Post # 1
How to determine case of nerves or true second thoughts.
After engagement i feel like everythig had changed. My FI is beig rude to my parents to the point of accusig my mom of beig a drunk. She is not. She never drinks. I do not know why he would be saying such a thing. But i suspext his mother is influencing him? Bith his mother and sister are alcoholics so prehaps he thinks all mothers are alcoholics?
I love him and we have no problems…. i just do not know why he is so agitated towards my parents. We will be havig dinner and he gets agitated if they ask him if he wants more food or a drink. Yet i am alsways nice to his mpm even if she is being rude (callig my wedding dress and flowers yucky, but i still am nice) I just worry it is a bad warning signs or could just be wedding stress causig him to be on pins and needles.
I broke off a long term relationship before because i did not like bf behaviour. He gets married and guess what? That behaviour stopped. Will my Fi behaviour stop? I asked him what is wrong he said too many people talking at once is confusing whih makes no sense because my family is half the size of his family. My parents are going to have a sit down and ask him what the heck are tgey doing wrong thsr makes him antsy.
Help bees. Other than this i have no issues w FI
Post # 2
ingognito345 : Is this the same FI who sides with his mother against you and has accused both you and your parents of being liars?
If so, at least postpone the wedding until you can address these issues. Problem behaviors rarely improve after the wedding.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
You need to postpone and figure this out. Don’t expect someone to change after marriage, if anything, the behavior will get worse.
Post # 4
His behavior will NOT stop when you get married. Please don’t ever think that marriage will change your fiance’s behavior.
Have you talked to him about this?
Ask him what makes him think your mom is an alcoholic when she doesn’t drink. Tell him he seems on edge around them and ask him why.
Most of all, understand that by marrying him, his alcoholic mother and alcoholic sister will become your family. You can’t force him to stop spending time with them but you can create your own boundaries to protect yourself from them.
Post # 6
Geesh. His mother has obviously causes divorce and broken engagement with the other kids. I guess she thinks it is hilarious to play puppet master and fuck with peoples lives.
How can someone be so miserable and want tocause drama
Post # 7
Honestly by your description here, it kinda sounds like he’s having some kind of breakdown and I’d be concerned about his mental health (be it a temporary issue or a real illness). Too many people talking at once? Making up issues with others? Something is wrong.
how much stress is he taking on with family, work and wedding? Does he need a weekend to relax and do zero? A break from family? Is he early twenties and maybe a disorder of some kind is kicking in coincidentally? I think it would be good to chat with him about how he is feeling and changes you’ve noticed. See if he wants to talk to someone else, even if just once. See if he’s so stressed he’s blowing little things out of proportion without realizing it.
You might need to postpone, but if you’re going to call it quits entirely without at least trying to get to the bottom of his change, you aren’t ready for ‘in sickness and in health’ yet.
Post # 8
I am very close to my parents and I view marriage as a combination of our families.
If my FI showed this type of disrespect, I would absolutely tell him that he either has to sort it out or we’re not getting married. I come with my parents, and if he can’t respect them, he is not respecting me, and I can’t marry a man who doesn’t respect me.
Post # 9
You don’t have to allow her to do that to you. You can’t control her behavior but you can control how you let it affect you.
You can’t force your fiance to see it either, he has to see it for himself.
Post # 10
skunktastic : yes good point. He is primary caregiver for his disabled mother and does all her cooking cleaning groceries and errands. 4 cousins from overseas have moved into her place and up until last week he was cooking their daily meals and groceries from them as well. He has now stopped cooking for them. He does not reside in the same home amd he has a full time job.
This week he mentioned he “has noone to talk to” and has to do wedding planning himself (lack of assistance from his family).Maybe that is it if mental issue? Age is late 30’s
Post # 11
He’s calling your mom a drunk and liar but you’re calling his mom a drunk/liar/puppet master/cause for divorce. I don’t know how much is true but your antagonism for your FMIL might be causing him to act defensively and lash out at your family. It might be childish but he’s probably sick and tired of hearing about how your mom perfect and his is a drama queen.
Right now, it seems that you both have in law issues. You’ve told him your family’s side of the conflict. Now it might be helpful to sit down and listen to how he sees the situation. Hopefully you can sit down and figure out where the conflict lies. Maybe what you call lies, he calls exaggeration. Maybe jokes aren’t translating right. Or maybe she’s just the type of person who loves to tear others down to make herself feel better. Who knows. I don’t know your families.
Post # 12
lurkingvee : good points. He did ask me why i never call Fmil. He asked me if i am afraid of her
Post # 13
I broke off a long term relationship before because i did not like bf behaviour. He gets married and guess what? That behaviour stopped.
I think this comparison is wrong. What was that other guy’s behavior that you did not like? Maybe his wife learned to leave with it, or perhaps he decided to change (on his own will) because this or that happened to him. Marries doesn’t make behaviors we don’t like about are partners to go away, if anything, it makes them even biggers and louder. So, your current FI’s behavior is not going to change, if anything, it will increase if you marry him.
I do think you should break off the engagement, or at least postpone the wedding. You don’t respect his family, and he doesn’t respect neither you or your family. This is a BIG problem, especially given that you both seem to be really close to your own parents (how it should be).
If you have tried talking with him, if you have asked him to address this behavior together, and haven’t been able to see any change or solution to this issue…run, bee. This is not a marriage you want to live in.
Post # 14
funnyfox : but my FI was not like this before we got engaged! This is what is frustrating :/
Post # 15
Given the issues from this post as well as your other one, I would postpone the wedding. Calling family liars, drunks, etc is not acceptable (unless it’s our of control and completely true).
I’ve noticed that as my fiance and I have been together longer, the more annoyed I get with his family sometimes. I think it’s because I have started to view them as my own family and parents. And my parents sure can be annoying. Lol but it never goes past an eye roll, an ‘are you kidding me’, and little nagging ALL behind closed doors to my fiance. I would never treat them differently or be mean to them or say truly hurtful things.
So while yes, I think people can get annoyed with their in laws after time or in stressful situations, it sounds like the this is not the case with your FI.