Think I may need to call off wedding 3 months out ?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You’ve got some big decisions to make, and I don’t envy your position as  you wrestle with this big of a decision right before your wedding.

Before you throw in the towel on the relationship, here’s something to consider:

Your last paragraph makes me think you might be suffering some depression, or just one of those “ebb and flow” times of life that is a little unhappy. I know this happens to me every so often. When I find myself feeling sad or unsatisfied with life, I often find myself internally pointing the finger at my partner, because it’s easy to distract or comfort myself by thinking, “If he just did XYZ, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” or “If he’d do XYZ, I’d be happy.”

Particularly, sometimes during these darker emotional times, I feel like I’m missing emotional connection from him, or that our relationship is missing excitement (as you seemed to be feeling). But both of these feelings seem to go away when I’m feeling happier within myself.

I think the difference is that when I’m feeling happier within myself, I am usually opening up more with him (and actually creating more emotional connection), and also I tend to reach out to more of my own friends or make new friends (getting emotional connection from those relationships, too).  Also, when I’m in a better emotional state, I tend to do more activities and create more excitement in my own life (either pursuing hobbies myself, or inviting my husband to join me on adventures like going to local parks, going on dates, or planning travel, etc).

So both of your unmet needs (emotional connection / empathy from him, and excitment in the relationship) could be more of a relection of your own internal state, rather than him. You might want to explore whether this rings true, before you consider calling off the wedding.

 

On the other hand, if he’s really lacking empathy for you, then that’s a big red flag. Does he notice when you’re feeling down, or stressed, and try to comfort you? Does he make an effort to try to understand your side of things when you disagree, or when you’re trying to make up after a fight? Would he really never consider compromising by moving somewhere else, if it was the right thing to do for you and/or your future family?

If everything really is “his way or the highway”, then I could never stay in that kind of relationship, and you’re absolutely best served by getting out now!

Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Bar Harbor Inn

LittleByLittle :  you’ve done such a good job of explaining the ebbs and flows of marriage. I agree when I’m not happy with other parts of my life, I put the blame on my partner. 

Post # 4
Member
9353 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I thought I remembered your story and yep. You posted feeling doubtful and having these issues with the town 4 months ago. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t say: something is amiss. 

It might be your living situation (why isn’t he flexible), your job, or your relationship. But it’s been this way since you bought this house together. 

You owe it to yourself to figure out what it is. 

As far as determining the cause, it could be any of those pieces. But why is your FI so unwilling to address your needs and wants and compromise.

you can always get help returning gifts. Don’t let something like that stop you from taking a breath to see where you are. You’re not stuck. 

Post # 6
Member
9353 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

doubtful84 :  have you tried a woman’s shelter or sliding scale type counseling offices? They often will offer counseling sessions for free or a small amount based on what you can afford. They offer general support, it’s not/doesn’t have to be intensive therapy. 

It’s hard for us to know what the issue is, as you raise such valid points re making friends, being far from family but not close to them – you’re right, this absolutely could be unrelated to your relationship.

however, here are some hopefully gentle questions for you to think about:

would you suggest to a friend that they make a lifetime commitment feeling this way?

What kind of support and effort do you think is reasonable for your FI to show you re the compromise you made to move to this area? 

What part of your life that you feel is missing something do you have control over right now that you could change ? 

Post # 7
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I also married an introvert, and it seems like our SOs have a lot in common. We don’t share the same interests; meetups are suggested but too awkward for both of us so neither of us go; the activities I enjoy, he may not; I love visiting the big city for food, but we both hate driving there so we never go; he wants a lot of quiet time to watch his game streams, play video games, or watch tv, but I like going out on dates; he doesn’t care to ask people about themselves, because he doesn’t think it’s important (to be honest, neither do I–no small talk unless I need to). 

Anyway, what has worked for us was finding things we could do together. He wanted to learn Japanese, so I began picking that up with him. I’d rather perfect my Chinese and have a study buddy for that, but I went along with it anyway. Even though I am not as into learning the language as he is, studying together has been really fun. 

He knows I like to eat out a lot, so we also eat out 1-2 times a week (not financially advisable). He loves movies, so sometimes we’d go to the theater together. 

Marriage is about compromise. Sure, you could find someone who is your best friend and likes all the things you do, but nothing is going to be perfect all the time. We wouldn’t be human if it was.

Post # 8
Member
4932 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

doubtful84 :  I find myself wondering if you’ve talked to him about any of this.  “hey hon, have you ever noticed that you don’t ask me anything about my day?  It makes me feel like you don’t care.  I’d appreciate if you’d show a bit more interest in the things I tell you.”  I can honestly say that I never ask anyone questions either and at work, usually facepalm after someone asks about, say, my spring break, because I tell them and then close up the conversation.  Later I realize that I’m a dumbass that should have asked about theirs in return.  So I’m making more of an effort toward that.  But what if I never noticed?  Would my husband point it out to me or just call it quits?  I’d like to think the former!

Regarding the home, you’re there now.  I think you two need to sit and discuss again. You gave up the city for him, so he needs to make an effort to take you there at least once a month for date night or something – eat out, go to a show, see a museum, walk through the park.  Plan ahead so there are active and quiet moments in the day, city or not.  That’s something he should be perfectly able to compromise on.  It might be a good idea to start exploring that college town as well and look for hidden gems there.

To allow him some alone time and you some quality time, why don’t you two start cooking meals together?  From the moment the cooking begins, straight through eating and cleaning up, you two can talk over your day, debate about various things (that’s my favorite, we get quite heated sometimes), talk about plans for the weekend and just enjoy time together.  Then leave him alone for the rest of the night so he can get his me-time.  While that’s happening, learn to be comfortable with yourself as well.  I find myself concerned when someone can’t handle being alone for awhile – had a boyfriend like that, ugh.

Just a few options – please note how they generally involve compromise on both sides.  Don’t get me wrong though, if you remain unhappy you certainly shouldn’t get married, no matter how far along in the process you’ve gone.  But give compromise a try – that’s what all couples should be doing for success.

Post # 9
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

I posted this somewhere else on this board before and I think it might hit home for you. 

A woman posted this on tumblr, and everyone was totally heartbroken over it:

“A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.”

 But then she responded to everyone’s comments about how sad it was: 

“I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.”

 

The point is, there will always be ups and downs in any marriage/relationship. It’s you who has to choose whether you will open up the lines of communication and fight to make it work, or walk away. 

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