- 3 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
Hey there everyone – regular gone-anon bee here. Worst. week. ever.
I have been engaged to my FI for almost a year. We are supposed to be getting married this summer. In the past year we have faced several big issues as a couple and made it through. Firstly, we were doing long distance. This is a challenge for a lot of people. We did pretty well, but I would later move (keep reading!). Second was we were unemployed. He was until last summer and I was until the following September. But we are both employed now and although we are both miserable at work, we have money to pay bills. We do not live together, however. I do think that the hard times at work may have something to do with our current issue.
Third was a pornography addiction. FI had not been in a serious relationship for several years before we met and had developed this as a habit. His addiction had led to him getting on dating websites/Craigslist to chat with other women, even exchanging phone numbers, etc. I caught him doing this and we went to counseling. He admitted that he was headed towards an affair, but that he was in love with me and wanted to work it out. (Just for the record, we are Christians – I understand that porn is not a big deal for some, but for us it was a huge issue. And any addiction can ruin a relationship). For awhile, things were great – back to normal. I moved to a town just outside of his (would have moved to his town if the rent wasn’t so high) and we started seeing each other much more regularly. We started going to church and bible study together, made some couple friends, and started going to the gym together. Everything has been going pretty well except for the aforementioned fact that we both hate our jobs. He works 12 hours a day, 6 days, then off 3. He is also part-time military. I have a menial office job even though I have a degree. He makes pretty good money and I’m struggling. He has been helping me with a bill or two every once in awhile.
We both agree that the work/money situation has been making our relationship suffer, especially with trying to plan the wedding and continue going to church together. I have mostly been going to church by myself and he hasn’t gone in the past couple months except for Christmas.
Soooo, a couple months ago, I found emails on his phone from a dating website. Remember, we have been through this before and he had been “clean” for awhile. Per our counselor, I was to check up on him periodically and we were to be completely transparent, telling each other about anything possibly suspect that may come up. I confronted him about it – he said it was an old account, that I was jumping to conclusions and that he would take care of it. I let it go.
I pretty much stopped checking up on him. And then last week I found out he had a new account on the same website – same name from the email a few months ago. Which means (to me) that he had to have lied the last time I had asked him about it. It was his picture, his information. I mean, it was HIM. I immediately contacted him about it with screen shots of the site, asking what was going on. He said it wasn’t him. The pictures were him, but he didn’t make the profile… then he didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night and part of the next day.
Bees – I’m pretty sure he’s lying. There are lot more details and I’m trying to keep this short(ish). Please ask me questions if you want more details.
So after the horrible week (which included him having an endoscopy, drama with an ex-bf/stalker, and just regular work woes), we went out of town this weekend for a trip that was planned before all this happened. We had a good time for the most part. We had one thing come up (another story) but otherwise, we had a great time. He was on his phone a lot, texting and I knew that was weird. But y’all, I’m so paranoid that something will happen that I could have been blowing it out of proportion…right? Then Sunday rolled around.
We were sitting in the car and I was asking about what he had done at work and he just seemed like something was wrong. He was being really short with me and yes, I’m sure part of it was that he was tired, but I guess I kinda pushed the issue. And he told me he’s having doubts. He didn’t explain. He said he may never explain. I told him I had doubts before, when he was on those sites. That I believed in him, though, and knew that he was not that person. That I believed in our relationship and the fact that we have overcome everything we’ve been through. That he was the one telling me everything was going to be ok and now he’s telling me he doesn’t know. And I couldn’t make him believe that everything was going to be fine….
Bees. I know this is long. And not detailed. So much has happened and there are so many factors at play here. Right now, I’m just giving him space. Mostly for me, to be honest, but I also think he needs time to figure out what he really wants. But I don’t want to keep spending this money on our wedding if things aren’t going to work out. I’m just so tired.
I know a lot of this probably has to do with the stress of his job, the hours, the being tired all the time, the money problems, the pressure of the wedding, etc. and that he may not realize that those things are rapidly changing. The circumstances are killing us. But part of me is also worried that there may be someone else – the text messages, the dating site, etc. and that he’s back to old habits. Which I’m not denying is possible. We both admitted Sunday that we love each other and that neither one of us would still be in this relationship if we thought it was doomed. That gives me hope. But the emotional, dramatic parts inside of me keep telling me we are kidding ourselves.
So there it is. Feel free to ask questions, but mostly, thanks for listening. I’m really emotionally pent up and wiped out at the same time.
Thanks for reading.