(Closed) Thinking of kicking a BM out of wedding. RANTING!!!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would just tell her that you don’t think she is taking her role as a bridesmaid seriously and if she doesn’t start doing what needs to be done, then maybe she shouldn’t be a bridesmaid. If at that point she decides not to be one, then so be it, if she says she will do better, then great, but be prepared to stick to your guns ask her to step down if she doesn’t get better after the talk. If you talk to her about it, the ball is in her court, and if she decides to keep acting this way, then she will just have to understand that it is her fault that she was asked to step down.

ETA: I don’t think the dog situation should have anything to do with the BM situation, unless you think this makes her a bad friend for some reason. It sucks that she lied, but the fact that she isn’t taking care of your dog doesn’t make her a bad bridesmaid, but the other things do, so that is what I was referring to (skipping out on BM events, refusing to do necessary BM things, etc.)

Post # 4
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I think you are actually be a little unfair.

First of all, she isn’t required to take care of your dog. If you dont feel comfortable then find a kennel that you trust and make arrangements.

Second of all, perhaps she really is having family drama/money problems? Have you thought about asking her to coffee to find out whats going on in HER life? Going to dinner with a couple to discuss their wedding is not my idea of fun. Other than asking her to go to the dress appointment, how is she not living up to your expectations?

It sounds like you dont even like this girl, so i’m not sure why you even asked her to be in your wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

In terms of the dog:

It sounds like she hasn’t done a very good job watching him before and doesn’t want to watch him this time.  That probably means that if you try to force the issue, she’ll do an even worse job.

As much as it stinks, you may have to suck it up and bring him to the kennel for the weekend.

Post # 6
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

In terms of your friendship:

I second taking her out for coffee and figuring out what is wrong.  I’d probably tell her that I really love her and want her to stand up there with me when I take my vows, but I understand that sometimes life gets in the way.  If my wedding is adding to her already stressed out situation, she can feel comfortable coming to me and telling me.  It won’t affect our friendship.  If she wants to be in my wedding, then I’m more than happy to include her in whatever way she feels comfortable: as a bridesmaid, as a reader, or as a cherished guest.

Post # 7
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If someone mistreated my dog I wouldnt let them near her again let alone look after her. I had an issue with a bridesmaid before.. alot of people said things like your being unfair, BM have lives too ect. And I agree, BM have their own lives. They cant be there at every becon call and alot of brides do not ask for that. I had the toughest time getting one of my girls to even LOOK at dresses. She ditched me on several occasions, last minute, and came up with illigitimate excuses. She also started to be rude about other things, just day to day life wasnt the same with her anymore. I gave up at one point and just stopped trying. I told her she needed a dress to my criteria ordered by feb 1st. I never heard back. A few weeks later she msged me saying she wouldnt be in town for the wedding so i said thats fine n i havnt heard from her since. It really wasnt worth the few months of stress of trying, after putting my all into trying to include her she just neglected my friendship. No matter what people say, i believe that being a BM is an honor and there are certian duties that come with being a maid of honor. They dont by any means owe you all their time but they should try to be there if they can if you need assistance. It’ll work itself out. 

 

EDIT** I thought i added this but apparently not haha

I third and forth the taking her out ( if you can) Communication is the biggest part of friendship. Thats what ultimatly ended my BM and my friendship..I wish it hadnt. It was stupid, childish but she wouldnt talk to me even when I asked ( i think by the time I had asked it was too late) Some people just dont want to talk, just keep that in mind and good luck

Post # 9
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@FutureArmyWife12:  I wouldn’t leave my dog with someone who doesn’t take care of them while I’m gone. Can you ask another friend or relative? Can’t you pay someone else to do it? Like a dog-sitter or kennel if it comes to that? Look into kennels in advance, because with some your dog has to have certain shots & they need to have them a week before they go to the kennel. It sounds like maybe she feels bad saying no to this? Or maybe if you paid her or gave her a gift or something? Maybe she feels that every time you go out of town, the dog gets taken to her & she doesn’t want to watch him.

Maybe you can offer to hang out with her doing something NON-wedding related. She may feel like the only time you spend with her is because of your wedding. Not sure if that’s the case, but maybe have a girls day & don’t bring up the wedding at all. & if she brings it up, say you want to talk about her & we’ll talk about wedding stuff another time :).

Post # 11
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

She sounds flakey. If she lied to you about what she was doing on the sunday and monday night then shes lying to you about other things too. Honestly, Id kick her out. Nobody needs that kind of drama. And lets just say for the sake of that she IS going through ”drama”, well then STILL its taking over her life and she has no time for her responsibilities as a BM and does not care to share it with you and her drama will CONTINUE to interfer. To me it sounds like shes telling you ”pre-excuses” to back out of your wedding but telling you she wants to be a BM because shes trying to sugar coat it………

And if that was my dog, no way would I allow that to happen. If something as simple as filling a water dish isnt done, its not the only thing to worry about. 

Im sorry if my response is blunt or mean or senseless but if it was me, I would want someone to just tell me their honest opinion/truth without sappyness.

Post # 12
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@FutureArmyWife12:  So. She has a history of being withdrawn from activities for whatever reason: drama, money, disinterest, whatever. If she is lying, if she is truthful, if this or that, doesn’t matter. The bottomline is she isn’t reliable to help you or reciprocating as she once did. I think you should give her the out and let her take herself out of the wedding. It’ll relieve her, apparently, and you and your FI. Don’t kick her out, but check in with her from a caring standpoint of, “I’ve noticed you’ve had a lot on your plate and it’s been hard for us to meet. I’d love for you to still be in my wedding but if being a BM is just one more thing adding to your stress I understand and want to help. Please let me know by X date if you still want to be in the bridal party. If yes, great. We’ll go ahead and schedule an appointment for (insert dress fitting, hair/makeup trial, whatever) and if no, it’s okay and no hard feelings.” This way she can make the decision once and for all, and this won’t linger any more.

Post # 14
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I hate it when people say “she said she couldn’t afford it, but she just bought xxxx.” Dude, her extra money doesn’t have to go towards you. Maybe she can’t afford it AFTER she’s taken care of all the things she deems important, including her health and fitness. Maybe the gym is in her budget and your wedding isn’t. It’s HER money, it’s HER job, you don’t get a right to determine whether or not she needs to give up X to do Y or Z. 

Why it is you’d ask her to watch your dog after you believe she’s already mistreated your dog is beyond me. That’s like me saying I suspect my friend of abusing my child, but since I can’t prove it, I’ll have them watch my child again. You want to make sure your dog is taken care of? PAY FOR A KENNEL or a pet hotel or whatever.

Next. Is it possible that you are so consumed in wedding and your life that you haven’t bothered to ask her what is going on in hers? Maybe she doesn’t have time or the energy for a full scale dinner, which never turns out to be meet me at this restaurant, let’s eat for 45 minutes and leave. People deal with stressors in all kinds of different ways. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk wedding right now. Give her an out and see if she really has it in her to deal with your wedding and whatever she’s got going on. If she doesn’t, then don’t hold it against her. 

And I don’t know…. all this elaborate BM planning just gets me. I’m getting married in about 2 months, and I’ve yet to have one BM dinner, full scale blown out meeting or anything. 

Post # 15
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@FutureArmyWife12:  Enzo, CUTE name. And I hope everything works out for you!

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