Post # 1
Yes, my FI and I are 19 and in college.
Before we got engaged we asked for EVERYONE’S blessing, and it was granted. Now they say that they do not approve. Both families are furious and angry, even though we have agreed to wait until we have graduated college to get married.
My family is saying he’s a bum, has no ambition, probably won’t take good care of me, or might end up abusing me. This all has to do with past mistakes made by my mother, aunts, and uncles. They all were married young and got in TERRIBLE relationships and were abused.
His side of the family says that he has chosen me over them.
My mother has decided she will no longer help me pay for my college or for the wedding.. what do I do? We all went into this with an understanding that we would wait, but now I don’t respect their wishes at all because they are being so hurtful. I know they want what is best for me, but when do I get to be an adult and make my own choices?!
Post # 3
i’m so sorry this is happening to you!! maybe it will blow over? or maybe they are just worried and sad about “losing” their daughter. maybe it would help to talk to them about it. ask them what changed!
Post # 4
Sounds like maybe they’re just having some initial problems with accepting that you’re growing up. I would say give it some time, and try to talk to your parents and his parents about the situation when things are calmer, letting them know that you’re not rushing into it. Good Luck!
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that this is happening. I agree that you should just see if it will blow over. Don’t talk about being engaged or the wedding with or around anyone in your family or who may allow it to “leak” back to your family.
Just focus on school and proving to them that you are mature and responsible and talk about everything you are involved in with school. I know this is hard, but it will show them that you aren’t rushing in to things and you are thinking them through and being smart about the whole getting married thing.
I can tell you that I got married at 19 and didn’t really know him and so it didn’t work out. I know that if my daughter came home at 19 and said she was getting married I would be VERY worried. I like to think that I would have an open mind and that I would give advise where needed and zip it where it wasn’t.
Remember that parents only want what is best for their children but can’t always voice it in a way that is loving and supportive. And as for when you will get to be an adult? To your parents and family, you never really will be – it’s sad but true. You are their little girl and they only want to see you have what they feel they didn’t have.
So prove them wrong! Get your good grades, join various activities, belong to different groups and when you are done, with diploma in hand for the both of you, you can say to them that you did what you said you were going to do and that you are now going to get married.
Good luck and remember that this too shall pass and things will calm down at some point.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!
I’m so sorry that this is happening. That’s such a terrible thing to do. 🙁 🙁
Hopefully you can have a serious sit-down with them and lay all the cards out on the table.
Post # 7
this sounds like a horrible situation
so… i say concentrate on your schooling right now and in future, do NOT and i repeat, do NOT ask “everyone” for their blessings, their permission, their thoughts or their opinions – you cannot keep everyone happy so do not try.
are you the type of person that shares whats happening with you and your FI with others? ie, do you talk to your mum about silly arguments you have with him or worries? if yes, then STOP NOW. their love and priority is you so if they are hearing anything negative about your FI, even the silly stuff like “he sat on his butt play PS2 all day” they will use this against him later on.
goodluck and i say just let everyone cool down…. sending hugs
Post # 8
I’m so sorry! I am continually amazed at the lack of tact that becomes all too apparent when planning a wedding. It’s amazing that every single relation, family friend, or acquaintance thinks they have a right to comment on every detail.
In the end? You are an adult. Right now.
It sounds like you’re making responsible decisions by pursuing college and waiting to tie the knot. Your family, and his, should be proud of you for acting so levelheaded when they do not extend the same small courtesy… of sanity.
Just be secure in the knowledge that you will never please everyone. Stop asking their permission.
If you are proud of the decisions you’re making, there’s nothing more to think about.
Post # 9
I agree, no wedding talk and act basically like it didn’t happen. They need to get used to the idea, and if you really show them that you’ll wait til you graduate in a few years, I’m sure they will warm up. I don’t understand the need to get engaged right now if you’re waiting so long, but that’s all you.
Post # 10
🙁 🙁 🙁
Did something happen to make them take it back?
Sounds like you guys have a few years to figure things out. Maybe you can just keep quiet about the engagement around your family, and focus on letting them get to know him better and see why you love him. When the time comes closer, you can plan more openly, and hopefully receive a warmer welcome.
Post # 11
Aw I’m sorry. Of course you want your families to love the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.
I’m sure they are just in shock about everything. Their little girl is growing up fast…You’ve just started college and now are planning on getting married. That’s a lot for parents to take in all at once. Give them some time to adjust and they will come around. Just remember your not going to be able to make everyone happy but you can listen to what they have to say and take it into as little or as much consideration as you would like. Showing them that you are listening to their side of things is also going to allow them to see you are growing up.
Post # 12
To answer the question you asked: they aren’t telling you that you can’t make your own choice. They’re just saying you won’t have their money if you do. So if you want to be an adult, be an adult and make your decision. I personally would hold off and keep the money for college, but it’s still your choice.
Post # 13
I’m thinking that if you are not planning on getting married until after college… I would put it on the back burner for now. FInish school, then revisit it the subject after you graduate. Things change a lot and hopefully they change in your favor!
Post # 14
This is so frustrating but you will find a way through it. The best way to get treated like an adult is to act like one. I am not trying to imply that you are not acting like an adult; rather I’m just reiterating that responding to their criticisms in an understanding but firm manner, where it’s clear that you are going to be the authority on you, will probably incur the best long-term results. If you let them get the best of you, they will see that they still have power over you and then they’ll try to use it to get their way.
I think waiting to get married until you’re done with college is a great idea. And with so much time yet to go it will be easy to put wedding-talk on the back burner. I have made some decisions that were unpopular with my family, and it really helped to show them through my behavior that I was still a repsonsible adult. Eventually it all blew over. I hope it does for you too!