Therapy for just ME?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee

raina2016 :  Absolutely! Even when couples pursue marital counseling together it is often recommended that one or both pursue individual counseling as well. 

Threatening to leave you if you discuss your life with close friends or family members is not healthy. Consider confiding in someone in your life that you trust. 

Post # 3
Member
44812 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

raina2016 :  It is always appropriate for a person to see a therapist for themselves. You need to put yourself first and take care of you.

Good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Definitely go to therapy! I think therapy is always helpful. 

Also, I just want to say in regards to this: “I’ve been told not to discuss our personal life with my friends or family or he would leave me” is complete bullshit. He’s cutting you off from all avenues of love and support. Not acceptable. 

Is there a reason you’re still with him?

Post # 5
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

 Bee, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I would definitely seek therapy for yourself.. it’s great you want to take that step to take care of yourself. In terms of your husband not allowing you to confide in anyone.. I am going through a similar situation and I can assure you that I don’t think it’s healthy or normal. It’s OKAY to ask for support and love- you absolutely deserve it. 

Post # 6
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You should absolutely seek out individual therapy. However, I would also seek out avenues to get away from your husband. Stay with family or close friends until you can get a grasp on everything. There are some major red flags here point to a toxic relationship dynamic as others have pointed out. My concern is your safety emotionally and physically. Do not allow him to isolate you.

Post # 7
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I am a licensed therapist and I would recommend you start individual counseling immediately.  If you find it helps, perhaps see if he is willing to go with you to a marriage counselor.  There are many warning signs that you are in an abusive relationship.  Counseling should help you gain some clarity and insight on the situation and help you move forward in a healthy way. 

Post # 8
Member
7512 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The longest relationship one has is without themselves. So self care is essential, therapy falls under that. 

Post # 9
Member
5609 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If he is controlling and manipulative (which I feel your post seems to imply) then individual counseling would probably be the better/safer choice over marriage counseling. It will give a you a safe space to be able to voice your feelings and concerns without fear of your husband’s reactions. It sounds like it could be very beneficial for you.

I’ve done counseling sporadically during my relationship with my husband for my own issues. It was about me figuring out stuff for me, not about our relationship so couples counseling wouldn’t have made sense. Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that individual counseling won’t be beneficial for you. We all need self-care and sometimes therapy for just ourselves is a part of that.

Post # 11
Member
3500 posts
Sugar bee

I have been in and out of therapy since I was a child.  The BEST therapy I have experienced is what I’m currently enrolled in.  I work with a therapist who is based out of Brooklyn NY however in addition to her practice she works for a company called Talk Space (http://www.talkspace.com).  You do not need insurance to subscribe to Talk Space and the prices are reasonable.  If you sign up they will do a consult online to determine what kind of therapist is best suited to you.  It involves unlimited texting and if you wish you can pay for video sessions as well.

I’ve found this type of therapy to be very useful because rather than wait for a session to discuss things you can log into your laptop or on your phone and text real time.  This by far has been the best therapy I’ve ever received.  I talk with my therapist nearly daily.  It has been life changing.

Post # 12
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

raina2016 :  “He’s constantly suspicious of me, though I’m doing NOTHING to warrant it”

I just want to point out that a lot of the time in circumstances like this, the other party is suspcious because THEY are the ones doing something wrong/cheating. They assume everyone has to be sneaky and lying just like they are. So they’re projecting their own bad behavior onto you. 

Also, you describe the highs as being wonderful but, sooner than later, it’s back to lows. This is the cycle of abuse. Plain and simple. 

“Sigh. Just not sure what to do. I don’t see myself living like this forever, but it’s really MY mistake for marrying him. How can I blame him for ME being an idiot?”

What you do is get a divorce. So you made a mistake and married the wrong person. You want to punish yourself for that by staying in this bad marriage? Or do you want to finally be happy? 

Image result for cycle of abuse

Post # 13
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Are you married to my ex-husband? Joking aside, you sound a lot like I did while in that very bad relationship. Wouldn’t let me talk to friends about our problems, made me feel emotionally unsettled and like I had no voice in our relationship, overreacted to the times I did try to speak up for myself so I wound up feeling like he was the victim so none of our issues ever got resolved, etc. I 100% recommend therapy. You deserve to have a safe space where you can go and talk about your mental turmoil. It’s not normal to be this unhappy in a relationship. When they say that marriage takes work or it has its ups and downs, they don’t mean this. I stuck with a bad marriage for far too long because of that mentality. In addition to therapy, I found it helped to get out of the house more. Do you have friends you can hang out with for coffee or dinner on a regular basis? Does anyone in your friend group want to try out a new activity like kickboxing or jazzercise? Gaining emotional independence could be very helpful for you.

“I don’t see myself living like this forever, but it’s really MY mistake for marrying him. How can I blame him for ME being an idiot?”

You sound so much like I did and it breaks my heart. Look, people make mistakes all the time. Big ones and little ones. That’s part of life. You’re not an idiot and you’re certanly not the first person to choose the wrong partner. What you do after you make that mistake is the important part. If marrying him was truly a mistake then you’re allowed to leave the marriage. Hopefully therapy can help you with that decision. Don’t stay and continue to make the mistake day after day of staying in a bad relationship because you made one bad mistake in the past by marrying him. My ex changed so much after we got married but it took me years to realize that even if he hadn’t I’d still have the right to leave the marriage. You don’t need an easily explainable reason like infidelity or physical abuse to divorce. I’ve never had to explain myself to anyone and anyone who would judge you isn’t a good friend. 

Please do be careful with your posting. My ex was vindictive when he saw that I’d aired our problems anonymously on message boards. Make sure you log out and clear your history every time you leave your computer. Even if you’re only going away for a pee break. If you’re using your phone, do the same and also password protect it. If you think he might have installed key logging software on your computer, only use your phone. I know it’s tedious but it would have saved me a lot of extra misery if he hadn’t seen those things and used them against me. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong in posting here and nothing you’ve said is inappropriate to share but I know what it’s like when dealing with someone who doesn’t see it that way.

Post # 14
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

Being controlled and manipulated and feeling like you can’t even share your feelings or experiences with someone you trust is NOT OKAY. That was the main take-away I got from your posts – that he monitors who you speak to and what you say. It is INCREDIBLY unreasonable to deny someone even just one bosom-buddy. I know that my boyfriend’s 4 trusted ‘advisors’ are his parents and 2 friends – one who tends to agree with me (even when he doesn’t know it) and is very diplomatic and wise while the other often disagrees and is more aggressive with a different perspective, so together they make a good team in being opposite sides of the coin. I don’t talk about our relationship much with people, except MAYBE bits with my best friend or my closest married friend. Also the odd time when I reach out here because my closest friends don’t have much experience with serious relationships.

I got upset when my boyfriend discussed my view on abortion (regarding myself) to his Catholic parents as he did it before I got the chance to know and ask him not to. THAT is okay I think because it’s a particular topic and I only felt uncomfortable with him telling those specific people. (btw it all turned out fine) But to disallow you from speaking to ANYONE about ANYTHING is controlling and manipulative.

I say ABSOLUTELY seek out help, for your sanity and to help you better evaluate just how unhealthy your relationship might’ve become. You feel controlled, on edge, walking on egg shells, and you fear his bad side. That ain’t good. He is not looking out for YOUR mental and emotional health at all! In fact, he is encouraging your anxiety and for you to keep it all bottled up.

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