Post # 31
I have to agree with PPs who have said the best way to deal with this is buy the dress and show up. It’s pretty obvious from what you’ve said that she’s a bit nuts and self-centered, but sending that email (or having the convo by phone) is only going to fuel her crazy and cause a world of problems for you. She’s your sister and you will have her in your life in some fashion forever. Hopefully, your relationship could even improve as she matures, but as PPs have said, if you step down, I could see this being thrown in your face forever, by her and possibly also by your mom.
Take the high road and hang in there!! This is a crappy situation, but you will get through it.
Post # 32
Your sister sounds like a nutcase, and honestly, like the type to use you not being in her wedding as ammunition against you for the rest of your life. Buy the dress, and only show up for the wedding. Nothing else. NOTHING. Don’t go out of your way for anything, or invest anymore money. Just do your duty, and distance yourself from this lunatic.
Post # 33
MrsTywinLannister: I really like your comment about you “choose your family.” In fact, one of the reasons that some people are so abusive to family members is their underlying belief that the other person can’t “leave” the relationship. In no other situation do we tell people to put up with abuse.
Post # 34
Carolsays: I agree with you and MrsTywinLannister. If it was a bee’s husband or MIL that told her to F off in the middle of a store it would be all that’s abuse, red flags, cut them out. Hypocracy is the norm here though so not surprising.
Post # 35
This is a really tricky situation. I hate to be so clinical about it, but I would do a cost-benefit analysis about this situation and use that as a guide. I also wouldn’t count on your sister actually allowing you to just be a guest at her wedding. She may uninvite you. Not trying to intimidate you, but encourage you to look at this from all perspectives. It does sound like stepping down is going to create more drama, but creating drama while protecting oneself is not necessarily a bad thing. I do think you are underestimating the potential rift that stepping down could cause in your family, though. This is a pretty big decision with huge repercussions. Not saying it’s the wrong one, but be prepared. Your logic that she will be less stressed out if you step down is NOT sound logic. She has said that she wants you as her bridesmaid. If you do not want to be her bridesmaid (and it sounds like you have very valid reasons for this), that is completely understandable–but don’t make it out as though you are doing her a favor as well, because her perspective of the situation is likely different from yours and that will probably anger her.
The one thing I will say is that if you are stepping down, I would put the ball completely in her court before stepping down so she is 100% clear that it is her doing, not yours. Set VERY clear boundaries so that if/when she breaks them, she understands that she has transgressed your boundaries. For example, say “I was really hurt by you not inviting me to your bachelorette party. Also, I will not participate in you screaming at me. If you scream at me again, I am stepping down as your bridesmaid.” That way, if she screams again with full knowledge of your boundaries, it is her who is responsible for the consequences.
Good luck! This is a terrible, terrible situation.
Post # 36
MrsTywinLannister: I concur 100%.
OP – You may not be able to choose who you’re related to by blood but just because they are blood does NOT make them family. Speaking from experience, family can treat you shitter than a stranger on the street and you have to take care of you and your mental health FIRST. With that being said, if you feel it would be in your best interest to step down from her wedding, do so. You dont have to explain to anyone why you’re stepping down, especially since it doesnt seem as if they would understand or care.
Post # 37
Hi friends – everyone was so kind in providing me with thoughtful and considerate advice I thought I would come back and provide an update on the situation. I was still stuck on whether or not to step down, I was very torn and stressed and the whole situation was just not ideal, when I got a phone call from my sister! She apologized for being awful and admitted that she had said some horrible things to me. She said that she had been under so much stress with the wedding, but that she took it out on me and knows that it was the wrong thing to do. This was certainly not what I expected but I am glad that this is the way it turned out! She even made a point to ask “after all that has happened will you still be my bridesmaid?” So I told her that I happily accepted her apology, but told her that the next time something like this happened I would have no choice but to step down.<br />After this we had a long conversation about how she could better utilize myself and her other bridesmaid to help take the stress off of her, and I managed to get her STD’s designed and ordered for her less than 6 hours later. So for now we are all good! Thanks again to everyone who provided me with helpful advice – despite many people having different opinions, having my concerns validated and being provided with so many different perspectives on the situation was really what I needed at the time.
Post # 38
VeggieBee: That’s great! I love happy updates. 🙂
Post # 39
That’s a really cool update! I’m very glad your sister stepped up and owned her mistakes!
Post # 40
VeggieBee: Have you sugessted that mayne you can be the DD at the bachlorette party? Tell her you want everyone to be safe and Say hey I know I don’t drink as much as you guys but I’d like to be a peart of it and I’d like to get you safely to the alter :)? I would try something like that. I know she is mean. I get that As a pp said you will look like the bad guy :9. As unfair as that is. Like My SO’s Borther is getting married this year and I am not invited to the main wedding but the secondary one ands we will be going to that so we don’t look l;ike the jerks who didn’t go to the wedding. Sigh, weddings cause drama.
Post # 41
I’m so happy to hear that everything worked out!! Best of luck to you and your sister 🙂
Post # 42
Glad for a happy update!!!
Post # 43
VeggieBee : Can I ask what the end result was??? I am in a very very similar situation and am not sure what to do.