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I am thinking about calling off our wedding. I have been blowing it off thinking its cold feet, and this morning I realized that I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
My FI is very OCD/controlling about strange things -- I can hang out with my friends all I want, or take trips back home to see my family, but I can't choose anything having to do with our home or vehicles. I need a new car soon, and he told me what I was getting! I protested and he says that when I am the breadwinner, or when the mortgage is in my name, then I can make financial decisions. He budgets my paycheck for me, and I am left feeling like a child. I've tried talking to him about it, and it never gets better.
He yells at me if anything in our home is out of place or not to his liking... he works 24 hours at a time, and I find myself waking up 2 hours before he's due home to make sure the house is spotless.
It didn't used to be this way, but now its starting to show up more and more. I relocated to a town 3 hours away for our relationship, and I love my job, but I am scared because I don't know anyone here.
I need advice.
Oh love. So sorry you're going through this. Walk away. Whatever way you can. Either throw stuff in a bag and go, or plan to go in a couple weeks, or see if you can get someone from your family to 'come visit' for a few days to help you get out.
Read Miss Sand Dollar's blog post - ony up inside the last couple days - about what she went through with her ex, he started beating her on their honeymoon. Out of the blue. You do need ot get out sooner rather than later.
Yelling and bossing, patronising and controlling - it really sounds like a precursor to actual violence. Leave.
This does not sound healthy at all. I would talk to your family about this and take their advice. We can't possibly know enough on here to tell you to call off your wedding. I think you should turn to the people who know you best. I wish you the best either way.
Hard to say whether your partner is being abusive or not... but you don't sound very happy and that's an important point. It sounds like your FI is being controlling and your home life isn't very fun at the moment.
You need to speak with your FI about this again. Be really firm this time. Tell him that you're unhappy and you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Tell him that it doesn't matter who makes more money - you should still have a say in your home and your purchases. Tell him that you feel so strongly about all of this that you have considered calling off the wedding and leaving him. If talking to him about this kind of thing seems too scary... then things have gone too far and you need to start looking at your options for leaving him.
On the other hand... its hard to know without more details. Has he been stressed at work? Is wedding planning getting to both of you? How long have you lived together so far? Maybe things have been just too stressful and he doesn't know how to live and share a space with someone else. Talk to your FI again, talk to some family members and maybe even a counsellor and then make a decision... Good luck! I'm sorry you're going through this! Everyone should feel happy and safe in their own home.
I'm terribly sorry you are in this situation, but I feel that it is a good thing you are realizing these things now instead of after you have walked down the aisle.
From what you have written, it sounds as though he is controlling. No one person in a relationship has the right to dictate finances, no matter who the main breadwinner is. The power in the relationship will ultimately shift towards whoever controls the money and a relationship should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
The other thing that concerns me is that, although you can hang out with your friends and family all you want right now, it appears that there is a chance he is isolating you. He's already gotten you to move 3 hours away, where you know no one, and right now he can know your every move.
Please, please let others know how you're feeling. Knowledge is power. I beg of you - none of this sounds healthy and to get out now.
@heathaah: That's really good advice because you're right. There's no way we can know the whole story. Good luck and hugs!
Be open and honest with those you trust most. Find help to get out. Take what you can. You will be ok, especially if you utilize the love and support of your family and friends. You are a strong and capable woman and you are wise to realize what is happening and feel open to taking care of yourself. You do not deserve to be in that situation. You are not a child and no person should control your paycheck/home/car/belongings. Best of luck to you, we are here for you.
I would leave. Immediately. My cousin is in a relationship that sounds very similar, and now she's not "allowed" to visit her family, who she's very close to. It's a heartbreaking situation. You're your own person, you're making a paycheck. You're not a child and you shouldn't be treated as such. I second Aunt Pol's advice. If you want to talk to him about it, do it after you're safe at your family home or with friends. Get out and be safe, and worry about his feelings later. You need to do what's best for you.
@aunt pol:Can you put up the link please? I didn't see it. To the OP, your details are kind of scanty but all I know is that you are deeply unhappy. I guess you don't have friends or relatives around that you can spend time with. If he is not controlling about your time and it's mainly financial, then maybe that's how his parents' marriage was run and he is just continuing the pattern. As for the shouting and you being unsettled before he comes home, that's something he has to work on. If he really is OCD, there are medications and therapies that help people. There is a reason you agreed to marry him in the first place. Hopefully this is something that just started occuring so maybe he's going through life changes... I wish you luck though.
@heathaah and @prairiegirl: while we obv don't know all details, or indeed his side, there is nothing else this can be called than abusive.
He budgets her paycheck. He was clearly not asked to do this. He yells at her if the house is not spotless.
While he is obv stressed if working 24 hour shifts, which would surely drive anyone a bit funny, that is still no excuse for his behaviour. It's obviously in him to be abusive. He will only get worse after the wedding, they all seem to follow the same sad pattern.
I say go while you can. I have a friend being beaten by her husband, and it's the saddest thing in the world. He actually has her brainwashed into thinking it's her fault for upsetting him. Her 12 yr old son has actually attempted to stop him hitting her, more than once. In March she was in hospital with concussion, and was very lucky to keep her hearing. Yet she went back, because he convinced her she needed him, and he her.
Life is too short to stay with someone like this, unless he suddenly has a revelation and goes for anger management training/therapy.
@heathaah: I totally agree
Since I dont know what he is really like in person I cant really make better judgement. But I hope everything works out for you.
The Sand dollar post is from July 22nd, and its called "And now... the Heavy", just in case this link doesn't work:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/07/22/second-wedding-2/#more-153731
Let him know immediately that if you don't get to make decision about the house you live in you're moving out. Or better yet, move out.
If you're at all capable of affording any kind of apartment - and it sounds like you are - I can see zero incentive to submit to the total financial control of someone else and to feel uncomfortable in your own place.
A tiny studio can be a wonderful and cozy haven - and all yours.
After that - maybe continue to date him.
If this is his only flaw - maybe getting hit with a brick (i.e. you moving out) will wake him up to the fact that allowing him to provide for you is a 'gift' and can be taken away and that his way of behaivor is not acceptable and you will not be accepting 'providing' if it comes with strings attached. If this isn't his only flaw... I would dump him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds a lot like my parents' relationship which went from emotionally and verbally abusive to physically abusive over the years. Not only did my dad abuse my mother, but also us kids. Honestly, you are the only one who knows all the details, but I would be worried that this may get worse over time.
I have called off a wedding 2 months prior to the big day and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I took a couple of days and stepped away from the relationship...I had zero interaction with my ex for those few days and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. In my situation it was me not being in love with him but also feeling like I was going from my parent’s house right into his house and having a lack of independence.
This may be a situation of you laying everything on the line, telling him exactly how you feel and what needs to change in order for you to continue on with the relationship. If the two of you want to work it out then put the wedding on hold for a little bit to see if the dynamics of the relationship change and if it is now a relationship you can be proud of and happy with. If things do not change then walk away. Do not beat around the bush be completely honest.
I've always been fearful of doing something that he will blow up at... He told his son last week that I was "worthless and lazy" because I do not turn the socks right side out before I wash them. Miss SD's post sounds like him to a T, minus the outright putdowns about my weight -- he just constantly asks me every day when I'm going to the gym for the day, rather than blatantly pointing out flaws -- or physical abuse. He has never put his hands on me.
What bothers me is that his ex mother in law (they're still friendly because she helps out with his son) mentioned she had major concerns during his marriage to her daughter. She is a wonderful person and I can't imagine she was coming from a malicious place with this information. She has tried to warn me in a veiled way a couple of times.
I started noticing it when we were first dating, but these behaviors come and go. He would send me passive agressive texts when I wouldn't answer the phone, but blamed it on me living 3 hours away and him being concerned. Its just escalated in the past 2 weeks or so in a big way.
I know no one here, so I'm afraid of staying but afraid of leaving too. He and his son are all I have here. I have a great job but I can't rely on my job alone.
I would talk to your FI and say what you said here. That you can't be in a relationship where you are not respected. See what he says and it may help to make your decision. But I do think you should air clearly your concern before leaving. However, I would not get married until this issue is resolved in your mind.
edit: I didn't see your last post when I replied. Something really needs to be done, that's not a good partnership if one views the other as worthless. I can't imagine being able to stay with someone who viewed me that way. I'm less than perfect sometimes but my husband helps lift me up when I'm going through a rough patch rather than push me farther down. I really think marriage is about two people making each other better and he's not doing that.
I know I've already posted, but better for you to err on the side of caution on this one. Can you call the ex-MIL and talk to her openly? Just please don't stay with someone who calls you worthless. This guy is supposed to love you unconditionally, no matter how you do his laundry. You aren't worthless, and he doesn't have the right to tell you that you are.
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
If you can, please look into the resources available for battered women in your community. They will have resources to help you - they may even be able to help you find a place to stay, etc. I realize that you said he never put his hands on you, but emotional abuse is a precursor to physical abuse. Also, you said his behaviors come and go, which can be typical of an abusive person as well. Their behavior tends to go on a "circle of violence" where horrible/abusive behavior is followed by apologies, promises to do better, and sometimes gifts (flowers, vacations, etc), only to be followed by another blow-up.
Please take care of yourself, and please get help. This stuff is too scary to do on your own.
Why are you afraid of leaving? I mean what are the concrete reasons? Listing them out can help you deal with them. Why do you need to "have" anyone?
IMO a great job is plenty to have. You move into a cheap (safe) motel room and look for a small apartment ASAP. If you have a great job - this is not so hard. You find a nice place - maybe with roomates depending on preferences and live your life.
After that, you make your own friends in the area, join a club or two, hang out with coworkers. Completely doable. What else do you need?
I am afraid of leaving because it will be hard for me to afford anything on my own, plus I'm afraid of feeling isolated. I sold all my furniture etc when I moved here, and rented out my home. I feel like I need the support of friends and family, but they're all so far from here. I guess I don't need to 'have' anyone but support/company would be nice while I go through this.
I know that jobs aren't easy to come by right now, but if that's the only thing keeping you with him... well that's not a very stable relationship foundation! IMO it's better to lose a good job than to stay in an abusive relationship.
Is there someone you can go stay with (in another city) until you can get on your own feet without him?
@missbunnyrabbit: I think maybe you should have a discussion with him and let him know your feelings. Ask him if he is willing to go to counseling. If he is not I think that you should go yourself. I think it would be helpful to have a neutral person to talk to and figure out what next step is best.
@missbunnyrabbit: Would it be hard or impossible to afford things on your own? Arachna listed some good ideas to get you started. If friends/family knew your situation, do you think they'd be able to visit with you during this time?
THis is very creepy and is NOT a normal way for people to treat each other. Good men don't do this. Please leave.
I agree with jo.lee - have a REALLY frank discussion with the ex-MIL.
Crunch some numbers. Running the numbers won't cost you anything and it can make a big difference in a sea of vague panic (from personal experience). It can make you feel more in control even if you don't do anything with it. Figure out what you can afford. Look up what apartments cost, figure out how cheaply you can eat.
Support is important yes absolutely. But you can do it without. And support doesn't have to be physically close. I live far from my family (which is a constant ouch to me because they mean so much to me) but they support me constantly through phone calls especially if I'm going through a hard time.
I spent three years in NYC without any family or close friends (though I was getting monetary support). It wasn't so hard even when it wasn't very fun. What stops most people is the fear not the actual expereince of it being difficult.
You can absolutely do it.
Your safety and happiness are THE most important things. It sounds like you may possibly be in an abusive relationship. All the money and financial stability in the world aren't worth staying in a relationship like that. It will be hard to start out on your own but you CAN do it!
You say you're renting out your house? Does that mean you own a house elsewhere, which you rented out when you moved to be with this guy? If so, then at least the bulk of your financial issues asre short term, at least.
I say jack in the job and leave, go home to your folks for a while to get your head together. I personally would not be inclined to stay in the same town- how are you supposed to deal with the emotional fallout from breaking up with him if he can just march into your workplace, or stop you to talk as you leave it?
To be honest, his ex- MIL's concerns just cement it for me. Just go. You can pick up the pieces of your life. Being blunt here, but it;s better than picking up your teeth off the floor.
Best of luck chick.
I agree 100% with Aunt Pol.
The fact that his ex MIL is warning you!! Run. Where there is a will there is a way. Seriously. After 10 years of BS from my ex, including psychological abuse and one instance of attempted physical harm (from him to me), he really started to get worse. When he threw his computer desk at me (with computer on it!) and caused a dinner plate sized raised bruise on my thigh, that was it.
I never should have waited THAT long but justified for years because of the kids, and because he was emotionally abusive and psychologically screwed with me but didn't hit me. He didn't call me names. he was much more subtle and calculating in his form of abuse.
I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, really. When I told him to get out I was working for minimum wage at my children's private school and over half of each check went towards their tuition. I had no idea what I was going to do, no savings, nada... but you know what? It worked out.
Things will always work out.
Oh and regarding his ex MIL warning you: my own mother has warned every one of my brother's girlfriends and his (now) wife about him and they never listen! My brother (who I adore, but I'm being honest here) is not abusive but he's an alcoholic with some pretty serious emotional problems. He is also completely charming, intelligent, funny, and loving... but being married to him is hell. He takes off for days, his moods are up and down, he will drink up the rent, and so on.
I was always amazed at my mom warning someone that they did NOT realize what they were getting in to.. she loves her son and would never want to speak ill of him to a potential wife or long term girlfriend.. but she knows he's not a good husband/boyfriend in the long term! His wife now says she wished she'd listened, and they are married but haven't lived together in years due to his crap.
So the point is, if someone in a "mother role" to him says this kind of thing to you she probably is fond of him but knows what is to come, and you should take it to heart!
After your post about what he calls you and the exMIL trying to warn you, I would say that you really need to get out of there and out of your situation. Statistics show that many women remain in abusive relationships because they are are afraid of being alone or not having the financial means and not thinking they have anyone to turn to. If your family or friends knew about this, surely they'd offer to take you in? You HAVE to do whatever it takes to get out of that house and stay away from him.
The one thing I've learned from all the programs is that in an abusive relationship, the abuser will isolate the other person and make them feel like they can't turn to anyone else. It looks like he was able to isolate you by getting you to move 3 hours away from your family and friends! Can't you return to your family?
Stay safe and try to get out of there!
Best thing is call your folks, or a friend who has the resources, and get someone to book you a flight/ bus or train ticket. Just go. You will find another job, you can then see about getting back on your feet. Get out from under this man's thumb now. You know it will prob become a fist if you don't.
The abuse that doesn't manifest in bruises is the worst kind indeed, because we can't prove it and you often think it's your fault. This is NOT your fault, and you deserve better.
Run. Run before you become more invovled. Counselling? Sure, but I honestly don't believe you can fix someone who thinks they are in the right. This would be a problem he may find hard to admit to, it's just the way he lives. I'm not saying people can't change, but well, maybe I am. You can't change him, but you CAN change what you do, and in my opinion that is LEAVE.
So you're 3 hours away from family, and you have a job. Is your job more important than your happiness and safety? Feck it, bail on the job and move home to your family :) They love you!
As a woman who has been in two extremely abusive relationships, don't THINK about calling it off. Call it off, period.
I moved from MI to Texas to be with my first ex. He hit me for the first time 6 months after we got married. It took me another 6 months to actually leave him, but I did eventually. I jumped into another relationship because my self-esteem was so messed up after the first relationship, and I found myself in the arms of another abuser.
If you're only three hours away from your family, call them and ask them to come down a day he has to work. Have them help you pack your stuff and get out. His behavior is not OCD, it's abusive.
It took me years to heal and find love again, but I did. And I'm a much stronger person now. You can do this! Be strong!
Update. My old employer in the city I moved here from has a position open that I am even better suited for than my original job there. AND one of my best friends said I could move in with them until my renters lease is up at the home I own (March). I am exploring these options :))
@missbunnyrabbit: I think this is a great option for you! You have a VERY clear path out. Thanks for updating us -- please continue to keep us updated.
How are things going with your FI? Have you talked to him about all of this?
@missbunnyrabbit: That is such great news! You must be feeling much less trapped and that in itself is empowering. Keep us updated :)
Things with him are ok. On his end, he is MAJORLY sucking up... putting sweet comments on all our pics on Facebook, framing a picture of the day we got engaged and hanging it on the wall, doing all the cooking/cleaning, making a point to spend quality time with me before bed, etc.
We got the paycheck budget issue worked out, and now I'm just contributing a set amount to the household expenses each month, and otherwise its all mine.
However.... I'm still hurt. Lost. Confused. I've lost a lot of confidence in his ability to be a good partner. This morning he called me and let me know I had forgotten to close the garage door and I panicked... but he didn't flip his lid. He told me to just find something to help me remember so that nothing gets stolen out of the garage. Said it wasn't a big deal since he was home, but that he'd hate for my triathlon gear to get taken in the event that he WASN'T home.
So at this point its a day by day. I'm still exploring my options.
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