Post # 1
So this year has been incredibly up and down relationship wise. We went from being close to being engaged, to having a huge fight, to things going better again, but now I’m not sure what’s going on.
My SO has become quite distant and won’t tell me what’s going on. I don’t want to keep pestering him and asking what’s wrong, as that just annoys him.
Is there anything I can do to find out what is going on and how he is feeling? Or anyone got any advice as to how to keep my nerves at bay until I can find out what’s going on?
I feel awful, and am dreading him saying he wants to break up with me.
Post # 3
@kellym83: Did you have a fight and then he became distant? Or were yall functional and then he became distant?
Guys are sometimes hard to read so dont freak out. It might be a break up or it might be a proposal, it might be something at work, it might be his bank account. I never know what is up with DH until I ask him. If he says hes ok, I leave it at that and cuddle him. That way if it is something bad its not like you didnt try to talk.
Post # 4
Nope – we had a fight, but had sorted it all out and we were working on the things that caused the fight. In fact until last night the last couple of weeks had been great!
It’s just stressing me out so much. Thanks for your advice though – trying to stay positive.
Post # 5
@kellym83: So it has only been one night of him being distant?
Post # 6
@kellym83: When guys are like that, it’s best to leave them alone, meaning, don’t nag them, don’t keep asking “what’s wrong”. Just be nice, talk nice and go about your day with him. He’ll open up and talk to you when he’s ready. If things have been great the past few weeks, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Us women get moody and PMS monthly, and men go through phases every month and get moody themselves. Give it some time and just back off a bit and not bother him.
Post # 7
@jesssamesssa: Well, one night of him being completely distant. but it’s been on and off. Last night was just a surprise as things had been back to being good lately.
Post # 8
It really is impossible to know how a guy is feeling. Might be a sterotype but guys are not as in touch with their feelings or expressing them.
What I can tell you is if your guy seems distant, latching on tighter to him will only make him crave space even more. So if he wants some space or doesn’t want to talk, give him that. But still let him know you are around when/if he needs to talk.
Post # 9
@kellym83: The only thing you can do is sit down and have a conversation with him- rather than ask him over and and over, or “pester” him, just ask him. Have a deliberate conversation about it.
There could be a million things- work, family- I know if I am feeling blue about something, I often become distant. I don’t mean to in the least- it’s just what I end up doing. I’m not affectionate. I don’t want to talk. I am just too preccupied with whatever is going on that that’s what happens. It doesn’t mean I don’t like my FI, or anything has changed in our relationship- just means that’s how I deal.
Sadly- and I hate to be the person to bring this up, if he’s like this on and off, it could mean he wants out, or perhaps he’s interested in someone else. I’m not trying to be the debbie-downer, I’ve just seen it happen before 🙁 That’s how my friend’s husband was acting and it turns out he was having ana affair. BUT- that being said- it is not always the case.
My FI was acting distant last night after Trick or Treating (with my five year old)- and it turns out he was stressed because while we are writing our ceremony together, he’s in charge of pulling an “outline” together- mainly because I have so much else on my plate wedding related. And he was just freaking out about it.
Post # 10
@kellym83: I wouldnt worry with one night. If it stays like this for a week then Id ask him what is wrong and tell him he doesnt seem like himself.
Post # 11
@Sunsetmrs13: Yeah totally impossible. Its like that one story that comes to mind. I cant remember where I saw it, but I am pretty sure it was social media. The female starts wondering why her husband isnt talking much at dinner and then she starts thinking he hates dinner, and hates their life together, and hates her, and wants a divorce and after all that thinking he was really just worried about an unexpected car bill or something stupid.
Post # 12
He could just be mad and wants a little space…. DH does that to me when he’s mad too… its just how he calms down. It doesn’t mean he’s going to dump me. Every good relationship gives a little space sometimes…. just calmly go up to him and ask him to please talk to you and tell you whats bothering him because its making you really nervous and you feel like he doesn’t want you anymore.
Honesty is the best policy.
Post # 13
I agree with what other bees said. Don’t pester him.
In fact, try ignoring him. Show confidence. Strut around as if nothing was going on. Don’t let on that this is bothering you.
I guarantee he’ll stop acting distant very soon.
Post # 14
@purpleglitterglam: This advice is really immature. “Strut around” “ignore him” That is what children do, not adults.
OP – Men and women don’t always process things the same way. He may be on and off lately because he is trying to sort out his feelings and thoughts after your fight. Women tend to want to talk things through a lot, but men tend to be different. (And yes, I know there are exceptions to the rule on both sides.) It may also have nothing to do with you.
If you’re really concerned, I would suggest one attempt at sitting down with him and drawing him out, with something like, “I’m not trying to pester you, but I feel like there is a problem, and I’d like to discuss it with you, especially if it has to do with our relationship.” If he says nothing is wrong or he doesn’t want to talk, it’s not like you can force him, so at that point you’ll have to wait him out.
Post # 15
@kellym83: I bet he’s getting ready to propose. Guys start acting really funny around that time.
Post # 16
@kellym83: I would just talk to him. Ask him what is bothering him, and if he says it has nothing to do with you, leave it alone. If he’s already made up his mind to break up with you, there isn’t anything you can really do. Hopefully that isn’t the case and he’s just worried about work or something. Best of luck.