Post # 1
Even though our date is a year away, my FMIL was talking with me the other day at SO’s family dinner about guests so that we could think about an engagement party. She wanted to know who my SO and I want to invite, and I said ‘mostly just close family and close friends, hopefully around 60ish people’. She looked SHOCKED.
I haven’t met all of SO’s family (I’ve met some aunties, uncles and cousins and his nanna, but not any other extended family) and he wants to invite almost all of them. He said that in itself would be 50 people not including babies.
Because I’m not earning a lot right now I said I would be okay with a bigger wedding, but I would not be paying for more than 60 people as that what I had budgetted. FMIL said that is totally fine and her and FFIL want to contribute. So in all, that is okay. I don’t want lots of people and I understand I may have to compromise on this one, but what’s upsetting me most now is that they want to invite all cousins and children, even babies (and there are at least 5 babies under the age of 2 in SO’s family).
I don’t necessarily know what to do about this. SO loves family and children but his family is huge and I don’t want it to be just a family reunion! I also love kids but don’t want any children under the age of 12 because we are having our reception at a large restaurant late at night. I have 23 family guests I want to invite, and he has 40-50+, and this isn’t including our dearest friends. I’m sorry for the huge rant, I would love some advice if anyone has any.
Also sorry for sounding bratty. I don’t mean to, I’m trying to compromise but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by this sudden change. Originally SO said he wanted a smaller sized wedding, but I think FMIL has excited him about inviting family guests he hasn’t seen in a while and old family friends.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
It sounds like you’re making all of the compromises here and FI isn’t making any. Seeing as how you have to plan the whole thing, I think you should give yourself a bit of a break here. You should get a say in what you want too.
Post # 4
@Daffadowndilly: Thank you for commenting. I am going to try to talk about this again, and maybe when we get a list written with guests try to compromise with not inviting people we haven’t seen or spoken to in years (e.g. are family but do not make much of an effort to keep in touch). I am going to try to make a big effort to explain why the no little kids thing is more practical for us, especially since there will be alcohol and the reception will be a dinner
Post # 5
I would start writing it all out and get hard numbers. I suggest the following groups that will make it easier to nix –
1. Immediate family
2. Extended family (adults)
3. Extended family (children)
4. Couple’s friends
5. Family friends.
After you decide how many people fall into each of these groups, you can decide how many to invite.
I would talk to your in laws though, if they’re contributing what are their expectations? Are they thinking they will have control over the guest list?
Post # 6
@AlwaysSunny: Thanks so much for your advice, that is really helpful.
My SO’s parents are quite relaxed in all honesty, I think his mum just has a lot of family that she would really like there that may be a bit more close to her than to my SO. I will have to talk to her more about it, but from how she said it I think she just meant she would be happy to pay for extra guests that were from her family.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I think it’s hard when people from HUGE families– like me– and people with smaller ones try to negotiate this type of thing b/c you’re both coming from really different mind spaces. I’m glad no one is being unreasonable and I hope you don’t get put into a position you don’t feel comfortable with! My FI’s side of the invite list has 25 people on it; mine… 125 and counting. Much of mine is family and NONE of them are distant family I’m not close to. Maybe his family is like that?
Post # 8
I don’t think your in laws are being too unreasonable – they are willing to pay to share your burden and I get a feeling the family is very close. My FI has a huge family including many babies but all of them are very close and as knowing how close the relationship is, it’s unimaginable not to invite. I originally wanted to have a small wedding, but we realized that we should either elope or invite at least 50+ adult family members and more.
I think it’s easier for me because I already have spent at least couple days with 30+ of his family members (they live all across the country) and if I count people I couldn’t remember their names because I met only for a short time and there were bunch of them, I already met 50+ family members even before getting engaged. When a family is huge and close, it’s just really hard to cut.
I think you should discuss with your FI. Also, don’t get frustrated too much over the worst imagination. I know there will be children and I have no worries because I already spent time with them and know for sure they behave well. Also because I know their parents are type of people who will be responsible guardians. Not every child cries and runs in public.
Post # 9
my suggestion would be to cut children under the age of twelve but other then that you have no choice but to invite his family members over the age of twelve because they are his family and they will become your family too.