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I have got to spill my heart out. You don't have to be kind, I don't expect anyone to. This is simply horrible on my part.
I have been "waiting" for an engagement for months. We've talked about it but it hasn't happened. I can truly see myself spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend. The only thing lacking is true lovers passion. :( Other than this, we couldn't be more perfect for one another. He's just kinda plain jane, no fuss or frills, and he likes the ordinary, which I sometimes feel is slightly mundane.
Anyway, down to the blood and guts. Two nights in a row, I had a dream about my ex out of the blue. Then I saw a car at the grocery store that was just like his (uncommon car). I figured I'd call him to wish him a Merry Christmas, it'd been 5 months since we'd talked.
It turned into an hour long conversation that involved him confessing his undying love for me and how he knew in his heart I was the love of his life. WOAH. Not what I expected. I do have deep down feelings for him, as we had a passionate, intense relationship (not necessarily healthy).
There are so many things that complicate the situation, and I could never imagine us together again. But I could imagine seeing him again.
I just can't quit thinking about him. He wants to see me tomorrow when I go to town. I want to see him.
I have never, ever cheated on any of my boyfriends (even in high school!) But I am aching and longing for my ex... and I don't know what's going on with me.
I know full well it's wrong. I know I should not see him, but I also don't like to deny to myself things I truly want.
Aren't we supposed to live for the moment, live each day like we're dying? (Ok, I know there's a differnece between cheating and living for the moment.. but still)
I wouldn't mind some mind blowing ex-sex, but I know that is so, so wrong to my boyfriend (who I want to MARRY!).
But there is no ring on my finger. No, that still does not make it right. I don't know if I could lie.
There is SO much going on in my head and I am just struggling. I crave intensity and emotions, and I can't even imagine how amazing it would feel to see my ex, no strings attached.
I am an awful person for even thinking and feeling this way, I love my boy so much...
WTF is wrong with me?
From what you've said, my opinion is for you to leave your boyfriend. Leave him now, accept the consequences, and figure out what it is that you want. Your other option would be to talk about these feelings that you're having with your boyfriend and explore where they are coming from. Other than that, I highly recommend against cheating. There really isn't anything to be gained from it except for guilt and heartache and for what? A few minutes of physical satisfaction which is too high a price to pay.
You're human, you're not a bad person, but you have a choice to not do harm.
"I know full well it's wrong. I know I should not see him"
That's your answer. No you're not an awful person, temptation happens to lots of people. But you need to be a mature adult about this and stay away from the ex so long as you are with this other guy. If you cheat on your current boyfriend, then suffice it to say you are not helping the relationship with someone whom you supposedly want to marry.
I say supposedly because you are very clear that you find the relationship with this guy to be "blah". That doesn't sound like marriage material at all. You have lost all passion for the relationship and you aren't even married!
Bottom line: don't cheat, you know it's wrong, and you need to re-examine your current relationship and see if it is really something you want to be in.
Wow...I don't see cheating as being ok ever. Probably because I've been cheated on and it's awful and NO ONE deserves to be disregarded in that manner.
Do your BF a favor and leave him before you do something that would emotionally hurt him. He obviously isn't truely what you want if you are having all of these thoughts and wants for someone else.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much.
I strongly believe that one doesn't cheat unless one is unhappy in his/her relationship. If you are having these feelings perhaps you need to reevaluate your current relationship and even seek counselling (by yourself or as a couple).
I don't think cheating is ever, ever justified. If you want to get back together with your ex, please do your boyfriend the courtesy of ending things with him first.
This is a classic case of head and heart clearly not seeing eye to eye. Ultimately it comes down to a choice. If you really love your guy and want to live out forever with him, you won't cheat. Temptation comes and goes in all relationships. We are only human. The big this is deciding what you want to do about this temptation. If you love your guy at all, maybe the best thing to do is to call if off with him completely. It sounds like the romance and excitement in your relationship is seriously lacking here. Not saying you should get back with your ex or anything, but there is definitely something wrong with this situation that needs addressing. Can you imagine staying married to someone for the rest of your lives without having this passion you are craving? I know I couldn't, and most wouldn't either. So there is really no shame in you having the feelings you are having. But don't be the bad guy here. Don't act on these impulse feelings while you are still in a serious relationship with your guy. Take a step back from everything and evaluate. Being cheated on is one of the most traumatic things a person can endure. Do you really want to do that to him?
Good luck!!
Loving him "so much" isn't keeping you from wanting something your relationship with him lacks. If it's important enough for you to contemplate cheating, it's important enough for your to end this relationship for.
I don't agree with cheating. I see no point. If you want sex and passion with your ex, do it while not in a relationship with someone else. Do it while single. That way the only person you can hurt is yourself. No reason to have your bf along for that ride. Cheating = not ok, IMO. If you want it THIS badly - badly enough to want to do it "on the side" - then do it. But do it outside of a relationship.
"true lovers passion" is not love. A relationship is not sustained on that heat, it's usually just initiated by it.
He's your ex for a reason. Sometimes its hard to remember those reasons.
All that said, if you don't want to be with your boyfriend, then don't be. If you want to have relations with someone else, then you need to tell your boyfriend that.
Normally I would say to stay out of a situation like this. It's only natural for relationships to become less passionate over time. That's what happens when someone goes from a possibility to a certainty. The suspense and anticipation dissipate, but they're replaced with trust, partnerhsip, compansionship. It's up to us to decide at what point and with what people we want to give up the former for the latter. I think it's generally part of growing up, just like accepting that we have to take on more responsibility in life as we get older.
That said, I do recall you having some posts previously that made me think that you are feeling really taken for granted in your relationship. Maybe this is a time to stop and really consider if the relationship you're in is the right one for you. Cheating will always feel illicit and seductive, but it should also feel very painful to be thinking of hurting someone who you care about as much as anyone in the world, including yourself. If you're not concerned about the damage you're doing to your boyfriend, then maybe you're not ready to get married to him or he's not the right person for you to make the trade of passion for partnership with.
Please don't cheat. It's the dishonesty that is so wrong about cheating. It's hard, but if you want to explore other options, tell your boyfriend. If this is someone you truly care about, he doesn't deserve this. You can live for the moment and be a person with integrity.
I don't think not being engaged has anything to do with it - you're in a relationship, regardless of the length of time or a ring, you're committed. Be honest in that relationship.
Please don't do it.
You need to leave your boyfriend before you pursue ANYTHING with your ex. If you really love your boyfriend, you wouldn't actually want to cheat on him. Maybe seeing a therapist would help you sort these feelings out. Good luck.
First of all, you are not an awful person for thinking about it. I do think that you need to figure out what is wrong in your current relationship that you are looking outside of it for sex, or whatever. It is possible that this may not be the man that you are supposed to marry. However, you may just be getting wrapped up in the thought of your ex. Flings with past relationships usually burn hard and fast. Please make sure you are ready to say good bye to your current relationship before you meet up with your ex. Because, IMHO, your relationship with your current boyfriend it pretty much over once you cheat.
@MissHelen: got to agree with MissHelen on this one. you have a choice in this..it doesnt have to be cheating.
Girl you arent married! (so funny to say that on the bee) you need to find out what is best for you - better to do it now while you are still "single" - but dont do it while sneaking around - you need to break up with BF if thats the road you want to take.
I think like some of the others said, you relationship may just be lacking and this ex is "giving" it to you. Try talking to your SO and trying new things. Tell him y'all should try it, just spice things up.
Try working on it. Going to see him will not lead to anything good, but may mess up something good you have at home.
"I know full well it's wrong. I know I should not see him, but I also don't like to deny to myself things I truly want"
if you love someone, you think more about what THEY truly want more than what YOU truly want, in my opinion. I think thats very selfish for you to think what u want matters more than what the man you say you love wants
If you want to have sex with the ex b/c the sex is more mind blowing, then you might want to rethink your current boyfriend since you'll be having sex with him for the rest of your life once you marry him ...
Take a step back... and breathe.
It doesn't make you a terrible person to have feelings. Honestly, just a little while ago, I was having intense dreams about my ex's. And it got me pretty confused for a couple of nights alone. My FI and I have good chemistry, but we have never matched the intensity of this one fling I had (with a bad boy that strung me along for years). I had broken up with two previous guys over this guy. And was nervous that those thoughts were creeping up again.
My suggestion is to get yourself out of the house. Spend time with some girlfriends, and cool off your intense feelings. It sounds like your head knows this other guy is bad for you, but another part of you is craving that passion. Really take some time to think about your future. Doesn't sound like you have a future with this bad boy, but you need to figure out if you have a long lasting, commitment relationship with your bf. This could seriously just be hormones (especially if your an impulsive person) or a part of a larger issue.
You're talking about having sex with your ex with no strings attached, but you know that's not true. There WILL be strings attached as he just professed his undying love to you in an earlier conversation. So while it might not be emotional for you, it is for him. You'll then be hurting your boyfriend and your ex, and you'll end up with nothing.
If you aren't happy in your current relationship, you need to re-evaluate it and see what it is that's broken there. If it's only sex, then that can certainly be worked on. Please don't cheat on your boyfriend. Think of this if the roles were reversed. How hurt would you be if he had mind blowing sex with his ex b/c sex with you was too boring?
If you sleep with your ex you will only feel good for about 5 mins and for whatever time you spend flirting beforehand.
You will feel like crap and the guilt will eat you up afterwards, especially since you can be honest that this ex is no guy you'd ever be able to have a healty relationship with in the future.
We all feel temptation at one time or another, but the test of character is how we deal with that temptation.
If you really just want to sleep with your ex (or anyone else), than you need to leave your current BF because you are not of strong enough character to enter into a marriage with someone who is not worth subsiding temptation for and weathering the ups and downs of life with.
I have to say-we are all human, BUT it sounds to me like something is missing in your relationship Right Now! And you should figure it out. It's probably not just amazing sex-but something that is bothering you about your relationship -and is making you want the something/someone else/sex at the moment. Once you figure what it is that is bothering you or lacking in your present relationship you can deal with the feelings of wanting to be with your ex. Take care of whatever that is, and I'm guessing the other feelings will diminish. Best Wishes.
"We all feel temptation at one time or another, but the test of character is how we deal with that temptation."
exactly. well said. if we all gave into temptation no one would be faithful- and that would be a very sad thing. you're relationship should be WORTH resisting the urge. you are not in love, if it isnt worth it.
it seems like you are not really even ready to be in a commited relationship. If you really believe that you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want- then DO it, but do it as a single woman. That is nto the way you treat you're partner in a relationship
Temptation is normal, but cheating is not. The bees have offered great advice already on here and I agree with all of it... just take a step back and try to think clearly. You know that seeing your ex is wrong and it will REALLY hurt your boyfriend, it's not right to knowingly hurt someone.
You mentioned that your past with the ex hasn't been healthy -- I would say it'd be best not to even go down this road. You already opened up a can of worms with the phone call so tell the ex your in love with someone else and you can't see him. It's just the right thing to do. You'll kick yourself later if you cheat on someone you truly love.
Just a fair warning the grass is not always greener on the other side. In the end the decision is yours to make, look at all the pros and cons of cheating, is it really worth it?
Either 1) break up with your boyfriend and go do whatever you want with your ex, or 2) make a choice to stay with your boyfriend, commit to working on that relationship, and STOP communicating with your ex completely. Forever.
What it sounds like from your post is that you want to get out of your relationship with your bf, but you're afraid to. Just think about what you really want, and try to sort things out NOW--before you're married and it's much more complicated to end things.
Apologies to the previous posters, as I have not read throught the comments yet, and do not want to steal what anyone else has said, but here's perhaps some unconventional thinking here:
Just stop yourself for a second. If you know it is wrong, then why do it? What would make it not wrong? Are you willing to lose your kind, caring, albeit 'plain' boyfriend for the passion you had in an unhealthy relationship?
You really need to weigh the pros and cons of this one. Your ex is your ex because the relationship was unhealthy. When it comes to engagement/marriage, you want somebody you respect and trust and who treats with those things too. You need to decide if you're providing your current boyfriend with those things. And, perhaps, passion is HUGE for you! If so, you need to break-up. Don't drag it out any longer.
Lastly, this might sound strange, but some women DO think a lot about other men marriage presents itself. We might think about the ex, or the guy who got away, etc. It's just because you're choosing one man for the rest of your life and you compare him to all other men out there. You either need to say, 'no, I am not ready to settle for one man' or 'yes, my guy is great and I will love him.'
Check out 'The Conscious Bride' and related websites. She talks in depth about dreaming aboout and talking to exes.
Good luck. Be smart.
You can either let this be a test and say NO to seeing an ex. You should think about your partner more. Would he ever do such a thing to you and if he did how would you feel. Would you risk his trust in you. Because I can tell trust takes a long time to rebuild.
Honestly, it sounds strange that you mentioned you guys are perfect for each other, yet you find him plain and boring. There has to be something that attracts you to the man besides feeling like he's a safe pick for a husband. Otherwise, I don't you should be getting married to a man you find to be plain and boring.
I know you're struggling a lot right now, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. I don't think you are ready for marriage if you are having these feelings, even if you don't act on them. You need to decide whether something is fundamentally lacking with your bf and whether its something you can fix. But either way, I would NOT be working towards an engagement right now with your BF. There is clearly a lot that needs to be fixed before you are ready to take that step.
That being said, if you want to see your ex, break up with your boyfriend. Put yourself in that situation, how would you feel if he was having those feelings towards another girl while thinking about marrying YOU? To me, there can be no such thing as you love your boy so much, and you want to go have an affair with your ex. Those are 2 mutually exclusive thoughts. You can have 1 but not both. I don't think you are an awful person, but I do think you might not love your boyfriend in the type of way a person should love the person they want to marry.
Thank you all. Lots of good comments and things to consider.
@AngelS: I don't think I used the right words. I am a very emotional, passionate person and he certainly is not. However, we have huge common interests that I think would make for a great future (photography, cooking, outdoors, our dogs). Our personalities also just go well together in general and we get along great.
I do think something is lacking in my relationship, and it's passion/intensity on his part. I'm not asking for it to be like the first couple of months, but seriously it's GONE. We've had sit down conversations and I just don't really think he understands what I want/need. He has become A LOT more affectionate in the past couple of months after a conversation we had, but the emotional satisfaction is still not quite there. I just don't want to ruin and leave a good thing for something that small. He is incredible in every other way.
I can't bring myself to have this sit down talk with him days before Christmas. That's just not good timing at all. What do I do? Push all of these feelings inside, bear and grin the holidays and wait til after?
I've decided I will not see my ex. I can't hurt bf like that. You're right it's selfish.
@Entangled: "That's what happens when someone goes from a possibility to a certainty. The suspense and anticipation dissipate, but they're replaced with trust, partnerhsip, compansionship." THIS IS SO TRUE. That's where we're at, completely. We are secure and safe. But I am having a really hard time accepting this I guess. Am I not ready to settle down?
If you think a ring on your finger will stop you from cheating you're dead wrong. It may do exactly the opposite.
Leave your b/f, you wouldn;t be having these thoughts if you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.
@nowifey: You are throwing a tantrum right now. You only want your ex because you know you can't have anything real or lasting with him and he only wants you because you are happy with someone else. If you want to leave your man, that's fine but do yourself a favor and let sleeping dogs lie. You broke up with him for a reason or did you forget that hot pants;0) This is a classic case of if you don't do what I want, when I want it, I will take my toys and go. Take a cold shower and think this thing through.
This remind anyone else of this Taylor swift song. That being said though, cheating is never ok. It's the kind of thing that a person will always regret doing to someone they cared about, and that their SO will always remember as the worst breach of trust. If you really think that you need more "spark" in a relationship and that you'll only find that with someone else, then do things in the right order and end your relationship first. I agree with PPs though, there's probably a reason this ex is an EX!
@kiddosc: It actually reminded me of the plot of Lionel Shriver's Post-Birthday World.
OP, these feelings are normal. But dwelling on them isn't healthy if you're choosing to stay in a realationship. And you ARE still choosing to be in a relationship, even while you sit there and pine for someone else, by virtue of the fact that you're not breaking it off with SO.
My advice would be to get away for a few days. Go to your parents', go to a hotel, go camping. Don't bring your boyfriend, and definitely don't bring your ex! Just retreat, relax, and use the quiet to try and hear what your heart is REALLY telling you absent the influence of your mind's desire for security and your libido's desire for, well, ... something else.
Dear god PLEASE do not act on this. Sounds to me like you're afraid of commitment. If you still feel this way in a week do something about it. Just sit on it awhile. I bet it'll go away.
Leave your boyfriend. Not just leave, RUN. You are wasting your time. "Perfect for eachother" doesn't have a "but I want to sleep with my ex" exception. You want to spend your life with your plain jane? It doesn't sound like it. If you are seriously considering cheating, this is not the man for you. That being said, if you decided to stay with your boyfriend and you cheat, you will probably cheat again. And again. And again. Everytime you feel a lack of passion, you will cheat. For both of your sakes, call it quits!
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