Thank you all. I already feel isolated. I know I’m getting some form of abuse, just can’t quite put my finger on it, therefore I can’t make it ‘real’ in my mind. Talking to him doesn’t help. He has completely changed since we’ve gotten married. He’s constantly suspicious of me, though I’m doing NOTHING to warrant it, he’s lazy, he’s unmotivated, he’s moody. (We’ve both treated each other badly in the past, which is where his insecurity and distrust stems from, BUT, it went two ways and I never check up on him, snoop through his stuff or accuse him of being somewhere or with someone he wasn’t…)
I feel gaslighted in some areas. He will do/say something, then later claim he never did/said it. I will work out a conversation with him in my head, and it makes 100% sense, but then when I try to HAVE the conversation with him, somehow I come away feeling stupid and at fault when I know better.
At the same time, I don’t wish to make him sounds like a totally bad guy. When he’s on his ‘up side’ he’s amazing! He’s affectionate, and romantic and fun-loving, and we have a great time. When those days come, I wonder what I was ever worried about. But those days are few and far between. Then the other days, I’m left wondering if I’M the whole problem. Maybe I’m the reason he’s being mean or cranky or short tempered.
Another MAIN thing that has nothing to do with him being good/bad to me, is that he can’t seem to contribute equally. I can’t blame him for not making as much money as I do, but the money he DOES make he is not smart with. Bad credit, no savings, no retirement. I have worked hard for all those things. I could live with that if he helped more around the house. We ‘split’ chores but then he never does his. If I don’t make dinner, he either won’t eat dinner at all, or will make JUST himself something (I would KILL to come home to a cooked dinner even ONCE!).
I’m having trouble coping with the fact that anything nice in life that I want, or want to do (travel for example) I will have to pay for, for both of us. That’s neither right or wrong, but just something I need help learning to cope with. I’d love to discuss my feelings with him, and I know he WANTS me to, but I also know his ego is very fragile and he would completely over react like he does with most things.
All this leads to me being CONSTANTLY on edge and paranoid. I’m even paranoid he’ll find this post and unleash his verbal wrath on me. I don’t know why I care so much. I do everything to make him happy, and I worry about him leaving, but in reality, if he did, I’d be better off, I’d just be sad to lose my best friend and only person I really talk to.
Sigh. Just not sure what to do. I don’t see myself living like this forever, but it’s really MY mistake for marrying him. How can I blame him for ME being an idiot?