Post # 1
ok bee’s…. this is going to be long but I really need some advice and I don’t know where else to turn.
I have been with my Fiance for 3 and a half years and we have been engaged for 1 year and 3 months. We are supposed to get married in a little less than 2 months.
Our relationship started off good but after about 6 months started to get rocky. My Fiance was about to graduate and didn’t have a job and was very stressed and I think he was suffereing from depression. We fought frequently but I stayed with him becuase I loved him. After a month or two he got a job and started being much better. Things were great until about 2 months ago. He isn’t happy with his job, but with the economy so bad right now there aren’t any other ones avaliable. He has become a miserable person to be around and I really don’t know if I can live my life like this.
A few minutes ago we had a huge fight over the phone (we currently live 250 miles apart) and he said a lot of hurtful things and said we needed to end our engagement. This isnt the first time we have had this conversation. He gets better for a week or two and then one random day will be in a horrible mood and start a fight over nothing. He calls me stupid and immature and tonight he told me that I would make a horrible mother. Being a mother is one of the things I look forward to the most for the future and this was very hurtful for him to say to me. He hates the Holidays…they are my favorite time of year. He can’t stand my mother. I could go on and on.
Of course now I’m saying only the bad things and not the good, but at this point, is there enough good left to out weigh the bad? I have asked him to go talk to someone about his outlook on life but he refuses. I just feel like there isn’t much left for me to do but to leave.
I am only 22. I am graduation college in one week. But what now? I had everything planned… he already has a house… I was already looking for jobs… I am just so lost and sad.
I really do love him, but he is making me a sad person and I used to be extremely happy.
I’m so ashamed to tell anyone. I know its childish and immature but this is going to be hard. I have already had 2 showers and recieved a lot of gifts… do I send them back? what do I tell anyone?
I know everything seems horrible now, but I think I need to do this. I don’t want to live a miserable life. I’m just lost as to what to do. If you have any advice…. please let me know. Thank you for reading I know it was really long!
Post # 3
Leaving him would not mean you don’t love him, it would only mean you love yourself more.
If he is sucking the joy out of your life, defend your right to be happy. You’re young – there are a lot of guys out there. You might find one who doesn’t drain you or make you sad EVER, let alone frequently. If you and he are meant to be together, breaking it off may be the reality check he needs to get his ass in gear, and you’ll find your way back to eachother.
Post # 4
@rachel3212: It sounds like you are pretty set on what you want to do. I have never been in your situation, but I identify a lot with the aspect about being ashamed of telling anyone. (I made the decision to drop out of a PhD program). All I can tell you is, nobody’s happiness is going to be affected by this decision except your own. Might people gossip a little? Yes but that will happen no matter how you live your life. People love to judge other people’s relationships. Honestly, people will think about this for five minutes and then they will go back to thinking about whatever is happening in their lives. you have to do what makes YOU happy. I am not answering your question about whether the good outweighs the bad bc only you can make that decision, but if you have made your decision and only the opinion of others is holding you back, you need to not let that stop you.
Post # 5
first of all *HUGS*
Don’t be with someone who doesnt allow you to be you. I dont think I can say anything better than the poster above me said.. But I do hope YOU find your happiness
Post # 6
@mandypop: Great advice.
OP, you are very young and just because you may not be ready to commit your life to this person does not mean that you don’t love him. Also, you feelings of embarassment and fear are completely normal. But I think you already know that, normal as they may be, they are not a reason to marry a person when you are having second thoughts. It sounds like you know what you need to do.
Post # 7
I think what you need to do is try to separate yourself from the whole drama of calling off a wedding and just figure out if you want to be married to this person forever.it’s takes a lot of guts to call off a wedding, a lot people do get carried away with the wedding and go through with it even when they shouldn’t because they don’t know how to go back (hello, Kim K).
Post # 8
I definitely think counseling is the way to go. That is if you are still considering being with him. You can let all of the issues and concerns out on the line and deal with them together. But i do not think going in to a marriage unhappy is the way to go. Yeah thinkgs are not always this bad and they can get better, but what if they don’t. Talk to your Fiance suggest counseling and if you two want to work it out, then I think that is an excellent way to go.
Post # 9
@Amy43026: what she said! Separate the issues. Decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then you will know what to do next.
Post # 10
Don’t be afraid to call it off if that’s what you feel needs to be done. A husband or fiance is supposed to add to your life, not make you sad and unhappy.
Post # 11
@rachel3212: Oh, dear lady, I’m sorry you are so sad. In reading your words, I hear my own when I was in my early 20’s. You are right to listen to your gut feelings and to acknowledge your own words. You’ve said it yourself, that you used to be very happy but you’ve become sad. (I was in a very similar situation, and worse. I had never known anyone to not like me or be upset with me, and so I would try and try to understand and explain myself, and that there was good in the world and things to be happy about, but he never wanted to hear it. I became a caged animal and it took much to break free.)
No matter how difficult his employment situation may be, that is no excuse to take it out on you and make you feel worthless. His employment situation should be completely separate from his feelings for you. A fiancé/husband should never belittle you, call you stupid or immature or say you would be a bad mother. You are graduating college in a week and that is no easy task. I’ll bet you’re smart, mature and would make a fantastic mother.
Though it may be difficult for you to hear, you know the answer: Since he chooses not to seek the help he needs, of his own accord, to handle his depression and frustrations against the world, you must separate yourself from him. Though you may care for him and his welfare, your welfare is being compromised. You don’t have to stand around and allow him to cause you pain because he cannot take care of his own.
Don’t worry about the bridal shower gifts, or what anyone might say or think. You’ll be surprised how people will rally to your side in such a time.
@mandypop: Awesome response. I completely agree.
Post # 12
My Fiance and I decided to break off our engagement at the beginning of this summer. We went through a lot of rough times, we both questioned our relationship, he started doubting that he loved me and that made me want to run. We both had some growing up to do, and honestly, as stupid as this sounds we weren’t ready back in May. We broke up.
We got back together in September. Over the summer, we both thought about the things we had said to eachother, because we had managed to have it out entirely. Everything about him that made me question marrying him came out. He confessed every reservation he had about me. I kind of had a crazy streak for a couple of months, but I ended up growing up a lot. He worked on himself. When we got back together, neither of us had changed as people, but we had both grown up a little bit. We were both ready to put the other person first, even through hard times, and our time apart helped us appreciate what we had to give eachother. To be clear, we didn’t just break off the engagement, we straight up broke up. I was heartbroken.
I’m not saying the same thing would happen for you. You might break off the engagement and realize he’s not the guy for you. I think I’m just telling you my story because I know I needed to risk losing my Fiance in order to grow. I think if we hadn’t taken a break, the bad stuff would have festered and we would have broken up for good, or worse, gone into a marriage that we weren’t ready for and resented eachother for it for years.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, I know this is a really hard situation. I wish you the best!
Post # 13
Oh my god i read this post and firstly thought it was my journal entry from a few years ago i swear that my story was the same as yrs however we werent engaged. I had been dating him for approx two years and it was heading to marriage but thank god it didnt would have been a disaster. Before i got with this fella lets call him ‘bob’ i was happy go lucky, i worked hard to get what i wanted and loved life. The i started to date ‘bob’ the first thing i noticed was he hated my mother who is my best friend. Then he got this job which he though was good but basically hated it but never tried to get a new one. He would come to mine at seven o’clock at night (after his dinner at his mums house) then stay to eleven and expect me to walk him out to the car even though i was half sleeping only staying the night if he wanted something, wink wink. Well after about a year and a half i had noticed i didnt see my friends or family as much and had read my journal from before i was with him to the present day and noticed over time they entries took a really negative turn. I then made the decision to be more postive and told ‘bob’ that was what i was gonna do he said ‘why bother nothing ever works out for ya anyway so whay try’. Couldnt belive it. The nail in the coffin was when i was buying my own house, he had refused to even look or consider buying together, he told me i couldnt do it and was mad to do it and would end up bankrupt and he would have to bail me out which he wasnt gonna do and that i was on my own (even know i helped him pay is rent from time to time). Anyways i bought the house and am NOT bankrupt we split approx 6 moths after me moving in! I see him regularly at the supermarket and hes just so depressing only oreos can help lol. I think if yr not happy life is to short to wast on negative people. Everyone has a bad day but when the bad days outweigh the postive the time to seriously think.
I am now with an amazing guy who is just perfect (well most of the time). Belive never live under a black cloud!!
ps sorry its soooo long lol
Post # 14
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry 🙁 Most of the complaints you have about him seem like they could be problems stemming from depression? If so, I would highly push for therapy. When I’m depressed, I’m a miserable person to be around and the slightest problem (like dirty dishes in the sink) can push me to make all kinds of irrational decisions. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your happiness is so important. I guess imagine if his outlook on life perked up and he was happier and no longer said these mean things to you-would you still want to be with him?
Post # 15
I know how hard this is! It sounds like you know what you need to do. And while it will be hard to contact everybody and return gifts and explain over and over what happened, THAT would be esier than being in a miserable marriage for the rest of your life…or as long as it takes before you do end up leaving.
I’m sure he has great qualities, because if he didn’t, you wouldn’t have agreed to marry him. BUT, if his good qualities are not outweighing the bad…if he’s calling you name? and making you sad…if he refuses to even acknowledge that he has to make a change, then it’s not going to work. Leaving my ex was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. It freed me up to meet my husband, it taught me what I am NOT willing to accept from a partner, and made me value the awesome qualities that my hubby did bring to a relationship.
You are the only person who can decided what your life is going to be like. You’re so young still. You’ve got so many experiences ahead of you. You owe it to yourself to have the best life possible.
Post # 16
You are still very young, and there’s no need to tie yourself down with someone who makes you feel less than amazing on a regular basis. It sounds like there have been issues for awhile. Do not feel like because you are engaged and have been for so long that you have to go through with anything–you are still entirely free to make the choice that is best for you. So sorry you’re going through this, and you will know in your heart what the right choice is. Just have the courage to follow it.