- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I’m a regular poster.. sorry about the incognito.
Fiance and I are long distance. I’ve been miserable and lonely. I thought that was normal. I also thought it was normal that I was starting to get crushes on guys around me, etc. I figured it was just transference and whatever, I never took it too far so it didn’t matter.
I’m not even sure how to get from point A to point B in this story. I’ve just been absolutely miserable and the fact that Fiance has kind of neglected to help me out with everything made me so bitter. It brought up all the times he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. It’s not that he’s a bad guy, not at ALL. He’s wonderful. He really is. But there’s so many things that make me unsure of whether we’ll really be happy together for the rest of our lives.
For one thing, I’m more outgoing than he is. He doesn’t like parties or crowds, so it sort of limits the stuff we can do together. His idea of a dream vacation is a secluded spot on the beach, and mine is maybe that part of the time but I’d prefer being around people. At first I thought this was normal cold feet, and hey we don’t have to do everything together, right? But then I’ve started seeing other young bee’s posts about how they can’t wait to live life with their partner in crime.. and I don’t feel that way. I feel like if I were older and had lived more he’d be perfect. He’s been married before, he’s done a lot of things I haven’t.. and I don’t know. It was never a problem before but I’m thinking I may want to find someone I get to experience new things with together.
The biggest thing is, I am religious. I’ve been so angry with God for not allowing us to be together and for letting something ALWAYS come between us. If one thing isn’t going wrong, it’s something else. I just kept praying and asking why he would make everything so difficult. I thought it was to make us stronger, and suddenly the other day, I had a feeling like, maybe it is a sign.
I texted a friend asking how she knew without a doubt her husband is the one for her. She said, “It was the first time I wasn’t fighting God for the relationship to work.” I just couldn’t believe she’d said something exactly along the lines I was thinking… it felt like an epiphany.
I just don’t know. I feel absolutely terrible. I don’t know how to do this! I don’t want to hurt him. We just finished paying off the rings, we have cats together (this one kills me the most:( ), we have a bank account together.. Already, it feels like we would be getting a divorce. Not that that is any reason to go through with it if I’m unsure..
I’m just so scared. Since I had this “A-ha” moment I keep crying but it’s different. I’m so scared everyone will hate me. I don’t want people to think I was lying when we got engaged or got our pictures done or anything. I feel so embarrassed for feeling this way, because I feel I should have realized it before. 🙁 I’m so ashamed.
I don’t know who else to turn to.