Weddingbee boards

For starters, if you're coming here to say people have worse troubles out there today and I've got it good, please go away because I've already had that said to me.  Believe me I know.  But my feelings are still hurt.

My mom has declared this Christmas that, because I turned 24 last week, our family has officially "outgrown" Christmas.  She's been saying this for awhile now but I've never really understood what she meant by it.  I love Christmas.  My birthday is in Christmastime.  I put up the tree right after Thanksgiving and I'd put it up earlier if SO would let me.  I love going to the Nutcracker and buying my friends and family presents and making gingerbread houses and cooking big meals, all the works.  I mean I really REALLY love Christmas and my family has always known it.  And we've always done the big homecooked meal and the presents, even though I knew they were never really into decorations or Christmas activities.  Unfortunately, "outgrown" Christmas apparently means "cancelled" Christmas this year.

We're still having a family get together with the extended family in a few days.  My mom put up decorations this year (something that hasn't happened in years unless I do it and this time she only did because she's hosting the party this year and wants them to admire the house).  That is the extent of our Christmas.  Yesterday we were supposed to go out to dinner at the local cafeteria (I wanted a home cooked meal but she didn't want to cook and wouldn't let me cook because I'd mess up her kitchen) but she couldn't even muster up the energy to go there.  My dad brought home Chinese and we didn't even eat at the table.  We watched Jeopardy together, then he went into the computer room the rest of the night to look at boats and my mom went to sleep early.  We also had a couple lovely fights about how much my law school tuition costs (that they insisted on paying and that I'm starting to wish I'd taken out loans for) and how I'm a leech on them.  That was my Christmas eve.

Christmas morning there was no stocking or presents like there have been every other year (and I was used to mountains of presents even up until last year).  I knew there would be much fewer this year but I was shocked that there was absolutely nothing.  Mom got out her checkbook and wrote me a check and said "merry christmas."  It was a generous amount (my parents are fairly wealthly) but I was heartbroken.  I would rather she spent a fraction of that money on picking out something I'd like that she put thought into.  I spent a long time picking out gifts that she and my dad and my sister would like and made sure to ask what they wanted and try to find them some cute surprises too. 

For Christmas dinner she said she would thaw out a meatloaf she'd frozen awhile back.  I had just gotten a text from my SO showing me pictures of the french onion soup his family was cooking and hearing all about their prime rib and the presents he got that morning and desperately wishing I was there when my dad piped up "why are we making more food when we have so many leftovers, just throw something together we already have."  Then my mom said in her stage whisper "Because SHE (pointed glare at me) is already upset with me for not doing a big turkey so I guess I have to do something."  I started crying at that point and shut myself in my room for a few hours while mya dad yelled at me for "expecting so much" and went into a speech about how ungrateful I am. Maybe I am but I don't care.  It's Christmas and I'm eating a frozen meatloaf because my parents don't give a sh*t and I'm missing dinner with my SO for this.  I was pissed.

I guess my mom started feeling bad around that time because she knocked on the door and told me I had presents under the tree.  I went out hoping she'd hidden some kind of surprise and guess what she got me.  A packet of instant cider and a box of instant oatmeal.  Both of which she pulled out of the kitchen randomly.  I don't even like oatmeal.  So I just said thanks and then heated up my leftover Chinese for lunch and got on the internet and that was my Christmas.  

All day yesterday and today she threw out reminders that she hoped I wasn't expecting anything because we had "outgrown" Christmas.  I expected something much more low key but no presents at all?  Frozen meatloaf and Chinese?  My SO is a year older than I am and his parents are ten years older than mine are and they still go out all, presents, big homeade meal together, lots of decorations, the worse.  I hate that my parents think of Christmas at this big pain in the ass they had to do when I was little and now are so glad I'm old enough that they don't have to try anymore.  I was already feeling a little sad about getting older and I feel like they were just rubbing my face in it this year.

 Next year I will absolutely be with my SO regardless of whether we are engaged or not.  Maybe they've "outgrown" Christmas but I guess I'm still a big immature baby who wants to make an effort, so I'll go be with his big immature baby family that still thinks it's important to celebrate Christmas.  

@Luayne:  I think what makes me sadder is that I'm missing my SO's party with his completely normal and happy Christmas loving family and their huge delicious dinner. They even bought me presents expecting I'd come, which are now sitting there unopened.  But I reasoned that I'd already been to his extended family party on the 23rd and my family was guilting me up a storm for not spending Christmas with them, so I decided to go home for Christmas.  And then they did absolutely nothing and made me feel like crap about getting older and being a leech on them the whole time.  When I reminded them of what I gave up to be with them for Christmas they were quick to say "that sounds like fun you should have gone to that" completely forgetting all the whining about how the holidays wouldn't be the same without me and boo hoo hoo.

@BelliniChic:  That's what my sister did this year.  She spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her SO's family and they apparently had an amazing time, homecooked meal, fire roaring in the fireplace, lots of Christmasy activities.  She said she only regrets she didn't have lunch and dinner with them today too and would have stayed if she'd known about the meatloaf fiasco tonight!

Aw :( yeah dissapointing. I kind of understand where your mom is coming from. I get burnt out and stressed over Christmas. It's a lot of money, time and effort. Maybe there's too much pressure on her. Maybe next year you can host something and invite her instead. 

I just want to echo what everyone here is saying.

But I always want to say I completely understand how sad this is making you.  When I was  younger, my mom was so into the holidays.  Everything was a celebration.  And I loved it and also took it for granted, now that I look back on it.  She made every holiday special and kept traditions.  When my parents divorced when I was ten and she remarried, something changed in my mom.  There was a lot of negative stuff going on at that time and I remember those next few years being very dark. I think she was severely depressed, but something changed.  She would start acting like we were going to start celebrating when December rolled around, but then she would get angry and declare Christmas ruined and cancelled.  Those were some lonely holidays.  The last few holidays haven't been very good because my mom died in April, but was terminally ill for about a year before that.  I mentioned it on another thread, but we had a pretty big falling out a few years ago and never really made up before she died.  But now that I'm getting married in April and FI and I will be having out first child in August, I'm determined to make every day special and celebrate every holiday like it may be the last.  I want to make those days special again.  FI and I weren't able to do much this year, he's not employed and I don't make much, but we had a small get together at his mom's house and then curled up with hot chocolate and watched every Charlie Brown special on Netflix.  We didn't exchange gifts, but the love is there.  When you're in a home with conflict, like I was and, it seems, you may be, it's really tough.  But there will be better times and I'm sure you're going to have wonderful holidays in the future.  But, for now, like someone said before me, celebrate on your own - make this day special for you and don't let your mother ruin it.

@DrTeeth:  Thank you so much <3.  I'm so sorry about your mom.  You're right, we've always had conflict but Christmases have never been the same since five years ago my grandma (her mom) died on New Years Eve.  The day she died my dad looked at me with this sad look in his eyes and said "your mother will never be the same again."  And she never was and neither was Christmas.  That was the time she started fighting me about the decorations and complaining she was tired all the time around the holidays but she still put in some effort for a few years.  My dad begged her to go to therapy, take vacations, do stuff for her, she never did, just kept right on complaining.  I think it caused a lot of stress between them and on the family.  I really think that's the reason she's really started to hate the holidays, it was always wonderful before my grandma died but something snapped in her after that.  I just hate she keeps taking it out on us and on Christmas and now I'm being forced to choose between spending time with them or actually enjoying Christmas with my SO's family

@Dizbee:  it's a bit strange that your mother wouldn't let you cook in her kitchen, so that's the only thing in this story that seems really strange/mean. Who doesn't let house guests use the kitchen?

But other than that part, I kind of understand your parents just wanting to spend time with family without all the "work" of cooking and cleaning up after a big meal, shopping and wrapping presents, etc. the important part is having family time, whether its after ordering a pizza, eating Chinese food, or what-have you.

Here's how my husband and I chose to spend Christmas: we were lazy all day, wart he'd some Netflix, and gave each other some awesome gift cards we both really wanted. No fancy wrapping. I also made cinnamon rolls out of the refrigerated tube for some cozy cinnamon and hot choco time.

And iTy was amazing and relaxing!

So what ended up happening was we tried to go to the movie and I was open to ANY suggestion except The Hobbit (which is incredibly long and which I've already seen twice) and they were dead set on going to it even though there were plenty of other good movies (Les Mis??) out that they haven't seen (we had originally agreed on Les Mis but then it was deemed "too depressing").  A shouting match started to which they basically said "screw you we're gonna see what we want to see" and they hopped in the car and drove off and left me alone.  That was the final straw and I packed up and drove an hour and a half back to my apartment.  I would have gone to my SO's house but they had eaten an early dinner and everyone had left.  He came over with some leftovers and let me cry and put on a Christmas movie and gave me the presents his mom had gotten me.  

Then late at night I got a bitchy text from my dad about how ungrateful I was because they support me financially so I should be overcome with joy and respect for them all the time no matter what they do.  Everything and I mean EVERYTHING always comes back to this subject.  They basically use money to control me and guilt me, it's always been that way.  I told him to stop paying for me if it was such a horrible burden (trust me, it's not for them, but they like to pretend it is so they can use it as a weapon in an argument) but he refused.  Ugh.  A year and a half more of school and then I'll be financially free of them. Then hopefully without that to use against me our relationship will improve.

Anyway.  Christmas is over now (thank god) and I'm with my SO so I guess that's the silver lining.  Thanks bees.

@msfahrenheit:  Yeah I'm starting to see that now.  Next year SO and I were talking about instead of going on our yearly vacation next year taking both our families up to a cabin in the mountains for a couple of days at Christmas time (luckily he's an only child and I only have one sister and her bf so it wouldn't be so crowded we'd murder each other).  My parents always are on their best behavior when they're around him because they like him so much (Thanksgiving was amazing because he and sister's bf were there) so we figure they won't act up AND we can do all the planning and prep work so it won't stress my mom out.  That way we could spend the holidays together and with our families, I would know exactly what to expect since I'd be in charge of hostessing and there wouldn't be any nasty disappointing surprises and there's a good chance my parents would be nice since they're around other people.

Dizbee - I'm sorry about that crappy text and about the crappy situation.  It sounds like you are right to be counting down the days until you are out from under their thumbs.

I have a couple of friends who don't have the most awesome home situations.  They usually tag along with me to my family christmas eve events.  We pig out and drink and have a merry ol time.  This year we all got home late and piled on the couch at my house - DH, friends & me and watched christmas movies until we all fell asleep.  Then in the AM we did a little brunch, opened presents we'd given to each other and watched The Christmas Story. 

Later on in the day, the friends went on to spend time with their respective families.  They've found that limiting their time with fam to a short while during Christmas day works best for them. 

Do you have any friends you can tag along with locally?  Maybe next year just go for Christmas a little while and then join your SO for the bigger chunk of festivities?

@fishbone:  +1

Let me ask you.....what did *you* do for your family for Christmas?  It sounds like you miss your parents doing stuff for you.

Why not do something around Christmas time at your apartment next year and invite your parents and your SO and his family?

Wow that is so crazy. I can completely understand why you would be upset. I mean it's one thing that they didn't want to spend money on gifts, but to have a Christmas like that. That's so terrible. 

@Dizbee:  maybe after years of putting christmas together she is burned out ? perhaps next year offer to have Christmas at your house ? 

I remember your previous comments about your parents... they sound like real, um, pieces of work.

I do agree with the other ladies that it would be healthy for you to start asserting your independence--not just during arguments, but making plans for yourself and following through on the plans. I cannot think of a reason why you could NOT take on your own law school loans, instead of your parents paying for you. Call the university's financial aid office and make arrangements to do the paperwork yourself--I'd assume law school uses the FAFSA like other types of college/grad school. If it's not, there's something comparable. It'll be a big chunk of debt, but if they've already paid for half of law school then you're better off than most law students... and it will be worth it for the freedom and independence.

@fishbone:  "your suggestions for the next holiday all center on enjoying a nice meal and festive day planned by someone else"

Not true at all. Did you miss where the OP said, "we can do all the planning and prep work so it won't stress my mom out.  That way we could spend the holidays together and with our families, I would know exactly what to expect since I'd be in charge of hostessing."

I don't disagree that it would help the OP's situation if she took more initiative, but I think you're missing some of the parts of her story where she says that she planned and bought nice gifts for her family, tried to cook the holiday dinner herself but was turned down by her mom, etc. She's not just showing up and lying on the couch and expecting to be showered with gifts.