Post # 1
I need help. I am at a complete loss and I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my FI but I am terrified to spend the rest of my life with him. I’ll spare you guys the whole novel, but in a nutshell, here’s the good vs bad:
He is sweet, loving, and caring. He is very handsome and crazy passionate. He’s my best friend and soul mate. He is always there for me when I need him. We have been together for 7 years. When I ignore all the bad shit, I’m really happy.
He is broke, lazy, and has NO ambition whatsoever. He allows me to support him financially (I pay the rent, we share MY car). He never went to college and works a dead end job. He has been promising me for YEARS that he would go back to school (trade school) and build up a career. This has not happened. FI has not saved any money for our wedding, yet he has no problem spending $400/month smoking pot. His family is trash. I don’t even want to change my last name because I don’t want to be part of their shitty family.
I am embarassed of my FI. I’m embarassed of my e-ring. I’m afraid to get married because I feel like my unhappiness will turn into bitter resentment and eventually push him into the arms of another woman.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am crying writing this. I don’t know who to turn to… He keeps promising he will change, but he doesn’t. I am tired of waiting. I wake up every day so unhappy and miserable because I feel like I’m about to marry a loser.
We’ve already spent about $5k in deposits for our wedding, which is 6 months away.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@nonny327: Cut your losses, cancel the wedding, and break up with this loser. I make significantly more than my FI but he stepped up and took on additional contracts and worked 60+ hour weeks to pay for our wedding. And he definitely doesn’t squander our money on pot. No matter how much of a soulmate he is to you, he isn’t an equal partner. He’ll spend money on pot and a Playstation but not on your ring or your wedding. It shows where his priorities lie. Marrying this guy will only cause you to be broke and miserable in the longrun.
Post # 4
@nonny327: Consider the 5K a downpayment on your future!
Do not marry an unambitious idiot who can’t folow through on his word!
Post # 5
“I wake up every day so unhappy and miserable because I feel like I’m about to marry a loser.”
That statement above is all I needed to read…
NO ONE should wake up EVERY DAY unhappy and miserable. And then, no one should be marrying someone they call a loser. Im sorry, but I think you have your answer, and cancelling the wedding is probably it.
You two have complete different ideas of what you want out of life, which means there is a pretty large incompability involved. There are many men whom are kind, caring, loving and handsome out there…but it sounds like you want the one whom also earns a living, pays his bills, and is motivated. He is not it.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
My advice is probably not what you want to hear: Call it off.
Your entire life is going to be like this. Is that really what you want? A life of resentment is not a life at all. And eventually, that resentment towards your FI (or husband) will eat away at that love. Please do the both of you a favor and find someone else who makes you feel all of those good things, and a lot fewer of those bad ones!
I’m sorry for your situation. Please be strong. You do not deserve the rest of your life to be filled with regret and resentment.
Post # 7
I’d take a $5000 loss over a failed marriage anyday.
I have a brother who broke off an engagment 4 months before the wedding, he thanks his lucky stars everyday for having the courage to finally say “this isn’t what I want” Was it easy at first? Heck no! But now a year later he is just a much happier person. If you are having doubts this major and don’t even like him, take the $5000 loss and start over.
Good luck, I know things like this are very hard emotionally.
Post # 8
You can take the $5K loss now, or pay that later for lawyer fees when you get a divorce.
Post # 9
@nonny327: Cut your losses. You will become very angry and resentful if you marry him. He has had all kinds of time to change, ne obviously doesn’t want to.
You deserve better!
Post # 10
@OUgal0004: I agree with all of this.
I know you love this guy, Nonny327, but he is not the one for you. If you are this miserable now, you will be so much more miserable later, and probably angry and resentful too. Never ignore the bad stuff in a relationship, always take it into account. The bad stuff is likely what you’ll be dealing with throughout the marriage, and it’s not unusual for that bad behavior to get worse.
I think you should cancel the wedding. Think about what you want in life. If this man is not the kind of husband that will help you achieve that life, it’s time to move on.
Oh, and don’t even worry about losing that $5,000.00. It’s better to take that money as a loss and move on with your life and be happy, than to stay and be miserable with a guy who doesn’t pull his weight.
Post # 11
OH no sweetie!
It’s like this–if you marry him right now as is, things WILL NOT CHANGE.
If you wanted to possibly ‘delay’ the wedding, how would you feel about that? As it: FI THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! Go to school like you said, get your priorities in order, OR ITS OVER.
And if he doesn’t shape up…..then at least you know where you stand.
If he does, then do would you feel better about marrying him? problem solved?
Post # 12
@nonny327: I called off an engagement before because it just wasnt what I wanted after I stepped back. There is no shame in it and after a few weeks I felt so relieved to just have the freedom and be happy I dont regret my decision at all. If you are feeling this way you will always feel this way and resentment isnt something you want to have going into a marriage. Call off the wedding and take the 5K hit and then decide if you want to call off the entire relationship. Take time apart and be strong, I knew once I did that it was the right choice yes it was tough but all the stress felt lifted off my shoulders and Im not talking about wedding planning stress.
Post # 13
@nonny327: A loser with no ambition who smokes pot and mooches off you is not someone you need to be marrying. I’d cut my losses. He’s shown you who he is. You’re already resentful of him or you wouldn’t be thinking about canceling the wedding. If you want to give him a chance to better himself, cancel the wedding and give him a timeline and what he needs to do to prove he’s improving (maybe 6 months to enroll in school or get a better job with advancement opportunities or begin contributing to rent and the household in a substantial way).
Honestly though, I wouldn’t even mess with it. Someone who is content to do nothing, be nothing, and be taken care of by other people probably isn’t going to change their stripes anytime soon.
Post # 14
@nonny327: I stopped reading at no ambition. You have to have to same dreams or your partnership will never work.
Post # 15
Call this thing off. It will be the 5000.00 dollars you can spend right now. You do not have a bright future with him at all.
Post # 16
@nonny327: PS – Are you engaged to my ex?