Post # 1
I am in desperate need of some advice. I don’t know what to do and i’ve never been more stressed than this. The FI and I are really thinking about canceling our wedding and just packing up our families for a destination wedding. Its a really long story so please bear with me.
Here goes..Before the FI and I made any decisions on our venue we both asked our parents if they had a problem with us doing a small wedding. We really wanted to have a nice wedding and since we were paying for the wedding ourselves we had to stick to a budget. Our parents agreed so we found our venue and signed our contract. This was 7 months ago.
Fast foward to last week…Everything is pretty much planned. We were able to get our guestlist to about 200. We get a call from the FI’s dad telling us he needs to be able to invite 80 more people. The FI’s tells him that we have not bugeted for that many guest and that there is no way we could afford to make that work. FI asked his dad if he would be willing to pay for the additonal 80 guest himself and dad says no! FI and his dad get into a huge argument (did I mention that they don’t really get along, his mom raised him) and his dad hangs up on him.
Next thing we know, we find out that his dad has called several family members and told them they must pay if they want to go to the wedding. WTH?! We recieved a few concerned calls and also a few angry calls from people who were very offended. Well on top of that the FI’s dad makes an excel sheet of how much it cost to bring up the FI. WTF?!
Both the FI and I are over all of this drama. We are thinking about canceling the SF wedding and just paying for our immediate families, and bridal party to fly to Mexico and get married there. We would lose our deposits but even so the cost would still be under our budget. I really like the idea but I don’t want to have any regrets.
So bees, what do you think? I’m sorry this is so long but i really need to vent!
Post # 3
WoW!!! WTH? I can hardly believe FFIL had the “guts” to call people and tell them that THEY had to pay to go to your wedding!!! What Nerve!!! What does your FI want to do? Who are these 80 additional people that your FFIL wants to suddenly invite? Can you just ignore FFIL and just go ahead with your plans on your own terms?
Post # 4
If small is how you wanted it to be, I’d say that if you’re going to cancel, 5 months out is as close as I’d want to cut it.
And I’m sure that the guests who were told by FI’s dad that they’d have to pay to attend would totally understand the phrase “due to circumstances out of our control, we have decided to have a private ceremony. Thank you for your support.”
Post # 5
Wow, I have never heard of anything so outrageous. That’s a tough decision. I’d either flat-out tell dad the guest list stays as is, or go with Mexico and leave dad home.
Post # 6
I just think it is a shame to cancel YOUR planned wedding day and elope just because FFIL is such a _ _ _ _!!! IMO maybe HE should stay home!!! What a Jerk!!!!
Post # 7
Oh wow…im stumbling over the fact that he made a SPREADSHEET…how crazy is that.
I feel your concern though..and i have thought of doing this a million times for the exact same reason (but not to this extent)
I think it would be best to leave it alone right now and see how things go. You and your FI need to put you feet into the ground and not budge an inch though. Your wedding, your money, your day…plain and simple.
Post # 8
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Your FFIL called potential guests and told them they had to PAY to come to your wedding. I’m so sorry this happened. 200 people is still a lot. It seems like a total shame to cancel the wedding you have been planning… but sitting here thinking about how I would feel if my FFIL did that… I would be so embarrassed and probably have the same reaction you just did.
Did you send out save the dates?
Post # 9
WOW!! You should go a head and continue your plans. You can’t let this hic up ruin your wedding plans. What are you going to do the next time the FFIL does something like this to you guys again? Are you going to change plans again??? Anyone who needs clarification will do the right thing and call you both. Simply ignored the FFIL and move on. About the 80 people, since you are both paying for it, then you get to decide. It should be as simple as that. If he doesnt like it then he needs to deal with it! This is about you both, not about the FFIL or anyone else.
Post # 10
That’s so incredibly rude. 80 people?! That’s just insane. It be different if it were 2.
I’d have your FI have a serious conversation with him – that he needs to stop interfering and there’s nothing he can do to change your mind about the guest list.
Post # 11
Wow that’s awful, so the people that the FFIL called, were they already invited to the wedding? Or are those the 80 people he wanted to invite.
I’m so sorry :(. I can’t believe he did that, especially tell people they have to pay & also to make that excel sheet. I’d make him call every single one of those people back & apologize, or not include him. WOW.
Post # 12
That is being completely unreasonable. In most situations, I think people can work throught the problems and shouldn’t cancel the wedding. However, in this case, I totally would be flying very FAR FAR AWAY to get married.
Post # 13
Ugh – I’m so sorry FI’s dad is being jerk about all of this.
I went through a similar situation (trying to decide if I should cancel because of my own family). What I learned through the process is that I had to decide what I wanted (crazy family members aside). If you decide you still want to do the wedding as planned, continue on with your plans. You’ll have to play damage control to the crazy rumors that FI’s dad is spreading about invited guests needing to pay – but any reasonable person will ask and when you tell them, be fine with it.
It seems that FI’s dad is trying to play a control game with him – and, as FI is literally stepping out an creating his own family, trying to be a bully and make him do what he wants. Kudos to your FI for sticking up for himself (and you!) by not giving in.
I wouldn’t scrap all plans just being FI’s dad is being a jerk, personally. Take this weekend and give yourself some time to let the frustration and anger dissipate and then decide together what it is that the two of you really want. Don’t cheat yourself out of a wonderful celebration with supportive friends and family just because his dad is flipping out.
Post # 14
His mom was so upset she even called his dad. So there has been a lot of arguing this past week. There is no way we can afford to pay for 80 more guest. We could ignore his dad and continue as planned but we feel like after all of this its taking away from our happy day. I know that his mom would prefer not to see his dad.
Its a very hard decision because a lot of people have been working very hard to help me get this planned. It makes me appreciate all of the family members that have been so supportive even more. I think we are leaning toward taking those family members on a vacation/wedding as a thank you.
Post # 15
Whoa, FI’s father sounds like he’s really out of line. As a father, the spreadsheet was ridic because your FI didn’t ask to be born. He decided to be a father, and that costs money. Your FI doesn’t owe a debt for that. Jeez, I would of been so upset. And he obviously had no right to tell people they’d have to pay to attend your wedding! I hope you were able to smooth that over.
I personally understand why people end up scratching the traditional wedding idea and going somewhere tropical, with a smaller guest list. I don’t know if you’ll regret going away, but you can rest assured that you’ll be avoiding a lot of headaches, and spending less money. As long as you include every person that means a lot to you, it may be for the best.
Post # 16
I think the most annoying/outrageous part of this whole story is the spreadsheet that he created. Basically he kept tabs on the money, time, energy, etc it took to raise your FI. Now that the two of you are getting married it’s your FI’s responsibility to pay it back via feeding, entertaining, and giving favors to 80 of his acquaintances?? And not even close family or friends because you already had a list which probably included people very close to FI. I’m sorry I’m just really having trouble understanding this childlike behavior.
In my honest opinion, if it was my own father behaving that way, I would probably continue with the original plans rather than canceling them and having a small destination wedding. I would want to have my family and friends there and I wouldn’t want to regret it later on just because my dad was being a jerk. And most importantly, I would ask that he immediately call each guest and apologize for what he said to them. If he decided not to do this, I wouldn’t invite him to my wedding. Harsh but necessary.