Thinking about leaving FI (and he's thinking about leaving me)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You guys need to split up. It shouldn’t be this difficult. A man who looks up dating sites and sets up profiles before the two of you are even married does not have his heart in this the way that he should. I know you stated that the two of you worked through those issues, but in my opinion, that’s an issue that shouldn’t come up at all when two people are dating and falling in love and talking about marriage. I am sure you will find the right one for you. It’s good that you’ve found a church. Break up, give yourself some time, and check out their singles group.

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe you both need, or you need to go back to the counselor for a tuneup.  Sounds like a lot of things are piling up, sometimes it’s good to just dump it on someone and then you can work thru it.  I wouldn’t leave him, things are not easy, things are hard. Some people experience bubbles and butterflies all the way to the aisle and then get the rug YANKED from under them.  You have some issues, real life grown up issues and talking about them to a professional could help.  This is the man you’re supposed to marry, not some boy you’re taking to prom. 

Post # 5
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

The ultimate question is this: Do you trust him? A relationship cannot last without trust. It’s all trust or no trust. There can be all the love in the world, but without trust, a relationship will not last. So I ask you again…Do you trust him?

Post # 7
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

if I understand correctly, he has not owned up to this latest dating profile? You cannot resolve that issue if he is not being honest. If I were you, I’d put wedding planning on hold, and either end it or get back to counselling. But nothing can be worked on or worked out until he is honest.

Post # 8
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@whywhywhyme:  He is disrespectful to you. He is headed toward cheating. He lies. I’d take a break to think about whether it’s worth this much pain for you to be with him. I know it wouldn’t be worth it for me.

Post # 10
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@whywhywhyme:  you say you believe “in” him, but why exactly dont you believe all of what he is actually showing you about who he already actually is? i agree it should not be THIS hard. i know you have been through so much together and it would be devastating to let go, but you now have years of solid evidence that he is not a capable partner. why would you want to gamble on your future with someone who may or may not ever be what you want to believe he COULD maybe be? have you done any individual counseling to help you learn more about yourself, what you want and how to make the right choices in life to make sure you get it?

Post # 11
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You can love a person but not BE IN LOVE with a person. They are two different things.
Just because you love him now (or feel like you so) doesn’t mean you need to stay with him.
If he keeps this behaviour up, can you still love him 10 years from now?

I mean, he admitted that he was heading toward cheating on you and stopped, but then got back on it again when he felt you weren’t looking.
Now it seems like he’s upset that he can’t get away with it while you know.

That’s not a man worth marrying – that’s teenager mentality.

I think your best bet is to break up and move on… no one wants to “check up” on their partner to make sure they’re behaving like an adult (and ps – I think it’s weird that your therapist recommended that… it’s not an OK way to conduct a relationship AT ALL)

You are telling yourself that you’re kidding yourself because you can’t keep it up if he’s not putting in the effort – which he isn’t.

Stop kidding yourself and start respecting yourself… and while you’re at it, find someone who respects you in return. This man obviously doesn’t.

Post # 12
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@whywhywhyme:  It really doesn’t matter what is the so-called cause of his behavior. What matters is that his method of coping is to betray you and your relationship by again joining dating websites and who knows what else.

Is this really how you want to live your life with this man?

I full support counselling, but be mentally and emotionally prepared for the fact that he is already disconnecting from the relationship.

Post # 13
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re holding onto the someone you WANT him to be…not who he actually is.  You really can’t change someone like that…he is deliberately lying to you and telling you without telling you…if you know what I mean.

You need to end this before it gets worse…whose to say he hasn’t met up with strange women already? That is so risky to your and his health. 

If this was me, I’d be out.

So sorry.

Post # 14
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Dating websites?! Still won’t fess up?? Why would you want to be with someone who does this!!?? This guy is a pathological liar. He will never change. You should leave.

Post # 15
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

@whywhywhyme:  First of all, I’m so sorry youre going through this. I can only imagine how stressed and exhausted you must feel…..first and foremost, my advice would be to take care of yourself and do some self reflection. I know this may sound lame, but I would suggest making yourself a nice bubble bath, light some candles, and bring a journal into the tub…and just write your heart out, everything youre feeling. And next time youre feeling confused, take out the journal and read your old entry…I’ve personally found looking back on thoughts like that tends to give me a clear answer.

 

If you want my honest answer, I would say it’s time to end the relationship. I know this is easier said than done and it would break your heart to do so, but I think it’s obvious that he is not ready for this chapter in your relationship—the porn, the dating site…both of these things are ESCAPES. Porn is a fantasy land and the dating site is a place where he is re-inventing himself and living an alternate life…your relationship and upcoming wedding is somehow making him feel like he has to run away and he takes solace in these escapes. Do you want to have doubts in your gut on your wedding day? Do you want to walk down the aisle towards him wondering if this was the right thing to do?

If you cant bring yourself to end the relationship, please at least postpone your wedding. The financial and legal and emotional strain of a wedding and divorce will hurt you in the long run more than just breaking up with your fiance, or waiting longer to get married.

Post # 16
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@whywhywhyme:  I think if youre both having doubts you should end this. Theres a 99% chance he is lying to you. If it isnt his dating profile, why isn’t he concerned someone is using his pictures? Any normal person would be freaked out by this.

It doesn’t sound like he has an addiction to porn.. you don’t need a dating website to look at porn. It sounds like he has an addiction to cheating on and disresepcting you.

You’ve been way too understanding of his issues, especially since he isn’t being honest and doesn’t seem to actually be doing anything about them but continuing on and making things worse.

He has doubts about YOU? The woman who has stood by his side despite the porn (which i don’t think is a big deal), LYING, and texting/emailing/messaging with other women? Yeah, I would have been gone a long time ago.

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