Things you don't say to a friend struggling with TTC/infertility

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I haven’t experienced this, but a good friend of mine has – and it came from another friends wife.

She was just really annoyed that our friends wife complained the entire pregnancy about how sick and awful she felt, and wanted EVERYONE to feel sorry for her… and had no problems saying to this to my friend who had been trying to conceive for years, and had 2 miscarriages recently. She almost wanted to be like, “At least you ARE pregnant!” and slap her in the face! *lol*

Post # 3
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My MIL keeps pointing out all the other babies that are popping out of distant cousins and commenting on how many babies there are in the family now.  I want to tell her to STFU.

 

Post # 5
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

MissCountryGirl727:  Ugh, people asking if you’re pregnant sucks!! Someone once smelled my drink because she didn’t believe I was drinking (not that I have to explain myself!!).

Ill add to it from the perspective of someone who has suffered MCs. Don’t tell someone that:

– that baby wasn’t meant to be or

– you wouldn’t want a sick baby.

Post # 6
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My father told me I didn’t have “parental intuition” because that only comes “when you have kids of your own”.  Ummm… I’ve been babysitting for 20+ years and a full time nanny for 4+. Don’t tell me I don’t have intuition when it comes to kids. That’s not something that automatically shows up after you squirt out a little human.

When I later confronted my father, he admitted what he said came out harsh and he was only trying to give me something to look forward to.

Post # 7
Member
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Anyone have advice for what I can say for my friend who had a MC when her due date comes around? I want to be supportive. Doesn’t help that a different friend is due around the same time.

Post # 8
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Not many people know about my current situation so I can’t really blame them for being insensitive… Nosy? Yes. I recently suffered a miscarriage and, because I have now been married for over a year, I’m starting to have people (coworkers, friends, relatives) ask when I’m having kids. I’m still emotionally raw sometimes so it’s hard not to flip out. And to echo what phoebephoebo said, the few who do know about my miscarriage have made the comment that I “wouldn’t want” a sick baby. What kind of potential mother would I be if that were true?!

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Kay1126.
Post # 9
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

phoebephoebo:  OMG. I can’t imagine having to hear “it wasn’t meant to be” after a miscarriage. I am very sorry you had to go through that.  I will admit, I wasn’t sure what to say or do when my best friend had a miscarriage. I showed up at her house with two bottles of wine. The first one she split with her husband while I took her oldest for the day, and the other we shared the following night.

Post # 10
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Gosh, these are awful. We haven’t started TTC yet – that’s coming in February (so we don’t know if we’ll have fertility problems yet or not), but I have a close friend who is currently going through the struggle. People in general asking her “When are you going to have kids?” is painful enough.<br /><br />

Post # 11
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

TheMrsTulip:  You sound like an amazing friend!! All I wanted was for people to be there for me 🙂

Kay1126:  So true!!

koi424:  I was really touched by anyone who acknowledged it. And it actually wasn’t family, even though they knew! I don’t think they realised how tough it was. I got a few texts and phone calls as well as a bunch of flowers from a friend. I dont know your friend and how private she is but just knowing you are thinking of her is enough! You’re so good 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2745 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

MissCountryGirl727:  I have been trying for over a year and I’ve had 4 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage, and so far these are some of the most annoying comments/advice I’ve been given by friends I confided in:

-You just have to relax and it will happen

– Have you read the secret? You have to wish for it, have only positive thoughts and it will happen

– I heard that sometimes you get pregnant after adopting

– Maybe stress is causing you to miscarry

– The baby was not meant to be

– You can’t keep feeling sad

Post # 13
Member
4383 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

“Are you pregnant?” I will tell you when I am!!!! Actually this goes for anyone, infertility issues or not. 

Post # 14
Member
5526 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

While we haven’t been through all infertility treatments some have, we have been trying the….traditional way… for 18 months. While we have neither the funds nor the hurry  to try further intervention right now, all everyone asks is when we will have kids. And it sucks. We are still young and our friends are either not yet married or have been married and popped out babies already.  But nooooo, everyone feels the need to ask after the state of my uterus.

 So tip: even if you think it is a joke, don’t ask your friends when they’re going to have kids. They will laugh and joke back because no one wants to hear about how much trouble they are having but it will still suck for them.

Post # 15
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Turtle83:  I forgot the ‘just relax’!!! Ugh, that’s probably the most annoying! I actually don’t get that anymore! I’d knock someone out if they told me stress was causing me to mc!

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