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Well, I'd tell them that the venue can only hold a certain number of people and that they cannot invite more than that. They are offering to pay for their guests, so I think that it is not a HUGE issue.
That being said, I would totally be annoyed too. My parents are paying for my wedding and me and my mother got into it BIG time over guest list. FI and I want a small wedding. I told her 80 people... she told me 125. In the end, it worked out because we both have small families and FFIL had absolutely no one he wanted to invite. There are 86 people on the list and at least 4, for sure, aren't going to come.
You need to compromise with them. Work it out. Don't just say HELL NO right away, because you will, more than likely, just cause a huge pile of drama.
One thing you could do is suggest the future in-laws host a party for you to meet all their friends after returning from the honeymoon rather than inviting them all to the wedding. That way they aren't limited by venue constraints and can entertain in the style befitting their circle -- AND more importantly, you don't have a wedding flooded with random people.
Yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Isn't it strange that they're willing to, essentially, host a dinner for 75 of their friends (i.e. pay for 75 plates at your reception) but they're not willing to help their son with the costs of his wedding in general? Annoying, but of course it's their prerogative and they're not obligated to do anything. Apart from that, though, I'm with you in that I had strong feelings about who was invited to our wedding. I didn't want people there that we didn't know and that only served some sort of social purpose for the parents. I would definitely come up with a Plan B and SFCarrie's is as good as any. It's really not fair to you and your FI to have a bunch of strangers at your wedding, especially when they outnumber the people you really care about!
Yow. That's a big list.
Personally, since they're paying the per-plate fee, and as long as other associated fees were manageable (or contributed to), I would probably suck it up for the sake of harmony.
I would, however, let them know pretty assertively that they needed to cut X amount of people because of your venue's capacity.
Good luck!
why do i get the feeling your FIL are from the south? weddings sometimes turn into spectacles because the need to impress the socialites in town. If they are offering to pay for them if they come, then thats something, although i get your need to want to have people there that actually would RECOGNIZE yall if they saw you (aside from the dress of course :)! )
see if theres negotiation room - contact your MIL directly and explain how you picture your day - i had a similar problem, and ended up having a nice "come to jesus" meeting and all seems to be well now, and the list is not the 150 they wanted but the 120 i wanted....
marriage is about compromise, see if theres some give on there part before blowing your lid. :)
good luck!
WOWEE. That's nuts.
spaganya is right, it is about comprimise. Unfortunately you will be in this family forever, so it's probably better to start now.
What they are doing is certainly not fair. Maybe suggest the idea of a party for their friends at THEIR house on their bill.
I would definitely explain that you have a limited number of guests and possibly just say "It's more important to me that OUR friends and family are comfortable and enjoy themselves."
That is nuts! I would say you need to speak with your fi and get him to talk to them. Tell him they need to cut their list by so many. That you are glad they are willing on paying for these people but that it does not take into consideration costs for table rentals and floral centerpieces and invitations. These other expenses add up based on the per person count and that you can not afford their list being 75 people. Give them a number you do feel comfortable with.
Something similar happened to us (though though not with that many guests!) We just kept repeating that we wanted the day to be our celebration and didn't want to be surrounded by strangers. Their friends can easily be told that it's an intimate wedding, not a huge 300 person gala, and they can hardly be offended by a lack of an invitation to such a wedding. In our case, FMIL was upset but ultimately let it go.
In this type of situation I think it is hugely important for you and FI to be on the same page. He's the one that needs to have this conversation with his parents (potentially over and over until they understand you're not budging). In the course of your future marriage, there will surely be occasions when he needs to stand up to his parents, and if he can't do it now, he better start learning. My FI didn't see the problem of having "a few more people", but by explaining how I felt and how important it was for me to have my wedding in the circle of close friends and family, how upset I would be if it was mostly strangers, etc, I was able to get him on board.
Have your FI tell them that 75 is an unacceptable list, and that you "planned for" the initial 20-30 they estimated the first time. In fact, give them a hard and fast number and say, "you can invite x amount of people to our wedding" and have them revise the list. If they don't, tough noogies, nobody gets invited. That's how it works--you have to lay down the law! They're being unreasonable. Let them throw you guys an engagement party or something at their house for their "social circle" of friends. You and your FI have to start someplace in regards to not letting them do this sort of stuff, and now's as good a time as any. It establishes a clear line, ya know?
Yes, even if the per plate is covered it could be (based on my area) an extra $600 in tables, $63 in tablecloths, $262.5 - $750 in chair rentals (+ cover prices if need be), 9 extra centerpieces, 75 extra favors if youre doing them, an extra $200 +/_ in invitations, added save the dates, she's essentially adding thousands to your budget that are still un-covered.
Def. focus on your lists first, see how many you two are at, and give her the left overs for comfortable seating. Have her son tell her that there is only room left for x amount of people. I would tell her too that the budget was for the 10-20 and anything over that there is no money for, so can she pay the cost of having each person over that number outright.
If you don't want them there regardless, I agree with PP: Tell them 130 people will fit, you have already invited 100, so they get 30. Otherwise I would tell them that the venue that you can afford can't fit that many and if they would like you the book a bigger venue to accomodate your guests they will need to pay for that.
Oh, it gets so much better! I was on the brink of making the arrangements with the caterer to meet with them on Saturday to finalize the quote, sign the contract and put the depost. FI and I had decided we were going to do a buffet style reception, because it was what we could afford.
WELL
FMIL called FI tonight to see if we had started looking at caterers (hmm, wonder if they finally got the hint that we were asking for the guest list for a reason), and he told them we had, and explained the buffet style.
THEN
FMIL said that she does not want a buffet reception, its not practical, she wants a sit down reception (which would also add a good chunk of coin to the cost of the reception), but of course, they'll pay for the increased cost of the sit down reception. NOT EVEN CONSIDERING that I have spent the last 6 weeks, organizing a reception and catering that flows with the overall vibe of the wedding (ie ... low key). If we do a sit down reception, it would be weird to buy h'or d'ouevres from Costco (Sam's Club) in the form of veggie and cheese trays ... it would be weird to have coffee service with disposable coffee cups ... all of which, would have been okay with our original motif for the reception, so if we go with that ... I have to start planning from square one, and them covering the increased costs is not suffice ... I'm prepared to tell them if they want to call the shots, they can pay for at least 3/4s of the receptions ... not us pay 3/4s of the reception to have them call the shots.
Bah ... I'm so frigging annoyed ... at least FI is on my side and thinks his parents are being unfair ... and unreasonable.
Girl, you just gotta tell them no! "Thank you for your input, but we'll be doing it our way...." that is unless they fork up 20K, right? =\
No, you are most definitely not overreacting!!! For them to invite more people than you or your FI simply because their social status dictates it is just ridiculous. Even IF they were paying for the wedding, I think I would feel uncomfortable not knowing a third of my guests! It's a celebration of your love and the people who should be there are those that know and care about you two personally and want to be there to support you--not people who are there only because of their social standing or whatever. Good luck working it out!
Alright, bees, so here are my thoughts ... let me know yours.
If FMIL is insisting on a sit down dinner, which FI and I decided not to go with, because we couldn't afford to do it properly (with appetizers, enough staff, tea/coffee service done properly etc), then I will agree to it, under the following conditions (keep in mind that FIs parents are very well off):
We still go with the caterer that FI and I have researched, like and have been in communication with through the whole process, and were supposed to meet with this Saturday to finalize our buffet catering and put down a deposit.
That the sit down dinner, be done as I consider a proper dinner, with catered appetizers (not anything extragavent, just not as FI and I had originally planned with going to Costco/Sam's Club and getting app trays), a wait person for every two tables (plus how ever many kitchen staff the caterer says would be required for that large of a group), as well as the incurred cost of the rentals for tea and coffee.
That FI and I will contribute the original amount we were expecting to pay for the buffet dinner, and that FIs parents give us a cheque for the balance of what the new sit down dinner will cost, at the time FI and go to sign the contract.
That this "contribution" (which it is not, they are covering the for the increased cost that FI and I would not have, if we were going with what we had already decided on), does NOT entitle them to have control over anything else, and most definitely does not entitle them to invite their entire guest list ... they will still only have 30 slots available to them (which I think is more than fair).
At the time that FI and I discuss this with them, we'll give a brief break down of our thoughts with respect to other aspects that they may take issue with (ie cash bar [if we can afford to do a host bar, we certaintly well, but a host bar is not going to come at the expense of a honeymoon]), they will have at that moment to decide whether or not that is something they aren't a fan of, and again ... they can pay if they aren't okay with what FI and I are okay with.
And if they don't like those conditions, then they will learn to be okay with the way FI and I are doing things, when it is our money that is being used. If they want to write us a cheque for the entire wedding, then they can go nuts and plan away ... but so long as FI and I are responsible for 100% of our wedding costs, I am not giving into their ridicilious and unfair demands.
I just can't believe that they have waited until I am about to sign a catering contract to bring this up ... its not like they weren't aware this was the route that FI and I will be taking, and time and time again they said "we aren't going to pay, so you guys do what you are comfortable with" ... bah.
Your last post touched on my question - the bar. I would guess that if FFIL doesn't like the idea of a buffet dinner, they really won't like the concept of a cash bar, which would then tack on another cost (because, honestly, 30 extra people can rack up a huge bar bill without even trying).
Oh families . . .
I would be annoyed but its really not too bad. I would make sure they understand that the venue itself can only hold 130 max and x amount of that is you and the FI guest list.
Also, just because they invite an additional 75 doesn't mean that 75 will actually come. It sounds like many are just friends of the family and that number will actually be reduced.
When looking at the extra per person cost, I would make sure to include all things not just food. Remember the extra cost of those tables (probably about 10 extra tables?) so they should also expect to pay for the extra centerpieces, linens, chair covers, cake, favors, etc. I would try to come up with an all encompasing price per person so it helps you guys out with costs and they are truely covering the costs for their guests
I would definitely make sure to add ALL the cost not just their dinner plates!!!
I'd be very annoyed with them because the number is not what we expected it to be. Thankfully, you have a great and valid excuse, that you can't accommodate all the people on her list due to the maximum capacity of 130, and you do want the guests to be comfortable. Since you and your FI are inviting 100 people, tell her she has to cut down her list and she can fill up the rest of the available seats (i.e. 40, since 10 was overlapped). Do not over invite and run the risk of too many guests showing up.
I do wish some in-laws would be be more considerate when giving their guest list.
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Alright bees, I need your advice. The future in laws have finally seen fit to grace my FI and I with their proposed guest list.
Some back story, FIs parents are well off (my family is not), and are not offering to help us pay for our wedding (which is fine ... would have been nice, but oh well) ... but made sure right off the bat to tell us that there are people they need to invite (because their social status dictates they have to). They said they would pay for the per plate cost of the guests they want to invite (damn straight they are). And originally said around 20-30 people (and of course, most of those would be duplicates of FIs, so we were realistically expecting 10).
So after, 4 weeks of waiting for them to give us the guest list ... they finally do ... and its 75 people!!!! Only 10 of which are duplicates of FIs. FI and I are only inviting 50 people each ... and we are paying for everything else to do with the wedding.
Now, yes, the FILs are paying for the per plate cost of their guests, above and beyond who FI would be inviting (these people wouldn't be invited on FIs accord, they are are all the high and mighty friends of his parents)... but I certaintly don't think that means they should be able to invite more people than the bride or groom. Whose wedding is this??
FI doesn't know how to stand up to his parents ... but I do not believe this is okay. I mean, our venue can only hold 130 people comfortably, before tables would need to be rearranged to accomodate other aspects of the reception (like dancing, garter and bouqet toss etc.) ... and I personally don't want a tonne of people, I want to share our day with the people that are important to FI and myself, not FIs parents ... who are not hosting the reception, friends.
What would you do? Am I overreacting?