Post # 1
A few weeks ago my high school friend S got engaged to her SO of about 12mths (at a guess). Our high school group was of about 6 girls and 5 guys, but only 4 of us girls have really managed to stay in regular contact after school (we’re all 25, turning 26), the other two girls are T and E, who have been friends since primary school. E is the only one that is single out of all of us ATM.
Of course we were all really excited for S, as she’s the first one out of all of us to get engaged and a group outing to celebrate was to be organised ASAP. Well, when I logged onto Facebook on Sunday, my heart just sank. E had put up photos of herself, S and T out at high tea and then some more with them taking “happy engagement” photos with S in the middle showing off her ring with a glass of champagne and the other two girls either side with their glass of champagne. I instantly started to cry because I felt excluded. What really made this hit me is that only about 5-6 weeks ago E was texting me after a group dinner saying how she longer felt close to T and S and that I was the only she could trust because she felt like I was the only one not judging her for being single and enjoying her life. I decided to text E to say I was glad that she decided to reconnect with T and S. She replied saying that she explained how she felt to them and decided to “take S out to celebrate her engagement to do my part”. I said that was good, but I was kind of upset I wasn’t invited. Mind you where they were was only an hour and a half away from me. I got no reply for another 5 hours, but in the meantime E had been posting more photos on Facebook using her phone. I literally spent all day racking my head trying to figure out what I had done wrong to not be invited and E’s excuse was that she didn’t mean to exclude me and that it wasn’t really an organised thing. She had told S she had a surprise for her and was talking to T about it, who invited herself along. E of course accused me of being selfish because I was upset about not being inviting and that the day was “about S, not you”.
Whenever I organise anything with anyone of those girls, I always extend an invitation to everyone in the group, even if it’s just a catch up, not something as huge as celebrating one of our engagements. After taking sometime to think, I realised this was a ongoing occurrence. The three of them always do things without inviting me, the excuse used to be because I was a shift worker. Anytime I do see them, I’m going to them, they won’t come out my way (a 45 minute drive) to see me. And the real killer; I’ve not been able to celebrate my birthday with them for years because S and T’s birthdays are a few days before mine and they always take priority. For example, last year S and T decided they were doing a joined birthday party aim the city, the night before my actual birthday. A week or two before hand they said “oh K, we’re doing XYZ for our birthdays, you can join in too, if you want”. I told them I had already organised a small group outing with my family and then THEY got annoyed at me for not inviting them, when every other year before they always said no because they’d be too hung over.
I’vd decided to no longer consider them friends and not really speak to them anymore, I always end up putting in the effort and end up getting hurt. Am I doing the right thing here?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
I don’t know, is it possible you might be overreacting just a little? Not everyone thinks to be as inclusive as you obviously like to be. Not everyone will reach out to all of their friends all of the time. It’s possible that they just a bit of a heart to heart and organised a spur of the moment thing, I don’t think that necessarily means that it was a slight against you.
Post # 4
Well, yes, I would say you are doing the right thing.
I’ve been in pretty much this exact situation, and I got sick of being the only one to put the effort in, and of how they would make me feel excluded. I am still in the process of trying to “cut them out” of my life.
The birthday thing in your situation is just ridiculous and clearly they are excluding you in this. Don’t bother with them. I’m sure you’ve got other friends, and if not, you’ll make other friends in life. Don’t waste time on these faux ones.
ETA: Just wanted to add, my “friends” were pretty horrible people. I would come back from seeing them and cry from how negative they were and how they made me feel. So that’s why I’m pretty quick to say ditch people who make you feel crap.
Post # 5
@Daffadowndilly: it wasn’t a spur of the moment kind of thing. They organised it earlier in the week, not on the morning of. Where they went to celebrate, they would have went past where I live. I know that if it had been one of these girls being left out instead of me, all hell would break loose. I think I’m just over one sided friendships.
@starsr: thank you for understanding! Amd I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing, it sucks and really hurts. The birthday thing really gets to me. I didn’t have a 21st because S was having hers one weekend then the next was T’s so I got told “we’ll you can have a huge 25th!! We’ll help you!” And that never happened…
Post # 7
i think you’re overreacting. sometimes things are like that: they come up, they’re not super organized. how do you know she’s lying?
Post # 8
While I think you might be overreacting a little bit with the catch up I do understand where you’re coming from and I’ve been in a similar situation. I just stopped being the one to make the effort/get in contact and when it became clear that she couldn’t be bothered I let the friendship go. I understand people get busy and there are oversights but if you’re not going to at least try and put in equal effort the relationship becomes a chore not a friendship.
That whole 21st thing is BS though – not cool on their part!
Post # 9
@krayzay87: friendship is a 2 way street. I think u did tr right thing. I had a friend like that who I constantly reached out to all the time with nothin back etc (long story) but I no longer bothered with trying and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think true friends make effort and include their girls in anything. A text isn’t hard it takes 5 secs. Good on u for realising it and moving on
Post # 10
@bebero: I know she (E) is lying because when she didn’t reply to me for hours on end I finally msgs T to aks her what I did to be excluded. It was only after then that E replied saying it wasn’t really an organised thing, just something they threw together, however T contradicted that in replying to me saying they had organised it earlier in the week. I also know how these girls operate and know that T would have called E saying that I’d msgs her and asking her what to reply, just a shame they didn’t get their story straight.
@Bree22: see, if it were just a normal catch up, I’d be ok. But it wasn’t. It was an outing to celebrate S’s engagement. Hell If E had taken S out, just the two of them to celebrate the engegagement I’d be ok. But considering we’e all meant to be “best buds” and E had been confiding in me saying how she can’t trust T or S anymore is what really hurts. The 21st thing and any birthday since then, I’ve just given up. I always knew their birthdays were going to be priority, but I never thought they’d get mad at me for organising things with my family.
@nearlymarriedlass: I completely agree, friendships is a two way street and I haven’t see it this way from these girls for so long.
Post # 11
@krayzay87: yep, I’m fully on your side. If my friends went out even for a coffee to talk about/celebrate a friends engagement and didn’t bother to text me even at the day they decided to go I’d be really upset. Mayve were both exaggerators but I don’t think girlfriends should treat someone like that, is deliberately cruel. I’m sorry hun 🙁 but I think you should start distancing from them and hang with true friends xx
Post # 12
@krayzay87: I’d normally say you’re overreacting but it’s definitely clear that this isn’t an isolated incident and it’s been building over time.
This kind of reminds me of a group of girls I used to know when I was younger. They were a group of four ‘best friends’, three of the girls were super close and the other one was sort of half in-half out of their little clique. It was like sometimes she was part of things and others she just…wasn’t. She never knew where she stood and the other three loved that. The sad bit is that the other girls used to delight in being mean to her and leaving her out of things. They’d plan stuff and keep it secret from her, then talk about how fun it was. Leaving their friend out of stuff was an actual bonding activity for them and it they treated it as one huge inside joke. I used to get so mad hearing about all the stuff they’d do to her.
It sounds like you’re sort of half-in half-out of this friendship. I’m not saying that your friends are excluding you for sport but it doesn’t sound like they make any effort to consider your feelings. I wouldn’t bother with them, it sounds like your relationship never really matured past high school.
ETA: I wouldn’t leave this bad friendship without first giving them a taste of their own medicine. After how they’ve treated you it’s more than what they deserve. I’m sure that the hive would be happy to help you brainstorm revenge ideas. Well, I would anyway.
Post # 13
Oh I hate this, I really do. Sosorry that these girls are treating you so rudely, especially after such a long friendship but this is highschool rubbish. I try and leave these people behind, but I always miss them. It’s a lose lose situation, but better for you to ditch them and find people who put you first like you deserve.
Post # 15
@krayzay87: You are totally doing the right thing!! even if the engagment get together was just a last minute thing and they didnt want to make it a big deal or whatever what makes me mad is the birthday scenario. Your friends (long term friends may i add) dont let you celebrate your birthday because theirs is just before yours? they have joint parties especially their 21st!! and you have to settle for a big 25th party? what the hell? sounds like horrible friends to me! ditch them, before you know it you will become so bitter that youll spend all your time hating them and not enough time loving yourself. You can find much better friends xx
Post # 16
@Daffadowndilly: ,@starsr: ,@harperlynn: ,@bebero: ,@Bree22: ,@nearlymarriedlass: ,@Ruby-Redshoes: ,@Dogsbody92: ,@Jacqui90: ,@bouncybee:
Thank you all for your replies. For those saying they think I did overeact, I’d just like to add this: I just logged onto facebook to check the photos they posted again, to see whether maybe I had over reacted and noticed that they had since commented on the photos.
E: “Had just a great time. Thanks S and T for participating in my special surprise celebration for your engagement.”
S: “Thanks for organising such a beautiful day and for including T.”
All of this was AFTER I had msged saying I was upset about being excluded, and AFTER E tried to justify it by saying it wasn’t really a celebration for S’s engagement and that I was being selfish etc. I’ve defriended them, deleted their numbers – I’m truly done.