Post # 1
Longtime poster undercover.
So unbelievably sick to my stomach right now and can’t even talk to my husband bc I am so lost. I found out tonight that after 3 years of marriage, 6 together total, he met a girl online 4 months ago and has met up with her twice where she’s performed oral sex on him; she’s married with a child as well. WTF is wrong with people?!
The Internet thing has been an issue in the past and now I feel like the worlds largest jackass for allowing this to go on. 4 years ago he went onto sites and talked to girls but never met up with them. I got over it and we moved on. Then this past June I found out he was doing it again when he asked me to look for an email from our realtor. Found the suspicious emails in the trash folder and confronted him on it; once again he swore it was just emailing. Both times I’ve caught him within the week he started this crap. In June I told him that was it, we were going to counseling and he needed to find us one and if it happened again I would leave. Well here we are 6 months later, same place, actually a worse place and counseling never happened.
He states he needs the attention and our intimacy has been lacking; I told him to be a fucking MAN. Marriage isn’t everyday bliss and my intimacy issues stem from many things that he’s know about since we’ve been together. I’m working on it! However, this stuff pushes me so far away that it’s hard to get back to a safe place. I literally have no one to talk to; if I told my sister or my friends
they would be here tonight packing my stuff up. He’s shaking and so scared bc he doesn’t know what’s going to happen and of course is crying saying he doesn’t want to lose me. Of course he would say those things! I seriously don’t know what to do. Honestly I don’t know if counseling would help us bc I’m so empty right now; he took this too far. How can I trust him again? 3 times now this happened and this last time for 4 mths! I’m sorry I just need someone to talk to…
Post # 3
I just want to say that you need to stop beating yourself up about this – it is in no way your fault.
It sounds like this is an ongoing problem that’s been going on for a long time, maybe not to this extent but even sending inappropriate emails is not healthy for your relationship. If I was in this situation, I would tell my husband that he needed to come to a counsellor with me to see if continuing on in the relationship was an option for us.
It is possible to get over things like this, but it’s not easy and I don’t see how he can expect it to just go away. It needs to be worked on!
Sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 4
@tiredwife09: Oh my. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. For me, I have an issue with trust. Once it’s broken I have a hard time letting the person who crushed it back in. There have been times (in past relationships) where I have tried to suck it up and let them back in when they say they will work on it, when they gave me excuses about how nothing happened…etc. But after that one time I can’t lie, it’s always in the back of my mind. And when it happened again (it always seemed to) it was time for me to go. Because that trust for that person would never be recovered. All the trying in the world wouldn’t change that.
Only you know what you can take. For me, if I were in your situation… marriage or no marriage I would have to leave to keep my sanity, and my dignity. I know it isn’t a decision you can come to lightly, but you can’t say that you haven’t tried to work things out. That you haven’t worked to get that trust back. It’s not your fault he keeps mucking it up.
You have to trust your gut.
Again, I am soooo sorry. Hugs to you and I hope you can be happy again.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would probably go stay somewhere, even if it’s a hotel since I know you said you don’t feel like you can call anyone, until you decide what you want to do. I personally don’t think I’d ever be able to trust my husband after everything that has happened between the two of you. Six years is a long time, but the rest of your life is much longer, and I don’t think I could stay in a marriage where I couldn’t trust my partner. His excuses are nothing but that – excuses. All marriages have rough patches where one person feels they aren’t getting enough attention, but that is not an excuse for cheating. You told him that if this happened again you would leave, and well…it has happened again. So unfortunately that means you have a tough decision to make.
I would sign up for counseling ASAP. It certainly can’t make matters worse, and if you do leave I still think counseling would be a big help for you. I’m so sorry =(
Post # 6
Wow this is a tough one. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes, but I definitely think I’d leave the house or ask him to leave for a while. I think you deserve the space to think about whether you want to stay in the relationship. And the space will also give him time to think about what he’s done, and give him a taste of what it would be like to lose you. I’d make him work extra hard to get back in my good graces. That would include counseling as a PP said, and any other assurance you need to make you feel like he has genuiniely changed. Sorry you are in this situation…the people we love can hurt us the most that’s for sure.
Post # 7
Thanks bees….it’s been a long night. I did not sleep at all and today one of us is going to leave. I can’t stomach to look at him or even try to attempt to work on this until I know for sure that’s what I want. You are so right about trusting your gut bc mine has been telling me somethings been up for a few weeks now and bam. If I had to decide today, right now I’d be gone for good. Out of respect for my marriage, despite his lack of, I need to give it time to think. Thank you again.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you are going thru this. you are not alone I assure you. You may want to read some of the things on the link below. Good luck whatever your choices.
Post # 9
Honey, I am so sorry ((HUGS)). I actually was shocked to read this, my best friend went through this same thing with her husband last year. She gave him 6 months to get into counseling, which he never did, and then she left. She is submitting her divorce papers (they have been separated for a year and a half now) next week. Its sad, because they were great together, but I guess he didn’t feel like his marriage was worth saving. They were together for 10 years, married for 7.
Go with your gut. He hasn’t done anything to fix this at this point, and I don’t think he will 🙁
Post # 10
I am so sorry.. My only advice is take time away from him to really think things over. Marriages can over come things like this if BOTH people are willing to work really hard at it and know its going to take a long time to get back to a place of trust and happiness again. But if you left him everyone would understand and support that too.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry. That is horrible. I think it’s best if you do as you’re planning – one of you should leave and just take a month or two to think about it. I say a month or two because I think you really need some time to distance yourself from everything that you just found out about.
Post # 12
He states he needs the attention and our intimacy has been lacking; I told him to be a fucking MAN.
He’s cheating and blaming YOU for the intimacy issues you guys have??
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I don’t think he respects you and your marriage the way you respect him. You deserve better than this. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Post # 13
I have no words of wisdom for you. I wish I did. I just wanted you to know how very sorry I am that you are going thru this and to know I will be praying that God heals your broken heart. I can’t even imagine your pain right now.
Post # 14
Hope you get through this. You def need time on your own to think if you really want to be in this marriage and if you’re both willing to put the effort in to fix it.
My friend went through something similiar recently. Her husband said he wanted to make things better, that would last a few months and then it was back to square one. She took the kids and moved back in with her parents. She just couldn’t be around him anymore. They need their space now and will see how things progress in the coming months, and if they both want to work at their marriage.
Post # 15
PPs have covered advice, just wanted to send HUGS.
Post # 16
@tiredwife09: (hugs) I’m so terribly sorry. I’m glad you told him to be a “effing” man though because it’s the truth. Has he tried to spice up the sex life much? I’m sure he hasn’t, but claim he has. Unfortunately, some men think it’s a one way street. We are supposed to always cater to them in their crazy minds.
I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you need to move on as hard as that may be to do. Everything is always easier said than done.