There's a reason MILs are the butt of every comedian's jokes …

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Well it doesn’t sound like it will effect the budget for the part you’re paying for. The reception is where it gets expensive. But if they’re paying for it, why not let them invite whoever they want to show them how proud they are that their son has chosen this amazing woman for his wife.

Post # 4
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

msfreemis:  I thought her family was paying for the reception – I wouldn’t want my parents footing the bill for all those extra guests of my MILs.

Post # 5
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe his family can host their own celebration, after the wedding?

My daughter’s FMIL is a real sweetheart, but we said no to a list of 100 of her church friends (on top of her list of family and close friends), that she wanted invited. She insisted they wouldn’t come anyway (the wedding is 3.5 hours away), so we told her she could send out her own announcements, after the wedding. By the way, the venue only holds 110 …

Post # 6
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

rachel85:  Your parents need to decide what their budget is for the reception and then you plan around that. If you choose an inexpensive venue and caterer, you can invite more people. If you choose a more expensive venue and caterer, your guestlist will ,be necessity, be smaller.

There are other ways to save money to have more guests- have a brunch wedding  reception, have an afternoon tea reception, have the wedding on a Friday or Sunday. etc .

For the time being you (or your FI) can respond that as you have not chosen a venue yet, you have no idea how any seats will be allocated to each side of the family and for your friends. You can tell her that as soon as you know you will pass that information on. In the meantime, she might want to prioritize that list.

Post # 7
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Your only a month out.  Give her a break, people get excited and go overboard.  Just need to get her on the same page as you.  Hell DH gave me a list of 200 names when we got engaged, of people that had to come… in the end he wound up inviting 60. 

Post # 8
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

rachel85:  I would tell her that you’re planning to have a 150 guest count, and ask her to pick her 50 must-have. from her list. It’s absurd that she sent you over 100 names from just her side of the family alone. Perhaps the discussion would be best coming from your FI?

Post # 9
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rachel85:   Do not assume people will decline!  Decide what sort of wedding you and your FI want, discuss budget with you rparents for the reception, pick a total number of people (for the reception), divide it in half, and that is FMIL’s number to invite.

You don’t need to explain or apologize, and the difference in family size doesn’t matter – half is fair.

Given how she has behaved this early on I’d consider using a venue with a strict limit which is about what size guest list (total) you want.    She may not WANT to leave out any of the 137 people but she will need to pare down that list regardless.  From what you’ve said above, I am guessing no amount of flattery from her will make you want a  274 + guest list.

Hang in there.  

Post # 11
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You do realize that you’ll be a mother in law someday, right?

With that said, give your FMIL and your parents a guest limit and have them do the whittling.  Tell them you can only invite X amount and you’re splitting it 3 ways … your side, his side, and mutual friends of you & FI. 

 

Post # 12
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Sorry, I misread your OP. Thats what I get for trying to think at 6am on a Sunday! Lol

Post # 14
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to sit down and talk with fiance.  You two always need to be on the same page.  You cannot assume anyone invited will not come.  You two need to say, each family gets X number of invites, and that includes spouses, fiances (and plus ones if you are doing that).   AFTER you and fiance decide if you will give plus ones or kids, you need to communicate that to both moms.  And if they try to twist your arm — or fiance’s — response should be we cannot bend rule for one person, then others will be upset if they show up without their kids, etc.   For now, fiance MUST talk to his mom and say we do not know how big wedding will be yet, BUT it will not be that big, so please do not assume anyone will be invited.

Post # 15
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oy.  That’s a lot of peple.

Are your in-laws contributing? Are these people your FI agrees need to be invited? What kind of wedding do you want to have and what kind of wedding are you willing to have?

You have to sort your priorities.  A good way is to set your budget and then your guest list and see what kind of wedding you can have  – a sit down dinner for 100 or a cake and punch reception for 400. 

If your in-laws are contributing they get a say but not not total control.  If they are not contributing then you get to tell them how many invitations they get to have.

rachel85:  

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