Post # 1
Okay Bees I am in shock right now. Here is the background story. My future in-laws have had an underlying problem with the fact that my parents arn’t paying for our entire wedding. The drama started when we found out we were not having a rehearsal the night before, and asked his parents if they would like to pay for the food at the wedding instead. Yada yada yada they decided they still wanted to pay for a dinner the night before for our OFT guests regardless of us having a rehearsal or not. SO they turned around and offered to give us a monetary gift that we could us as we wished, which was very nice and we thought everything was done. Then the next time we saw my FIL he had a caterer that he picked out (without asking me if it was the type of food I wanted) but no biggie I kindley asked if FIL would be open to a different type of food and that I would love to plan this with them.
THEN, I found out today that my FIL called my parents (who he met once for 30mins a week ago) and left a voicemail stating "there is something that has been bothering me, I am not aware if you know it or not but your daughter has asked us to pay for a large amount of the wedding dinner and I’m not aware if you know this but the bride’s family typically pays for the wedding, and I don’t know what the situation is but I am just shocked that your daughter has asked us for money and is not having these conversations with you and just wanted to make you aware of it." He left this on a voicemail to my parents!!! I can’t believe it! I need help and advice on how to handle this situation!
Keep in mind I never asked them to pay for anything, the conversation started by me asking if they would like to pay for the food at the wedding instead of the RD, then they decided they still wanted to have a dinner the night before, so I thought that was all they were going to pay for, which was fine, until they offered to give us a montery gift, then all this happened. HELP!!!
Post # 3
That’s terrible! So sorry you’re dealing with it. My biggest advice is to talk to your FIL *immediately* and get this cleared up. And make sure your FH is doing most of the talking. When it comes to parents, it’s always much better to let each kid deal with their own parents. Hope everything is okay! Keep us updated!
Post # 4
While it’s traditional for the brides’ family to pay for most of the wedding expenses, usually it is the grooms’ who pays for the rehersal dinner. That’s just customary. They want to obviously stick to tradition and do the rehersal dinner since they said they’d be paying for the food for OOT guests. I’d go ahead and have a rehersal dinner.
In recent years lines are blurred. I was married before and had a huge wedding and paid for most of it myself. My grandparents bought the flowers though and I and my FI (now xh) paid for the food at the hotel reception and the drinks, cake, and everything else. My parents maybe gave me $500. But his parents did do the rehersal dinner. I was up front and honest with everybody.
And when I remarry, I’ll probably carry some of the bill and my soon to be FI will carry the other half.
Might I ask, what is the economic breakdown of what your parents are paying for vs. his parents?
Post # 5
Wow! That’s pretty bad. I think the advice to have your FI call his parents and straighten it out. Maybe say that each family is giving according to their means? And that you don’t want them to feel obligated to contribute if they don’t want to?
Post # 6
Oh no! I agree with rosychicklet. It is time for FI to intervene!
Post # 7
Usually it is best for the person whose parents are being talked to, to do the talking. (Wow that was a mouthful.) But for what it’s worth, in this case, I think you both should straighten this out with his parents. Definitely don’t do it without your FH. But it’s you in the thick of it. If you talk to them together you’ll have a united front. If your Fh just talks to them, it will look like you’re just hiding behind him. I don’t know why. I just feel that way in this case.
For example, maybe your Fh could ask his parents to just come to you two with concerns. He felt embarrassed that his dad left that message to his future in laws. Then you could say how your really sorry for the misunderstanding, and never intended to ask them to pay for your entire wedding reception. That way your FH can take the heat off you, and you can be proactive in repairing the problem with an apology.
Post # 8
Just for clarification- did you ask for FILs to pay for food at the wedding instead of RH? Because there’s a big price difference between the two.
Also, was the monetary gift specified for the wedding, or was just a flat out gift of money for you and FI?
This sounds like some major wires crossing. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I agree with the other girls, you (and FI!!) need to get this cleared up as quickly as possible!
Post # 9
No matter what the traditions are, that was WAY out of line for him to do that. I would have your FI talk to him asap.
Post # 10
WOW! I cannot believe that he did that! What did your parents do/say? What did your fiance say? I see nothing but inappropriateness in what he did…agreed, get the fiance to talk to him. Ick.
Post # 11
Miscommunication at it again!
Definitely have your FI speak with his dad very candidly about what contributions the two of you expect from him. If he was offering a monetary gift, have your FI tell him that you both appreciate it and he doesn’t need to worry about the planning of it, you’ll both just add it to your budget, and figure it out. Since it’s money, you don’t have to specify that it’s going toward any one thing (like food) until after you’ve done all your planning. That’ll prevent him from trying to call around and book vendors.
What did your parents say about it? How wierd is that voicemail??
Post # 12
Eek! Sounds like it may be a little uncomfortable at the next family dinner.
In retrospect, I would have suggested you have your fiance discuss financial issues with his family. He understands better than you how traditional or progressive they. Let your fiance be clear with his father that if he has an issue to discuss it with your fiance first.
Post # 13
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure it was incredibly upsetting. If your FIL was upset he should have addressed it with you and your FI and corrected the miscommunication. He should not have left the message he did for your parents.
I agree with the prior posts — have your FI take the lead in talking with his father. I would make sure he relays how upset you are, that the TWO of you never meant to offend him (get across that you and FI are both involved in planning). Just know that there is time to smooth this over. Try not to let this spoil your excitement and enthusiasm in the planning process.
Post # 14
I agree with Liz.Smith. Your fiance needs to play a VERY active role in this. I would get in contact with you FI as soon as possible. While it will be nerve racking and uncomfortable its the only real way to solve it. There is obviously some miscommunications and assumptions going on and the easiest way to solve it is to go to the source. Good luck and can’t wait to hear how it is resolved!
Post # 15
Thanks everyone, it felt so good to vent! My FI called his dad yesterday after all this happened and basically his father got mad and said the only reason he left that message was because he had the best intentions for his son. What he claimed this meant, was that right after we got engaged his family found out that my parents were only able to contibute $2000 and my FI & his family thought they should pay for the whole wedding, FI was venting to his parents about our money fustrations, but it is what it is. So, FIL claimed that due to this discussion that took place with months ago was the reason he called my parents. FIL never apoligized to my FI for embarrsing him and although my FI explained to him that this was rude & out of line, his dad doesn’t think so.
We are supposed to be having dinner with them tomorrow, but I told my FI we should cancel that and only meet up so that I can talk to my FIL face to face. Basically the only thing I will tell him is that this was extremely rude and highly inappropriate, and the next time he has an opinion he needs to discuss it with his son or myself first. I am also going to tell him that we no longer would like to accept their monetary contribution. How does that sound? Should I include anything else?
This whole situation has kept my stomach in knots, at first my mom didn’t even want to tell me that my FIL called b/c she knew it would upset me. Luckily enough they arn’t letting it bother them, they think it was highly inappropriate but they think its funny because they now think my FIL has a screw loose, because who does that??!! Thanks everyone for your advice and we’ll see how it goes tomorrow!
To answer a previous question: my parents are contributing $2000, and FILs "gift" was $1000 (but clearly they are upset and truly don’t want to give us this $ so no biggie, Its supposed to be a gift so since its not, I don’t want it!)
Post # 16
That is insane. Please keep us updated on the situation- he sounds like a freak!