Thinking about cutting them OFF…FOR GOOD.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

It sounds like your parents are pretty controling and manipulative. It also sounds like your mother is afraid to stand up to your dad. It sounds like your Dad kind of wants to protect you and help you but has no clue how to relate to you without ordering you around and shouting at you. 

I would try to keep an emotional distance from them for a while, and go to therapy on your own. Maybe your university offers this as part of the student health services. 

I would also NOT tell them anything about your private life and boyfriend. I think ignorance is bliss as far as they are concerned. If they don’t know about anything, they won’t have to be overbearing and protective and crazy. I’d maintain this at least until you can be financially independent. 

Post # 4
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@southernbelle381:  Your parents are obviously control freaks.

You said you were a senior. Do you graduate in May?

If you cut off contact with them now,can you support yourself? If not, I suggest you maintain only enough contact to keep getting their support until you graduate.

After you are self sustaining, it will be easier for you to decide if you need or want  to keep them in your life.

Most student health departments offer some sort of free counselling. Can you avail yourself of any of those services?

 

Post # 5
Member
3433 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

You may not like this answer, but if you’re still relying on them for things like your car, your cell phone, etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re an adult yet.  You may be over 18, but while they’re still providing for you, you can’t really “cut them off.”

That doesn’t make their behavior ok, and it certanly doesn’t excuse it, but you don’t really have a lot of options about it until you can support yourself.  Have you talked about this with your therapist? Are you taking actions to make yourself more independant from them financially? 

Post # 6
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

@southernbelle381:  I’m around your age and recently graduated college, so I can kind of relate to where you are in life. To be completely totally honest, yeah they sound controlling, but they don’t sound THAT bad. This doesn’t sound abusive/damaging/a reason to cut them off totally to me. Over the top, for sure. Do you rely on them, financially or otherwise, for anything at all? If you do, they sort of have a point that they can “drop” you…as unkind as how your dad said that was, it’s pretty true. My parents paid for everything in college. I was reminded a few times as a younger student that it’s a privilege to be supported by them, not a right. It’s definitely not “unrealistic” for them to “drop” you if they don’t agree with your decisions. How many times have people talked on WB about money coming with strings? Given that, I don’t even know if you do rely on their financial support, so you can ignore that if you’re self sufficient 🙂

As far as visiting your boyfriend, yeah that’s kind of annoying. You’re an adult; you can go see your boyfriend if you want. Did you tell them you were going or talk to them during that time? They may have just been worried if they couldn’t get ahold of you! As far as the yelling and being invasive in your relationships, it’s not cool. My dad liked to try to be involved in my school/grades/relationships. It was his way of being protective. As time went on, he realized I can make my own decisions and mistakes and, even though he wanted to protect me from bad people/disappiontment/failure, it was up to me. Also, as you stated, not everyone’s a good teacher and some people get very frustrated. I wouldn’t exactly call it “vicious.” Uncalled for and definitely not the right way to teach someone something, but I wouldn’t quite go for “vicious.” The money thing…you have a point. It’s definitely YOUR money, especially if you were 18+. They were probably trying to help set you up financially while they still had the opportunity to help out. 

I’m definitely NOT excusing your parents behavior, because if things are really the way you say, they’re being invasive and irrational. I didn’t grow up in your house, so definitely take everything I say with a large grain of salt. I certainly wouldn’t want to have been yelled at or had my relationships not treated with respect. All I will say is that I learned a lot about seeing things from my parents’ point of view when I went away to school and lived on my own, and sometimes it’s worth taking a second look at your perceptions of things. You may find that you could slightly overreact to things that aren’t really grounds to cut your parents off forever. Just something to think about!

Post # 7
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@CarolinaPeach13:  +1000

Your parents sound controlling and annoying. Your dad sounds like he yells to much. Which sucks. But it doesn’t really sound that terible. If they’re threatening to take away your car, I assume they gave it to you in the first place? Pretty generous. 

If you want them to have less control over your life you simply need to become more independent. For most people that means being able to stand on your own feet financially. I think that will be your best path to a healthier relationship. Because when you’re independent, you have the freedom to only share the parts of your life that you choose. Make the relationship thoughtful. Be clear about your expectations and don’t tolerate things like your dad yelling – just  leave. But I wouldn’t cut them out of your life entirely. That seems a bit extreme at this point. I’d work on independence and boundaries first.

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