Post # 1
Originally I was going to have the father daughter dance. Even though it is my second wedding it is my fiance’s first and it is not going to “feel” like a second wedding (most second weddings I have attended are super low key affairs which is totally cool just not the way my wedding will be…different strokes).
A little back story:
Anyway my first wedding was a stupid mistake at 23 that lasted a little over a year, would have been shorter but my family frowns on divorce big time (in their opinion irreconcilable differences is not a good reason). Ok they got over the fact that I am a divorcee (it helped when I informed my mother my ex hated her AND decided he didn’t want children) BUT before I was in a relationship she said “I don’t pay for second weddings”. Fair enough but odd thing to say out of the blue. So I already get the impression that my wedding isn’t viewed as “special” or as special to my parents. Also because we have put off getting the ring (I want an authentic art deco 1920’s ring, FI knows this and he wants me to have what I want since it will be on my finger forever. I am not being a spoiled princess) we are trying to be responsible, not asking my parents for a thing yet they don’t seem to take our relationship seriously despite having been together for nearly 5 years.
Alright so I was thinking I’d skip the father daughter dance, just have a first dance and no wedding party dance. Now I am sure many of you will understand why and even if you don’t you’ll probably think it’s not earth shattering to not have one BUT my parents like to get their way. So even though they are not paying for a thing I KNOW my mom (and by proxy my dad) will try to control things/critize etc.
My Mom and I have a “weird” relationship and my Dad will always back up my Mom. If/when she says something about me not having a father daughter dance what is a good response? Keep in mind she is prone to arguing if she feels she is right or that it is only proper. Also given what I have said do you understand or think it is ok to not have a father daughter dance?
Post # 3
1. Totally understand, definitely okay not to have one. I’m not having one for…some reasons.
2. As far as what to say, I have no clue. My parents are divorced so needless to say my mom is a-ok with me skipping those things. He’s also not walking me down the aisle. Just stand your ground after you make your point. Maybe you even have to say, “We didn’t feel like you would want to do this again as you’re not treating my wedding as important/special.” But you know, that’s a very blunt way of putting it. Can’t say I totally recommend it, even though it’s what you’re thinking.
Post # 4
@AmeliaBedelia: Exactly! It IS what I am thinking but anytime I tell my Mom how I feel (about anything my relationship with her..) she ends up not wanting to hear it and brushes me off. Otherise my very large family is very close knit and I don’t want to ruffle any feathers so to speak but it does seem a tad silly to go through with a father daughter dance given my parents’ attitude towards second weddings. I know they want me to be happy but they don’t express it well it’s like they’d rather live in their own little world where they are right about everything…if that makes sense.
Post # 5
@EncoreBridetoBe: Makes a little too much sense to me. It’s exactly how some members of my family are, and we are also what I’d consider “very close.” I wish I were more helpful as far as what to say in a non-crazy way. :/ I have used a few excuses for mine I’ll share. For walking down the aisle, I just made it clear that FI and I were walking together because “we want it to represent our relationship.” I didn’t have to necessarily say, “Because I haven’t been close with you.” I just said the OTHER reason. For the dances, I said simply that I find them awkward (I do, and I also find the bouquet/garter awkward so we’re skipping that too) and FI’s Mom may not even be there. Excuses? Yes. But they’re all true. Do you have any secondary reasons you could spin?
Post # 6
Wait, are we the same people?
I even had my parents, both of them, say to me that if my dad has a ‘good job’ (he is a self contractor and can work any time he pleases, he CHOOSES when he wants a job) he won’t be able to make it to the wedding. SERIOUSLY?
My first wedding at 20 was a huge mistake and was over by the time I was 23. Now at almost 28, I’m getting married to a wonderful man & we have a 3 year old together and you would think my parents would want to come for no other reason than to see the grandson they live 900 miles away from and see once a year MAYBE. GAH.
My parents are also contributing nothing, and this is my fiance’s first marriage and his family has contributed half the budget. Seriously. My parents simply act like it isn’t important. My grandparents and my brother (and his family) are all excited, but I can’t understand why this isn’t something fun for them. They act like it’s a huge imposition for them because they have to drive from Louisiana to Wisconsin–but expect me to do it on a yearly basis, and often ask when I’m coming ‘home’ again. I have lived in Wisconsin for right at 2 years and my mom came up 2 months after I moved. The rest of them have NEVER been here.
We bought our house a YEAR ago and it has an extra room for guests and still, no one. So I totally get it.
And I’m skipping the father/daughter dance too.
Sorry for my own little rant 🙁 I do hope you can work things out with your mom and dad.
Post # 7
I don’t think you need to explain anything. Just tell them you aren’t doing it. If they ask why, tell them you don’t want to. Don’t budge. If your mom keeps asking why, just keep saying it’s not something you want to do, that’s the end of the story, and you aren’t going to change your mind so she might as well save her breath. I know you’ll probably get flustered, but stand your ground.
I’m not doing a f/d dance either. FMIL is all-you have to! Um, no. Besides, my guests aren’t going to want to stand around watching us dance with our parents. They want to get the party started! 😉
Post # 8
It’s so hard for me to fathom why families act like this when it comes to weddings. They should be thrilled and want to help in any way they can, even if it’s just emotional support!! I decided to elope mainly because of my family.
Anyway, I completely understand you not wanting to do the father daughter dance and you have the right to not do it-regardless of the fuss your mom puts up.
Post # 9
I agree with PP, just do what you want. But have you talk to your dad? Will your FI want to have the mother/son dance? Would it be odd if he did and you didnt even though your dad is sitting right there?
Post # 10
@andilene: No worries…we might be the same person. I live 1 1/2 – 2hrs away and you’d think I moved to Siberia. Always a reason they can’t come up to see me yet they lack understanding of any kind when I can’t just drop everything to go “home”
I am dreading telling them no f/d dance AND now I am considering just walking myself up the aisle….I am covering it in rose petals I think it will look better and keep with the tone of my wedding if it is just me. Ugh, its like they want it both ways treat it like a second wedding (not AS special traditionally) yet expect me to adhere to all the traditions they like. I can hear it now they’ll use the excuse that b/c it is a church wedding with a formal dinner and dance I “have” to do X Y Z
Post # 11
@pinkshoes: Haven’t talked to my Dad about it we get along and all we just don’t have those talks…IDK. No my fiance will not want ANOTHER dance that makes him the center of attention and his Mom won’t care she is pragmatic and will understand that guests will want to have fun not sit around watching dance after dance. So no weird conflict there.
Post # 12
Do what you want. Unless it’s really going to hurt your father’s feelings, just skip it if you don’t want to do it.