Post # 1
And not “the end” as in divorce. I mean how a happy marriage ends, in death.
Morbid, right? Has anybody else thought about this?
Lately I’ve been thinking about it and it’s really upsetting me. My parents and grandparents are getting older, they’re all still married but it’s becoming clearer that one partner in most of the marriages is going to outlive the other… my mom is in a lot worse shape than my dad for instance. Usually when I think of couples like my grandparents I think “I hope FI and I will be like them someday,” but the reality is we WILL be exactly like them, in that one of us is going to go first. And the other will be left behind.
I started imagining what that will be like. Would I want to go first? Or would I want to outlive my husband? On the one hand I don’t know if I could take being a widow. I would miss him so, so much. But if I died first, it would be my husband who was grieving and the thought of him being in pain and me not able to comfort him is almost too much to bear.
The fact is, unless we both die at the same time in a ball of fire or something, we are going to be separated. I don’t want to sound like one of those women whose lives are all wrapped up in their husbands (I have hobbies I swear) and I believe in God and I don’t believe death is really the end. We always say “I’ll love you forever,” and I just wish we really had forever. Someday I’m going to have to say good-bye to this wonderful man and it’ll break my heart to do it. I’m actually on the brink of tears right now thinking about it!
Post # 3
This has crossed my mind briefly recently as well, mostly because my grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, leaving my grandma behind just a few weeks shy of their 61st anniverary. While she is handling it better then I would have ever imagined, its still heartbreaking. I think the sadest part was when he first found out he was sick. He said that if it was his time to go, that was OK because he’d lived a great life. However, he said that he was disappointed because my grandma had always taken such great care of him, and that he wanted to be there to take care of her as she got older 🙁
I can’t think about it too much, or it makes me sad also 🙁
Post # 4
I think about this all the time. DH is also 8 years older than me, and therefore I know unless something happens he’ll be going first. I can’t imagine life without him. My grandmother went before my grandfather, but he died of a broken heart less than a year later.
Post # 5
I think about it a lot more than I’d like to. FH was born with a heart problem and was only expected to live for a few days, if he survived the first night. Miraculously, he lived and his heart problem seemed to just disappear. Despite the fact that he’s healthy now I can’t help but wonder what if the problem isn’t really gone? His heart could give out on him and he could die.
The thought scares me, but there are so many people in mine and FH’s family have lost their loved ones, my father’s father passed away when my father was 13 leaving my grandmother a widow, FMIL’s father passed away when she was 10, leaving her mother a widow, my father passed away after 9 years of marriage leaving my mother a widow. My maternal grandparents are still alive and together. I think it’s scarier for me because most of the widows in my family have been fairly young…
Post # 6
This TOPIC was so on my mind today. FI is 11 years older than me and went under the knife today for knee surgery. And it was his first surgery ever. So we were both worried about the anesthia, et.c And I was so scared that something woudl happen and I would lose him. I didn’t sleep at all last night.
It is the biggest fear of mine that I won’t have him anymore. Since I just found him and I can’t imagine life with out him. I think it is a natural fear to not want to live your life with our the love of your life and this is hard to imagine. But I am just trying to push those thougts to the back of my head and keep living life to the fullest.
Post # 7
What a perfect bedtime post for me. I am obsessed with death as it is and I always think about who’s going first. I would want to die if my husband died first. But then, if I went he would be lonely and sad (at least that’s what I tell myself:) but I believe that once you’re dead, there’s nothing else-I’m not going to be floating around on a cloud with my husband and other loved ones for eternity. I’m going to love him as if each day could be our last and try not to dwell on the morbid. Denial can be a good thing:)
Post # 8
I have such a happy life with my family that I think about “the other shoe falling” sometimes. Now that we have a little one, I often think about how awful it would be to lose a child too.
I hate thinking about such things, but can’t help it sometimes. All the time we have with loved ones is so precious!
Post # 9
Oh dear God, don’t bring a child into this! If anything happened to one of my boys, I would have to locked up and sedated forever. I don’t think I could draw another breath. I know, dramatic much? But you are right, every minute is precious. Okay, time for a Xanax. Lol
Post # 10
@Mrs. DG: I have the same feeling too sometimes… that whole “other shoe” thing. Everything just seems too perfect… like I can’t be this happy forever. My FI and I are the same age but his dad has MS. He doesn’t have it and honestly I don’t know that much about it (I kind of refuse to learn because I don’t want to scare myself with the maybes)… but every time he’s ill thats always the first thing on my mind. I just do my best to ignore the issue… no point in worrying about something I can’t change.
Post # 11
I know exactly what you mean! I actually think about death a little too often. I could not imagine life without DH but also I can not stand to think of him having to live life without me (might sound a little conceeded but you know what i mean).
speaking of death…since I can remember I have always had this feeling that I would die young and I kinda just came to terms with it. Since meeting the love of my life I still feel that I will but I really, more than anyhting, nope not. so who is morbid now? LOL
@TealaB: yeah I totally cried reading your post…
@PutABirdOnIt:xanax sounds pretty good about now
Post # 12
@firsttimemom: I was talking to my mom about this tonight and she told me about how in nursing school she learned about how women adjust better to the loss of a spouse than men… supposedly women have stronger support networks and are better at keeping themselves engaged with the world, while husbands are more likely to shut down, feel very lonely and depressed, and follow their wives into the grave a lot quicker.
I never used to understand people who wanted their spouses to remarry after they died, but looking at it from this perspective, I can’t stand the thought of FI facing all the challenges of aging without a partner. I would want him to get married again just so that someone would be there to protect him and help him. If I’m not there to do it, I want somebody else to be there for him.
Post # 13
OMG, I was just sitting in the bath listening to music, relaxing and ‘Remember When’ by Alan Jackson came on. I was bauling my eyes out listening to it. Definitely got me thinking about DH and me when we are old and thinking back about all the good things we have gone through. I think once your are old you start to embrace it and know that it will happen so then you can be somewhat prepared. I honestly don’t even want to think about it though. I just want to enjoy every minute I get with DH.
Post # 14
I actually saw a double obituary in the newspaper the other day where the wife had passed away and her husband followed six days later after over 65 years of marriage. First I thought how terrible that would be for their kids to lose both parents in a week, but then was thinking it was kind of… romantic?
Between me and DH, he’s 5 years older than me, and has a risky job, so all “logic” points to me being the more likely widow, and that’s not even something I’d want to think about…
Post # 15
I think about this as well. Both of my grandmothers lost their husbands very unexpectedly when they were in their 40s. They are in their 70s now. One of them still cries every time she talks about her husband (the other is just not a very emotional person).
Who goes into their marriage thinking that they will spend more years in their life WITHOUT their husband than with him? It is heartbreaking to me.
Sometimes I think that I think about death a little too often, maybe I’m just particularly morbid. I try not to dwell on it, though!
Post # 16
Ugh, I too think about this a lot. FI has Rheumatoid Arthritis and is 9 years older than I so I’m sure he’ll go before me and just the though makes me so so so sad. But then I try to remind myself that it’s a long time from now and we have thousands of days together. That helps.