Post # 1
I just have to get this out.
I have a 13-month old daughter and she was a complete surprise. FI and I had only been together for 4 months when we found out she was on the way but fortunately, we’ve been so happy and I couldn’t ask for more.
My mom told me that I was not allowed to have a shower with the family because we weren’t married and “we don’t do that” as it would be condoning our actions. I was extremely upset but I accepted it because what else can you do.
A couple family members offered to throw us a shower anyway but couldn’t get the planning done in time. We live 3000 miles away and even though they had tons of warning that we’d be in town, it just never happened. We still got some gifts during our visit and everyone loves our little girl and there’s no issues.
My cousin and his wife had a little girl in January and had a family shower and everyone talked about how nice it was and how many presents they got and it stung me.
And my brother and his wife had their shower yesterday with the family and talked about how generous everyone in the family is and how great it was to see everyone and blah.
It’s not either of their faults, but every time I hear about it I get upset again! I can’t help but feel slighted and bitter and then I feel guilty for that and it’s this vicious cycle. I don’t know how to get over it!
FI says that I shouldn’t get over it, that I should remember how they treated us. That if they offer us a shower for our next baby that we should refuse out of principle. That doesn’t seem too healthy to me.
I just feel stung every time I think about it. We needed the help more. We have ZERO family here and have to support ourselves and how could they do that to us?! And I’m just supposed to pretend like nothing happened?
Dont’ get me wrong, our baby has everything she needs and we’re fine. But I just feel like I need to figure out how to let this go and move on with my life. Any thoughts?
Post # 3
I’m sorry. It doesn’t seem very compassionate. Perhaps if this is the way your family deals with “surprise” babies, they feel it’s a way to save you from the family gossip.
I don’t have any other words. I’m sorry. Good luck.
Post # 4
It sounds like you have accepted your mom’s position on a shower, and while it sucks, she was certainly not obligated to throw you a shower.
With regard to the shower that your family said they would throw for you, there is an old saying that I think applies here:
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
I don’t think you should hold a grudge or reject any future offers for a shower. You said it yourself: the planning just didn’t work out. They meant well, probably shouldn’t have offered to host when the distance was too great, and got overwhelmed. You said yourself that they did give you some gifts when you visited, so it seems like they tried to make up for it.
Post # 5
It’s more than it just didn’t work out. They never really even took the first steps. They said they would and they didn’t. I just feel like everyone else gets a shower but me.
It’s making me look petty. It’s not about the gifts, it’s about the support. About my family getting together to celebrate this birth and it feels like it never happened. Not in the traditional way.
It just hurts to hear things like, “Oh, Cousin & Wife got a huge pack ‘n play and a high chair and so many clothes!” You know who had to buy my p ‘n p and high chair? Me.
It just stings. I thought maybe if I typed it out, I’d feel better about it. Feel free to tell me if I’m being silly though.
Post # 6
I’m sorry this happened to you, but I would figure out a way to find peace with it. It has been in your heart long enough, and it might continue to bother you in the future as other relatives have their showers. Maybe you can throw a big bday party for your LO and invite out of town relatives.
Post # 7
Wow I totally understand why you would be upset! That’s really unfair of them! I personally don’t think it really matters at all if you and your now FI were married or not~ What does that have to do with having a baby shower…FOR the baby?
Having said all that..try not to let it bother you as much..it really was not fair but there is nothing they can do to take that back!
Post # 8
My family didn’t throw a shower for me either when I was pregnant with my daughter almost 13 long years ago. However, my sorority sisters and other friends did get together and throw me a shower and it was really nice to know that I had some type of support group. I can sympathize with you feeling slighted b/c it seems as though your family doesn’t support you, but you are doing alright and you have to find a way to get past it. They have some old-fashioned ideas but they haven’t mistreated your child which shows that they weren’t trying to punish her. I am sure your family will throw you an awesome baby shower for the next baby and you should let them.
Post # 9
I disagree and don’t think that it would have been “condoning” having children out of wedlock, but I guess you can’t change what other people think. I am sorry this happened to you, if you were my family I would have thrown you a shower! However, although I get why your fiance is saying what he is, I wouldn’t refuse future shower offers, or at least not reject it right now.
Post # 10
Because I live so far away from my family, I never got a Bridal Shower, and we won’t be getting a Baby Shower either. Both of my brothers and their wives got showers and lots of gifts and generosity, and I’m still a little jealous about it. So don’t feel bad that you’re upset! In my case it’s not even anyone’s fault that we didn’t get a shower, and it still stings me a bit when my SIL talks about all the great gifts that she got at her shower…for her THIRD baby…
Not anything I can do about it, but it doesn’t mean I feel ok about it. It’s natural to feel that way, just try not to focus on it. I would tell your siblings about how hurt you are that you never got a shower. That may keep them from sharing all their “spoils” with you so you don’t have to hear about it!
Post # 11
Nobody threw a shower for me for either of my two girls. I come from a large family, and I think everyone was just waiting for someone else to step up. When it comes to social situations, my family is rather *ahem* lazy. It didn’t help that I was pretty well off at the time. It also didn’t help that I moved to the area from San Diego when I was five months along kind of out of the blue, so I didn’t have my friends here either (some of whom didn’t even know I had moved). With my second daughter, I think everyone just kind of assumed that I had stuff anyway, but I was still kind of like, really? Two of my sisters have had baby showers and that pissed me off.
So, I get where you’re coming from. For me, it wasn’t about the fact the I wanted stuff, although it would have been nice. I just didn’t feel like my family was interested in sharing the joy of my child with me. My feelings are still hurt about it sometimes, especially when I get invites to other family members showers. I asked my mom about it once, and her response was something like, “you’re so different from everyone else, I don’t think you’d think anything we would do would be good enough for you.” Well, nobody bothered to ask anyway, so…
If someone offers to throw me a shower for the baby I’m pregnant with now, even though I despise showers, I am going to jump all over that. I get your husbands point, but I would probably let it be water under the bridge.