- 4 years ago
I didn’t know where to put this, there is a Bride and a Waiting board, but nothing in between for fiancées who might not want to get married after all. I didn’t post this in relationship, because it has nothing to do with FI, the man and love of my life. Things are going great, I love him with all my heart. Maybe I should have posted it in Money, because that’s the dealbreaker.
I didn’t want a wedding in the first place. I never dreamt about getting married. I never saw myself wearing a wedding dress. I always thought it was such a waste of money. I’m 27 and still a student, so ”having money” or ”having savings” is not something I can relate to. Needless to say, all these years, thinking about spendind 5K or 10K for a DAY was more than ridiculous in my mind, especially given my financial situation. But SO started talking about wedding, how it was important in his family (while it’s not in mine : only my parents and godparents are married, most uncles and aunts are not. Lots of common-laws, even if they’ve been together for more than 20 years). I started imagining myself saying ”yes” to the man I love, and I liked the idea. I thought we could throw a small event where we’d reunite both our families, and I liked the idea, because it rarely happens.
FI said the wedding had to have our aunts and uncles at least (and he has many), that brings us to 60 guests, more than I thought at first. I had anxiety crisis over that (I hate being the center of attention, and so does FI), over money (we CAN’T afford to pay for that many people), about the venue (if I’m going to spend for a venue I don’t like and food I don’t like just because I can’t afford something to my taste, I’ll resent my wedding forever, and I prefer spending that money elsewhere, like student debts or downpayment for a house).
Also, right now I’m the only one saving money for the wedding, because FI went back to college this fall and he can’t put any money on our wedding for now. The pressure of gathering all the savings alone, while I’m already anxious over money and debts, is too much to bear. Plus, we found out if we got married in 2015 like we wanted, that it would cut half of SO’s student loans, which he needs to pay his tuition, but also the rent and groceries, with me.
I’m not sure I want to get married anymore. I mean, I’d like to be married to my love, but from the options I see, none of them appeal to me. Going to the courthouse is a no (we both hate the idea), having a backyard BBQ is a no (plus we don’t know anyone who has a backyard large enough), getting into debts is especially a no. I was happy as a common-law. I’m not sure a wedding is my thing. We’re practical people. I didn’t have a proposal, we simply discussed it through and thought it was a good idea. Then, we started looking at the prices, change our plans 3 times to find better ideas and less expensive, but it’s always too much and I started freaking out about the whole thing.
We agreed to get married, together. I don’t know if it’s okay to discuss the situation back to common-law. Are we allowed to change our minds once we’re engaged ? Not everybody knows we’re engaged yet. Only our parents and my grandparents, and our sisters. I really fear the Holidays when people will learn through word-to-mouth that we got engaged. I’m scared I might have to lie that I’m happy about it, while I HATE the planning, and I HATE the money it will cost. It brings hell to my life, while I was happy before.
Any thoughts on that ? Suggestion, opinion ? Is it normal to want to throw the towel at some point ? I know many Bees go through this phase, but do not necessarily cancel everything. But what if deep down, it’s what I think is best for us (not to get married and stay common-laws) ? How do I know which is best ? Or how do I stop freaking out about money, if wedding is still an option ? I don’t want to disappoint my FI, I don’t want him to think it’s personal. But right now, I am not having a single ounce of fun planning, and I don’t WANT to spend a dime. We were supposed to pay a deposit for a venue soon, and I keep finding excuses not to. I love the place. But I hate the spending. Am I biased because I’m poor ? I mean, 700$ for a deposit is not a big deal for many, but it feels painful to me.