have had an underlying problem with the fact that my parents arn't paying for our entire wedding. The drama started when we found out we were not having a rehearsal the night before, and asked his parents if they would like to pay for the food at the wedding instead. Yada yada yada they decided they still wanted to pay for a dinner the night before for our OFT guests regardless of us having a rehearsal or not. SO they turned around and offered to give us a monetary gift that we could us as we wished, which was very nice and we thought everything was done. Then the next time we saw my FIL he had a caterer that he picked out (without asking me if it was the type of food I wanted) but no biggie I kindley asked if FIL would be open to a different type of food and that I would love to plan this with them.
THEN, I found out today that my FIL called my parents (who he met once for 30mins a week ago) and left a voicemail stating "there is something that has been bothering me, I am not aware if you know it or not but your daughter has asked us to pay for a large amount of the wedding dinner and I'm not aware if you know this but the bride's family typically pays for the wedding, and I don't know what the situation is but I am just shocked that your daughter has asked us for money and is not having these conversations with you and just wanted to make you aware of it." He left this on a voicemail to my parents!!! I can't believe it! I need help and advice on how to handle this situation!
Keep in mind I never asked them to pay for anything, the conversation started by me asking if they would like to pay for the food at the wedding instead of the RD, then they decided they still wanted to have a dinner the night before, so I thought that was all they were going to pay for, which was fine, until they offered to give us a montery gift, then all this happened. HELP!!!