Think I may need to break off my engagement

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Please don’t deny yourself the chance to be happy and treated with respect because it would be hard to start over. He has likely done this to you (made you dependent on him) intentionally and wants it to be a struggle for you to leave. If the only reason he didn’t cheat on you was because no “good” options were presented, he’s the one who should be humiliated, not you.

Do you have freinds or family in the area that would help you transition to a new life?

Post # 3
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

Two questions…. Why would he have you quit your job? And why would he equate that to porn? You do not communicate with porn, nor do you send pictures and exchange personal information with porn. I would definitely postpone any wedding plans you may have started on and get enrolled in couples counseling.  If you want to make this work and he is willing I would give it a try. Though my trust would be broken and I would be PISSED. Also I would start looking into becoming independent again in case it doesn’t work out. 

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Mandygirl100:  Humiliating for YOU?  HE should be humiliated!  You can’t think about what other people will say in a situation like this, as hard as that is (I know from experience).

You’re in shock.  Is there somewhere you can go stay for a few days and asssess the situation?  No communication with him?  I am a firm believer that someone who exibits this kind of behavior will do it again.  There’s nothing funny about him seeking out company of other women on the internet, so the joke thing doesn’t fly with me.  

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

RUN, don’t walk!!! That is so disrepectful and disgusting of him! And the timing of it all just makes it even worse! It’s going to be very hard, but you should leave him. Start over and struggle alone rather than being engaged to/marrying a pig like that. It’s best you found that out now before you two got married. 

Would you rather be humiliated and struggling for a short period of time, or miserable the rest of your life with a guy like that?

Post # 6
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Small town and word gets around, so tell everyone what he did and you won’t be the humiliated one!!!!

Post # 7
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Please look at it this way before you pack your bags, and yes, I am saying leave him. You accepted a proposal before you knew he was a disrespectful, immature, disgusting pig. Deal is off. He doesn’t deserve you. You loved someone else, not this guy. Does that make sense? I’m sorry, OP. How awful. 🙁 Also, who cares about the town knowing? Tell everyone you talk to what he did. You will be applauded and respected for leaving his sorry ass.

Post # 9
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If he truly loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you..there is NO WAY he would have ever POSTED an ad, let alone answer one, if it was a joke. He’s a freaking cheating lying a**hole. I’m sorry, even someone curious as a joke would more likely answer one first rather than actually post one. I would suspect this is not his first time. If he’s even thinking of cheating when in a relationship, let him go. Let him go now. Get away as fast as you can. You deserve more respect than that. Go stay with friends or relatives. Get out now. What an A**.

Post # 10
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

sharksgrl99:  Agreed that he would answer an ad before posting one if it was just for shits and giggles. Good point!

Post # 11
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Mandygirl100:  I agree with everything PPs have already stated. There’s just no excuse for his behavior and quite frankly, it’s weird. If you really had no idea that he has been posting these ads, I would be asking myself what else he is hiding from you. The bottom line is that he can’t be trusted and when there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Post # 12
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Firstly- this SUCKS and I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening. But I have to echo pp advice to not let the inconvenience of breaking up influence your decision whatsoever. You can find another job, another place to live, another person to lean on, but you don’t want to regret your marriage and end up a divorce statistic. 

But I believe that if you want to make this work you can. One of the best decisions me and my FI made was to have an “open” relationship. Not necessarily in the sexual sense, but in the sense that we were coming to this relationship as our whole selves, even if that whole self might not be perfect or is difficult to deal with. A part of your whole self is your sexual attraction to people that are not your partner. It’s human, it’s healthy. What’s not healthy is pretending otherwise or bottling up urges to the point that you’re sneaking around and lying. It may hurt to hear that your fiance is having trouble staying faithful to you, but it’s way easier to hear about an attraction in the early stages and take care of it rather than hear about an infidelity. If you are committed to making it work, that means you work through all the gritty not fun stuff too. See if he’s willing to face himself (and you) with this sort of honesty. Make a plan for what will happen if one of you is tempted or if a mistake happens. Entrust a counselor who knows more about this stuff than you do. It’s WORK, but the honesty and freedom in that kind of relationship is exhilarating.

For this to have happened, obviously you guys have gotten into the habit of keeping secrets and not acknowledging certain parts of yourself. It sucks to have gotten to this point, and perhaps its already a deal breaker for you that what happened happened. Best of luck. I know this can’t be easy.

Post # 13
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

Mandygirl100:  Most of these PP’s are saying to run and my first instinct is to say the same thing. But after you clarified why you are no longer working, and by the sound of things from the beginning of your post, things were perfect and he treats you well…. What he did was WRONG and nobody is disagreeing on that, but what did our grandparents do? They lived in a time where if something was broken they FIXED it. They didn’t throw in the towel. I understand that things are done differently, I.E. Living together after marriage, but I assume you guys are living together, he is providing for you and your son, and he has asked for your hand in marriage and you accepted. The only thing missing is that paper making it “legal”. All we can do is give our two cents and the decision must really come from you. 

Post # 14
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Mandygirl100:  I don’t think he has a choice about couples therapy! If you want to stay and work things out with him, that would be a requirement to me.

Also, you should not feel humiliated, he should. He is the one who chose to look for sex online. You had no control over that. You can only control how you react to it.

chickspartan:  GREAT advice!

Post # 15
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

And I just have to wholeheartedly disagree with the assumptions that he could never love you or respect you because he posted an ad on craigslist. While what he did was unloving and disrespectful, I don’t think its fair to say your entire relationship is a farce because of this act. 

And this man that wants to see other women naked is still the man you fell in love with, you just didn’t want to acknowledge that part of him. He’s a human being, and you love him, flaws and all. Unacceptable behavior, I agree, ESPECIALLY with the timing (perhaps the finality of marriage was sort of a catalyst?). But people can be loved through a lot worse things than craigslist ads. It makes me sad to hear people say that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone and they’re committed to working hard to make their relationship work…but as soon as a guy thinks about another woman that all goes out the window? Doesn’t make sense.

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