Thinking about breaking off engagement *vent*

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
104 posts
Blushing bee

the thing that bothers me the most about your situation is how it seems like your FI pressured you into have this big wedding, yet is making you fund all of it. How is that fair?? I think you should tell him about how ridiculous that is (obviously not in an angry way) and maybe he’ll see things from a different perspective?

Post # 4
3202 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Would you consider just staying engaged? When people ask about the wedding planning, just say, “Oh, we’re planning to wait until after FI finishes school/until we build some savings/after we a buy a house!” That way perhaps your FI (and his family) would be appeased, but you also wouldn’t have to worry about your wedding interfering with student loan debt and whatnot?

Post # 5
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think in this case it would be sensible to have a long engagement? I’m sure you don’t want to become “un-engaged” and a ring on your finger shows that you are committed to each other. That’s what I would do anyway. I’d say that you’re waiting until you’re in a better position to be able to afford to do what you want to do – the emphasis being on what YOU (both) want to do. Over time you might decide you want smaller/bigger but at least you’ve had time to think about it? 

Good luck in your decision, don’t rush into anything, and I don’t think you sound ready enough to be putting deposits down on anything – that’ll be even more of a waste of moneyif you decide not to go ahead. 


Post # 6
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

You don’t have to spend even $5k on a wedding. You can have a simple ceremony at a church, and a small reception at a nice, local restaurant. Find a nice, affordable dress and even do your own hair and makeup, if you’d like. Maybe you guys opt for an affordable buffet option. There are many places who will work off a ~$15/pp budget. I still can’t see that being more than a couple grand, at most. Now, you may have to sacrifice a photographer, florist and things like that. However, it doesn’t sound like you value those things anyway. And, you can have a family member or friend with a nice camera take some shots. I have a friend doing something similar next month, which I will be in attendance and I haven’t heard anyone really scoff at the idea. They’ve been very straightforward about it being a very intimate, no-frills, low key celebration of their marriage.




Post # 7
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@NauticalDisaster:  He’s the one who wants the wedding, yet you’re the one paying for it? Yeah…no. He either needs to contribute or you need to elope/do something small. There is also always the third option of breaking off the engagement, like you suggested.

I don’t know either of you or all the nuances of your relationship, but I personally would be hesitant to marry a man who didn’t take my feelings into consideration, doesn’t prioritize money in the same way that I do, does whatever his family says to keep them happy (that is NO WAY to go through life and will follow you forever, especially when you have kids), and won’t compromise.

Post # 8
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@NauticalDisaster:  I feel for you. I really, really do. I didn’t care about having a big wedding, but it was important to my FH. So we are having the big shebang, and I’ve been planning most of it. While I do think I’ll enjoy the wedding, it still annoys me that we are spending the money on it. 

Since you are both not financially prepared to pay for the wedding, I agree with PPs to either 1) have a long engagement so you can save money, or 2) elope or just have a simple affair. I know your FI wants to celebrate with family, but it doesn’t seem realistic for either of you to be blowing money on it. I hope you can find something you both agree on that works for you. 

Post # 9
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m with you up until when you say that neither of you want a courthouse wedding. Why not? It sounds like something you would want, if you don’t want to spend a lot of money. I don’t understand. That to me is the solution… it sounds like being married would be a good thing, you just don’t want the expense of a wedding. And I agree with PP – why is he wanting you to pay for the wedding? You need to talk this over with him ASAP!

Post # 10
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

When is your FI going to finish college? I’d push it off until then! Then you can re-evaluate!

Post # 11
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Would you consider just staying engaged? Lots of people have long engagements and it seems to be a solution in this case.

Post # 12
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

if this were me id have a long engagement. Then when the Mr is done with school and gets a job he can start paying for the wedding he wants

Post # 13
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d say your uncertainty is a clear sign that you should wait; postpone the engagement. It has probably happened too soon. Explain that you want to be together, but you accidentally rushed this step and need to take a step back. 

There is no reason to rush, and plenty of reasons not to.

Post # 14
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PP. Just extend the engagement. There’s no rule book to follow for people being engaged. 

Also, I don’t quite understand why going to the courthouse is a no. If the point is being married (NOT the wedding?) then why wouldn’t that suffice?

Post # 15
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I think like PP’s said there is nothing wrong with being engaged for a long time.  

Mr VB and I are not engaged yet-because he wants to pay for the ring outright and he wants us to have a wedding that is not on credit.

We’ve both opened up our own accounts for this and we probably won’t be getting married until 2016 or 2017.  I am 30 and I REALLY WANT it to be so much sooner….but like you I’ve decided that I do want a day where both of our family gets together as it never happens.  Unlike you…I want the dress and I want pictures so I can remember this day for life.

I totally agree with not having the day being to extravagant and too much money just for one day.  But I still do want the day where we celebrate how far we’ve come as a couple, and where we plan to go next as a familiy unit.  And I’m willing to wait, and when you think about it (not sure how long you two have been together), Mr VB and I got together while we were still in school, and I’m done, he’s finishing up, and I think it’s okay to say ‘we want to be done with school first so we can really enjoy the moment’.

I know that saving can feel sooo slow moving and it can be frustrating.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting a little longer to have the moment that the two of you want to have together. 

Good Luck!

Post # 16
252 posts
Helper bee

@NauticalDisaster:  I really agree with you, I think your hesitations are coming from the financial aspect of this engagement/wedding, and I really don’t think it is anything about your doubts on your FI being the right guy for you.

However, financial reasons are a great reason to postpone a wedding and/or engagement, and it bothers me when I see a couple get engaged when they’re not comfortable with their finances. With that in mind, I completely support your choice not to spend $5k-$10k on a wedding. That is absolutely insane given your financial situation, and it raises a level of concern that maybe you and your FI aren’t on that same page when it comes to finances.

I don’t think that you should be writing off the wedding just yet though, because it sounds to me like the only reason you’re wanting to go back to a common-law is because it fixes the financial aspect – but from what you said, it sounds like you want to marry him (and that he really wants to marry you). If finances weren’t causing you stress would you want to proceed with wedding plans? Or would you want to remain common-law regardless? I think you need to ask yourself that question before you make any other choices.

As for your wedding – there is no reason why your FI should get to dictate what type of wedding you have. Weddings are important to him, and I think it would be fair for him to have a wedding where his family could come celebrate with you both, and it can be done fairly inexpensively even. It might not be his “dream” wedding, but to me, a wedding is about sharing the moment with your friends and family, not about fancy dinners and pretty flowers. For example, you could get married at a local church then have the reception at a park where you could rent a pavillion. I know around here you can get a church for about $200 (including preacher) and rent a pavillion with covered benches at the park for around $100 for 3 hours. You could have your wedding around 2:00-5:00, outside of meal serving hours (at least here those aren’t meal times) and just serve light refreshements (fruits, cheese, crackers, punch, cake, etc.) You already have your dress, so with any other “expenses” you might come across, you could probably have an actual wedding for under $1,000. 

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