(Closed) Thinking of asking for a mutual agreement to never marry

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@sunflower7:  he knows pre-nups exist right? I think that you too will have to be able to have these conversations. Even if it ends with we’ll be together and never married.

Take some time and then talk to him again about your future. tell him you want to figure it out together, not push him in any direction. Hopefully he’ll be receptive.

In my experience, my SO really responded to me formally modeling our relationship. it made the whole thing purely logical (and i guess nerdy).

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

If marriage is something that is important to you and this man doesn’t want to marry you, then yes, I would say it might be time to move on. Five years throughout your early twenties is a LONG time to be with someone, especially when they aren’t on the same page you are. It sounds like you feel there’s been a lot of sacrifice on your part and he’s not meeting you even halfway regarding what you want for the future. Avoiding serious conversations is a huge hallmark of someone who is not very mature – I suggest trying one more time, maybe write him a letter outlining how you feel and what you want for the future.

If he doesn’t feel the same then yes, I urge you to end it. You are so young and have so much time to figure things out and settle down with the RIGHT person – aka, someone who shares your goals and wishes for the future.

Post # 5
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@sunflower7:  If one person in the relationship wants marriage, and the other person in the relationship is against marriage, you two are inherently incompatible.  Unless one of you changes your mind (without the influence of the other), you will just end up resenting each other. 

Post # 6
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I am very sorry that you have been put into a situation like this. I know you love and care for him, and the grief you are experiencing right now is very real and very painful.

An inability to have a serious conversation is a serious problem – and this is something that probably needed to be addressed when you first moved in with him. It’s not uncommon for men and women alike to move in with one another, thinking it’s a step toward one goal when a partner thinks it’s just “shacking up.” I have been living with my fiance for two years, but had many talks with him beforehand about where we were going with it. However, you were happy with this man and probably had little reason to think that his explanation would be, “I don’t want to lose half of my stuff.”

I wish I could tell you, “I think it’s going to work out fine,” but I think I would be doing you a major disservice, sunflower. I’m going to guess he’s seen a lot of divorce in his family, among his friends, and probably heard a lot of griping from divorced men. Or maybe he’s just spending his time on sites where men believe that “all women” are just money-grabbers waiting for the divorce. In any case, these are hard beliefs to dissuade – especially when you have been a shining example of the opposite for 5 years. If he can’t see your character now, and if you’ve already told him you would sign a prenup, I don’t see much hope for this relationship.

I DO see a lot of distrust going forward as that mentality spreads to other things – i.e., I wouldn’t be shocked if he eventually concludes that you are cheating on him, you’re spending money on things he feels you shouldn’t and so forth. He’s already showing insecurity, and a self-destructive path wouldn’t loom far behind – driving you out of the relationship would in effect solve the insecurity. He’d no longer have to worry about you taking everything he has!

Think on this a few days, sunflower. You know him better than anyone. Do you think going for premarital counseling with him would be a good idea? Maybe a professional can dissuade him from these myths. But this can also take a good, long while – how many more years of your life are you prepared, or willing to invest, if he doesn’t want to marry you?

 

Post # 7
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

“I don’t want to lose everything I own.”

Translation: I like having you around, having sex with you, and living with you (not to mention splitting living expenses with you), but at some point this might end, and when it does I don’t want to suffer financially. Sounds like he needs a roommate.

Sorry OP, that would break my heart.

Post # 9
Member
11353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think @MissCalifornia: and @housebee:  have given you some excellent advice.

Although, for a number of reasons, I personally am opposed to the idea of living together (or even having sex) outside of a marriage relationship, for the majority of bees who are in favor of it, I would strongly  encourage that the individuals involved have a very open discussion from the very beginning about where they desire to see a relationship headed before one person ends up feeling as if he or she has invested so much in a relationship that simply cannot move forward along the path that he or she hoped or expected that it would.

I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this frustrating situation, and, if marriage is important to you, I hope you are able to walk away from this relationship, as painful as that may be, so that you will be in a position to someday meet someone else who more closely shares your hopes for the future.

Post # 12
Member
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If marriage is important to you and he’s not interested in it at all, you should break up with him.  Because at this point, he’s wasting your time.  He should have been straight with you as soon as you started getting serious that he’s afraid of marriage.  

Post # 16
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@sunflower7:  I was going to say (and not to man-bash or anything) that most men don’t come up with these things on their own.  DH mentioned a pre-nup to me b/c he had the same fears…doesn’t help that all the divorced men he knows were “screwed over” by ex-wives. And of course all these divorced men were the perfect husbands!

In the end, he dropped it b/c he realized that a pre-nup would protect him of his assets acquired before marriage but not during…since we are in a community property state. 

However, your SO isn’t asking that but flat out telling you NO to marriage….and that is a horrible thing. Every big committment/step in life has a potential to backfire (including marriage) and you have to take that leap of faith if it’s something you really want.  

I feel for you…I honestly think I’d have to leave if my SO was saying those things to me.

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