- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I will try and keep this short as I am in desperate need of help.
I have struggled with anxiety/panic attacks/depression for pretty much my entire life. It runs in my family. My paternal grandmother (who I never met) actually had what they called a “nervous breakdown” back in the 60’s and was never able to function normally after that. My dad has some issues too but has only recently gotten them under control.
No matter what I do I can’t seem to get my symptoms under control. I’ve been to 5 or 6 different therapists over the past 10-15 years. I’ve seen psychiatrists. I’ve been on 4 or 5 different meds. I’ve tried hypnotherapy, self-help books, meditation …. EVERYTHING!
And while most of these things give me temporary relief, nothing has lasted long term.
I feel like a crazy person. I’m really scaring myself. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, but more like what one of my therapists called a “passive death wish” as in “If I’m in a car accident, oh well.”
My family and fiance and friends have run out of advice for me. I was sobbing with my fiance last night and he was literally at a loss for words because he doesn’t know what else to suggest.
I am petrified that I’m going to end up like my grandmother and ruin my life and other people’s lives because I’m crazy.
I am terrified that I’m not fixable.
And right now, I don’t have a lot of options because I don’t have insurance due to a new job.
I am so stressed. I just started a new job and everyday I struggle to NOT break down into tears over the smallest things. I am planning a wedding and it’s not fun anymore. I’m to worried over little, stupid details. My fiance and I are supposed to start looking for houses in a month or so and I am excited but also afraid because I’ve never lived on my own.
I feel like such a baby. I’m a 27 year old baby incapable of living an adult life.
I am so tired of feeling like this but I don’t know where to turn and I am SCARED of what’s going to happen to me.
I don’t want to end up in a psych hospital. I don’t want to be anymore of a freak than I already am.
I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I’ve exhausted all of the options and they haven’t worked.
What if I am not fixable?