Post # 1
I am thinking about calling off our wedding. I have been blowing it off thinking its cold feet, and this morning I realized that I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
My FI is very OCD/controlling about strange things — I can hang out with my friends all I want, or take trips back home to see my family, but I can’t choose anything having to do with our home or vehicles. I need a new car soon, and he told me what I was getting! I protested and he says that when I am the breadwinner, or when the mortgage is in my name, then I can make financial decisions. He budgets my paycheck for me, and I am left feeling like a child. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and it never gets better.
He yells at me if anything in our home is out of place or not to his liking… he works 24 hours at a time, and I find myself waking up 2 hours before he’s due home to make sure the house is spotless.
It didn’t used to be this way, but now its starting to show up more and more. I relocated to a town 3 hours away for our relationship, and I love my job, but I am scared because I don’t know anyone here.
I need advice.
Post # 3
Oh love. So sorry you’re going through this. Walk away. Whatever way you can. Either throw stuff in a bag and go, or plan to go in a couple weeks, or see if you can get someone from your family to ‘come visit’ for a few days to help you get out.
Read Miss Sand Dollar’s blog post – ony up inside the last couple days – about what she went through with her ex, he started beating her on their honeymoon. Out of the blue. You do need ot get out sooner rather than later.
Yelling and bossing, patronising and controlling – it really sounds like a precursor to actual violence. Leave.
Post # 4
This does not sound healthy at all. I would talk to your family about this and take their advice. We can’t possibly know enough on here to tell you to call off your wedding. I think you should turn to the people who know you best. I wish you the best either way.
Post # 5
Hard to say whether your partner is being abusive or not… but you don’t sound very happy and that’s an important point. It sounds like your FI is being controlling and your home life isn’t very fun at the moment.
You need to speak with your FI about this again. Be really firm this time. Tell him that you’re unhappy and you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Tell him that it doesn’t matter who makes more money – you should still have a say in your home and your purchases. Tell him that you feel so strongly about all of this that you have considered calling off the wedding and leaving him. If talking to him about this kind of thing seems too scary… then things have gone too far and you need to start looking at your options for leaving him.
On the other hand… its hard to know without more details. Has he been stressed at work? Is wedding planning getting to both of you? How long have you lived together so far? Maybe things have been just too stressful and he doesn’t know how to live and share a space with someone else. Talk to your FI again, talk to some family members and maybe even a counsellor and then make a decision… Good luck! I’m sorry you’re going through this! Everyone should feel happy and safe in their own home.
Post # 6
I’m terribly sorry you are in this situation, but I feel that it is a good thing you are realizing these things now instead of after you have walked down the aisle.
From what you have written, it sounds as though he is controlling. No one person in a relationship has the right to dictate finances, no matter who the main breadwinner is. The power in the relationship will ultimately shift towards whoever controls the money and a relationship should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
The other thing that concerns me is that, although you can hang out with your friends and family all you want right now, it appears that there is a chance he is isolating you. He’s already gotten you to move 3 hours away, where you know no one, and right now he can know your every move.
Please, please let others know how you’re feeling. Knowledge is power. I beg of you – none of this sounds healthy and to get out now.
Post # 7
@heathaah: That’s really good advice because you’re right. There’s no way we can know the whole story. Good luck and hugs!
Post # 8
Be open and honest with those you trust most. Find help to get out. Take what you can. You will be ok, especially if you utilize the love and support of your family and friends. You are a strong and capable woman and you are wise to realize what is happening and feel open to taking care of yourself. You do not deserve to be in that situation. You are not a child and no person should control your paycheck/home/car/belongings. Best of luck to you, we are here for you.
Post # 9
I would leave. Immediately. My cousin is in a relationship that sounds very similar, and now she’s not “allowed” to visit her family, who she’s very close to. It’s a heartbreaking situation. You’re your own person, you’re making a paycheck. You’re not a child and you shouldn’t be treated as such. I second Aunt Pol’s advice. If you want to talk to him about it, do it after you’re safe at your family home or with friends. Get out and be safe, and worry about his feelings later. You need to do what’s best for you.
Post # 10
@aunt pol:Can you put up the link please? I didn’t see it. To the OP, your details are kind of scanty but all I know is that you are deeply unhappy. I guess you don’t have friends or relatives around that you can spend time with. If he is not controlling about your time and it’s mainly financial, then maybe that’s how his parents’ marriage was run and he is just continuing the pattern. As for the shouting and you being unsettled before he comes home, that’s something he has to work on. If he really is OCD, there are medications and therapies that help people. There is a reason you agreed to marry him in the first place. Hopefully this is something that just started occuring so maybe he’s going through life changes… I wish you luck though.
Post # 11
@heathaah and @prairiegirl: while we obv don’t know all details, or indeed his side, there is nothing else this can be called than abusive.
He budgets her paycheck. He was clearly not asked to do this. He yells at her if the house is not spotless.
While he is obv stressed if working 24 hour shifts, which would surely drive anyone a bit funny, that is still no excuse for his behaviour. It’s obviously in him to be abusive. He will only get worse after the wedding, they all seem to follow the same sad pattern.
I say go while you can. I have a friend being beaten by her husband, and it’s the saddest thing in the world. He actually has her brainwashed into thinking it’s her fault for upsetting him. Her 12 yr old son has actually attempted to stop him hitting her, more than once. In March she was in hospital with concussion, and was very lucky to keep her hearing. Yet she went back, because he convinced her she needed him, and he her.
Life is too short to stay with someone like this, unless he suddenly has a revelation and goes for anger management training/therapy.
Post # 12
@heathaah: I totally agree
Since I dont know what he is really like in person I cant really make better judgement. But I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 13
The Sand dollar post is from July 22nd, and its called “And now… the Heavy”, just in case this link doesn’t work:
Post # 14
Let him know immediately that if you don’t get to make decision about the house you live in you’re moving out. Or better yet, move out.
If you’re at all capable of affording any kind of apartment – and it sounds like you are – I can see zero incentive to submit to the total financial control of someone else and to feel uncomfortable in your own place.
A tiny studio can be a wonderful and cozy haven – and all yours.
After that – maybe continue to date him.
If this is his only flaw – maybe getting hit with a brick (i.e. you moving out) will wake him up to the fact that allowing him to provide for you is a ‘gift’ and can be taken away and that his way of behaivor is not acceptable and you will not be accepting ‘providing’ if it comes with strings attached. If this isn’t his only flaw… I would dump him.
Post # 15
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. To me it sounds a lot like my parents’ relationship which went from emotionally and verbally abusive to physically abusive over the years. Not only did my dad abuse my mother, but also us kids. Honestly, you are the only one who knows all the details, but I would be worried that this may get worse over time.
Post # 16
And no OCD is gonna cover that behaviour either. That’s just abuse.