They say it takes two to tango….

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It sounds like you’re his maid and mom. Definitely need to go to counseling, individual and couples. Otherwise, get out of the house at least once a day for 2-3 hours. Join a local group or church and do your best to make friends. If things don’t get better in the next year, consider moving back home. It sounds like you have very different expectations for marriage.

Post # 4
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@letsdoit:  Could you get a job? It’s a good way to be out of the house, you could help bringing money in so he doesn’t have to work such long hours and you can meet people. Also, once you’re not in the house all day you will probably lose weight (which btw is an assenine comment on his behalf fyi). Also since you’re both working you will both be tired and will both have to pitch in. Go to couple counseling, stick it out for another year and if after all these changes things don’t get better or they get worse, leave.You deserve better than being treated like a maid sweety 

Post # 6
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@letsdoit:  See it isn’t hopeless!!! Hw about in the meantime joining some classes? Any hobby you wanted to pursue but never had the time?? And yeah, learning the way to the house is a big step haha

Post # 7
Member
10992 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with @beachbride1216: Counseling is a must, even if it’s just for you to have someone to talk to and process all of the major changes that have occurred in your life.

I experienced some similar changes when I went from being a never-married woman in my 40s with my own house, a great church family, amazing friendships, a wonderful career, and a lifetime of independence to the wife of a busy pastor and stepmother to multiple kids who had to leave behind a life that was very comfortable and familiar to relocate to a small town in a rural area of another state, where I have not yet been able to find a job in my field and where I have had to begin a new life.

Like your DH, my husband also works some long hours and, between the demands of  his job — which usually requires him to work portions of seven days a week, and those of being a dad, there have been many times when he has had little time and energy left for me. It was extremely difficult and upsetting for me.

Counseling really has helped us each to see the other person’s point of view and to communicate more clearly.  It’s also helped us to connect with each other better and to resolve conflicts.

Right now, it sounds as if your husband is not being very fair to you at all, and, yet, it’s possible that he may not truly understand the impact that his actions — or lack thereof — are having on you.  He may need a trained and objective third party to help lead him to form the correct conclusions and guide him in how to connect better with you.

ETA:  I also have to add that the questionable pictures of other women on your DH’s phone and his defense of this by making insensitive comments about your weight are completely inappropriate.  It sounds as if he also is very unhappy and is expressing it in negative and potentially destructive ways.  A counselor also can help to hold him accountable for these wrong behaviors.

Post # 9
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He sounds like a real jackass sorry. There’s no reason he can say hi and give you a kiss in morning and at night. It takes two minutes. 

Post # 10
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@letsdoit:  I think should move on and cut your losses.  Anyone who keeps other women’s photos on his phone because  he thinks (and tells you) that you’re “fat” isn’t worth your time.  He sounds like a self-centered egomaniac.  You deserve better than this.

Post # 11
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP  I Just want to say on the intimacy side of things;

My FI gets up at 330 to be to work by 6 because he has to drive 1.5-2 hours. Where he is a roofer. He usually works a 10 hour day, and gets off at 430 and then has to drive a good 2-2.5 hours home because of traffic. So he gets home between 630-7pm.  I dont get home until 715pm-ish but i work a normal day i just start at 1030. So he usually has to start dinner because he gets home first and we typically go to bed at 8-830. He needs to be to bed that early, I’m pregnant so i wake up so damn much and I’m exhausted and totally ready for bed by then anyways. We still have sex at least once a week. Or we’ll shower together just to have some fun conversation. He will always tell me about his day. I usually wake up when he leaves and get a kiss goodbye or he leaves me a sweet message on the whiteboard on our fridge.

 

Your husband doesnt seem to have quite as long of a day, and if he’s not doing physical labor it really can’t be as physically exhausting. So there’s really no excuse for him to be so un-intimate if that is a word HA. i’m very sorry you’re going through this. That seems to be so absolutely RUDE. I’m not sure how many lbs 7 kgs are, But I’ve always been a plus size girl, now more then ever. I was about 30 lbs heavier in February, He proposed to me in March, I have been losing weight because of liver problems that started beginning of March. The fact that he called you FAT is ridiculous. And yes you shouldn’t have looked through his phone, but his excuse is BS. He can be mad you did that but he should address the problem. My FI and I had a rough start the first three months of our relationship and I was having trust issues cause I knew his ex was chatting him up desperate for attention. And I found things I didn’t like though he never cheated on me, the words he said hurt me tremendously. This happend 2-3 times. By the last time he was pretty upset and said I really needed to start trusting him and stop going through his phone, but the times before that he said you know my phone is mine, its not yours to snoop through, but he gave me the reason for what he did and admitted he was wrong and apologized and we moved on. After the last time we split up for about a month and he literally had an overnight epiphany from realizing that what he wanted was right in front him, and our relationship has been absolutely AMAZING ever since. I have no trust problems, it was like the first part of our relationship he wasn’t sure what he wanted, and it took some space to realize he had everything he wanted and was losing it.

Your husband seems truly ungreatfull for the things that you do. And I hope you can seek help and he can see that because you seem to be a very giving woman and seem to have a lot to offer, and he has no appreciation for that what’s so ever. I’m sorry if what I’m saying sounds rude but your situation seems so similiar to mine other then me not traveling halfway across the world, the trust issues and the long days sounds just like us. I really hope you guys can work things out! best of luck to you!

Post # 13
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee

@letsdoit:  I hav to b blunt OP sry but either u hav to accept him for wat he is or walk away. U said its a two way street so if he is nt willing than wat cn u do? Nothing. U cnt force him and even if u were to consider counseling he has to b willing to go!

Post # 15
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee

@letsdoit:  nt saying to walk away OP just saying there r only two options and since u dnt want to walk (which I understand) u r going to hav to accept him for his choice nt to participate in the assimilation. It sux but he was being straight up honest and with that aspect u hav to respect his decision just continue to talk to him about ur expectations (without nagging)

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