Thinking of Stepping Down as a Bridesmaid in my Sister's Wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6790 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your sister sounds like a nutter and I don’t blame you for stepping down. She’s not treating you very well and no one deserves to be treated like that.

that said, you need to CALL her and not have this conversation by email. Just say “We have been fighting since we started wedding planning and it’s not worth it to have me in your bridal party if it means we won’t like eachother very much when the wedding is done. I’m happy to help you if there’s anything you need, but I’d much rather be a guest.” This is your sister, not a business relationship. You owe her an actual phone conversation.

Post # 3
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Horseradish:  +1. E-mail breakups are the worst.

VeggieBee:  It sounds like she asked you out of obligation and you said yes out of obligation and you’ll both be happier if you’re not in it.

Give her a call and explain that. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee

VeggieBee:  I get that she’s crazy and screamed the “F” word at you in the bridal shop. I get that she un-invited you to the bachelorette party. I get that she’s apparently mentally unstable, irrational and hurtful. I get that you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

And I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

But — since you asked for advice — my advice would be to suck it up and be a bridesmaid in her damned wedding.

Because if you send that email, she probably won’t heave a sigh of relief and think you’re really cool for sparing her the aggravation of standing by her side. No. This will probably be twisted around and thrown back in your face for the rest of your life. She will spend the next 50 years telling anyone who will listen that you are the evil sister who cruelly dumped her when she was in the middle of planning the happiest day of her life. She’ll probably also tell them that you didn’t have the guts to call her or do it in person, but rather that you sent a cold email.

Just hold your nose and get through it. And in a few years when she’s divorced, if the day ever comes when she decides to re-marry, and if she ever asks you to be her bridesmaid again — then at that time you can decline and make an excuse of some sort.

If she were a crazy, whacko friend and you could just cut her loose and never see her again, my advice would be different. But for better or for worse, you two are going to be tied together in some fashion for the rest of your lives. 

Don’t give her any ammunition to use against you. Just get through the wedding, and back slowly away from her, and distance yourself from her to the degree that you are comfortable.

And in the meantime, even though you’re understandably aggravated and hurt, try to have compassion for her in the sense that she is a really f @cked up person. When you look at it from that angle, it’s easier to not be affected by her antics. It’s like going to the zoo and looking at a crazy gorilla on the other side of the cage — it doesn’t affect you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this hurtful situation. 

Post # 6
Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with Bellini. Shes an insane bitch but I would just buy the dress and show up just because she’s your sister not a friend you can cut off. If you don’t you’ll likely have to hear about it for.ev.er and I’m sure the story will get twisted in your family and you’ll be the bad guy.

But I wouldn’t lift a finger towards anything else- showers, planning stuff, fittings etc. Just buy the dress and show up. If she protests you tell her your efforts to be involved have ended horribly and you’re over trying.

Post # 7
Member
7105 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

BelliniChic:  I agree with you! OP- you can’t reason with your sister based on what she has done so far. Suck it up and get through it- otherwise she will turn it around and you will be the bad guy. What does your mom say?

Post # 8
Member
2772 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MrsBuesleBee:  I agree! She may be bat sh*t crazy but she’s your sister. Follow through with what you have committed to do, even if it isn’t ideal…

Post # 9
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Can you call and talk to her about it? Maybe just say “hey, I seem to be stressing you out, if it makes it easier on you I will Gladly step down”. This way, if she wants you in the wedding she will say so, if not she will say that. Did you guys have a close relationship before this?.

Post # 10
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

Sorry op I agree with everyone else.

I’d just buy the dress and attend the wedding.  She is your sister and for all you know things between you will get better.  Or just ask her point blank. Do you really want me as a bridesmaid? That gives her the opportunity to run her mouth and tell u off and probably take u off the hook if she truly is that resentful towards you.

 

Post # 13
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’d step down.  I am FIRMLY in the camp of “you choose your family,” and in this case that is especially true.  You have a very troubled relationship that won’t magically be fixed by showing up at events once in a while, and from the sound of it it is her fault.  If this person was a friend you’d drop them, so treat them the same way.  Drop out of her wedding and I would minimize contact in the future.  Don’t completely ignore her, but don’t go out of your way to be in her way either (if that makes sense).  Be cordial at family events and when you have to interact, otherwise, bye! It isn’t 1850 anymore, just becuase you share genes doesn’t mean you owe her the world, especially when she treats you this way.  

Post # 14
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Local Resort

Is your sister 12 years old? 

1. email is not the way to go about it, you should be able to have a phone conversation without her screaming or acting like a spoiled brat

2. you’re right to sit this one out, she doesn’t understand the big picture and you may as well take the burdon off your plate not to mention the expensive odds and ends throughout the entire process.

3. you have to remember NOT to feel bad.  if she wants to act like an ass, then let her.  she is now her current fiances problem, not yours.  And you should tell your mother you’re bowing out, and not to have any kind of opinion about it.  NONE of this should make you feel bad in the least.

 

I had my best childhood friend of 20+ years say to me “So listen, all the girls are going to decide on a dress and if you can’t fit into the style everyone likes that’s tough you’ll just have to lose weight”.

I was never so hurt by anything anyone had ever said to me in my life [we were in our mid to late 20’s at this point].  I never spoke to her again.  Do what you have to do!

Post # 15
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Yelling aside, she didn’t quite cut you from the wedding festivities. She just wants a bachelorette with her friends… I say let her have her party the way she wants And don’t plan anything else. Show up in your dress on the day of the wedding, hold some flowers and be done with it. 

 

Have you two ever been close?  If you two have a history of not being besties, and you know she’s emotional and irrational etc, then why are her actions a surprise? The email and making a big deal about your part in HER wedding will only cause more drama. 

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