Post # 1
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 3 years.
He is 40 and I am 30.
We do not live together yet (partly due to my uni – in my final semester now) but we plan to when I graduate (house hunting to buy). I want to get engaged but he says its all about saving for the house right now. I am sick of feeling like our relationship has not changed since we met 3 years ago. I want more commitment and he knows that. Usually he responds with ‘financially not able to get engaged yet’ or ‘relax and enjoy the relationship’ but I am starting to get over it. Why should the relationship be about what ‘he’ wants (buy house – no ring) and not what I want too?
I suppose I am jittery due to my age and we both want a baby (although I do think he could be swayed not to have one).
Just looking for words of advice, has anyone else been there, is there??
Post # 2
LLMMCC: Have you had a conversation about what each of you sees as a timeline? Does he think you need/want an expensive ring?
Being engaged doesn’t have to cost that much money- neither does being married.
Post # 3
LLMMCC: After three years and no commitment or timeline, I don’t blame you for feeling angry.
Three years is more than enough time for a middle-aged man to figure out a way to get four little words out of his mouth: Will you marry me?
It’s not rocket science and it doesn’t cost a penny.
This is your life too and you deserve an answer. If he can’t tell you if or when he wants to marry you, then my humble advice would be NOT to move in with him under any circumstances. Otherwise you might be posting on here three years from now about your ticking biological clock.
I’m a lot older than you, and one of the reasons I don’t have children is because when I was your age, I wasted a lot of years on a guy who gave me the same song and dance your boyfriend is giving you.
If you really and truly want to get married and have babies, you don’t have to put up with vague answers and question marks. He can’t keep you dangling unless you allow him to. You don’t have to give an ultimatum to get what you want, but every single one of us has the right to walk away from a relationship that isn’t meeting our needs. Good luck!
Post # 4
I would not buy a house with a man I was not married to, let alone not engaged to. You’re not protected legally. For this reason alone, his line of thought is backward. At 40, he should know and be willing to act after 3 years.
Post # 5
If I was in your situation I would tell him that I don’t feel comfortable moving in with him and buying a house without being engaged (well, married but that’s beside the point). Not in a way that would makes it seem I was trying to give him an ultimatum, but I’d just be honest an tell him those were my concerns.
Post # 6
A deed to a house is not a commitment to marry someone. Please do not go through with buying a home believing this will be a step closer to marriage because it is not.
He’s 40. He knows what he wants. He wants a house. With or without you in it, doesn’t seem to matter to him. Either way he’s told you (in varying ways) that marriage isn’t in his plans. Believe what he is telling you.
How much more time are you willing to gamble with for someone who isn’t placing a winning bet on you? 2, 4, 8 more years?
Another way to look at it… do you want to be a 34yr old bride? 36 yr old mother? It could potentially be your first – and only- child if you decide continue your travels down this unknown road.
Post # 7
Buying a house with someone is a huge commitment. In some ways, it is a bigger deal than marriage. A divorce when neither member of the couple has any substantial assets or children can be super easy and relatively cheap. A breakup of an unmarrried couple with a house involved can be a nightmare. It can lead to financial ruin and bankruptcy. I would never buy a house with someone I wasn’t married to.
You are taking a massive risk by buying a house with this man. Yes, everything could work out perfectly. He could propose in 6 months and you two could be having a baby in 2 years and you would have a beautiful house. However, in the worst case scenario, you could be financially ruined with massive legal problems on your hands.
Why take the risk when there are better alternatives? There is no reason you have to buy a home now. Keep enjoying your relation and put off house hunting until BOTH of you know what you want out of this relationship, and both of you are getting what you need.
Post # 8
2ndTimeForWe: exactly what is wrong with being a 34 year old bride?
Post # 9
Being engaged doesn’t have to cost a fortune, or anything, for that matter. I don’t know what he thinks is required to be engaged, but it’s not lots of money.
Honestly, I would cut my losses and move on. I’m a no nonsense kind of gal, and if a guy I was considering marrying said he was not financially ready to be engaged, but was focusing on saving money for a house, I would leave him. His priorities just don’t make sense, so either he’s confused or he doesn’t want to get married now or any time in the near future. Getting engaged and even getting married cost way less than a house, and it’s much more logical to get married before buying a house together.
I think you could find a suitable mate, marry him, get a house, and have children faster than you could do any of that with the guy you’re with right now.
Post # 10
WestCoastV: I think she means that being a bride at 34 when you want to be married earlier delays other parts of life, especially the ones that are time sensitive.
If you want to have children and acquire property together after marriage and not before, but your SO is taking a long time to propose, all of the things you want to do will be delayed. When it comes to having children, that delay could mean not having as many children as you may want and a higher risk of complications and difficulties. Furthermore, if your SO has no timeframe and you wait for them to make a decision or come around, you could end up missing out on certain parts of life altogether.
I could be wrong, but based on what she wrote after that, I think that’s what she meant.
Post # 11
WestCoastV: Agreed, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a 34 year old bride or a 36 year old first-time mother.
2ndTimeForWe: I think there’s a good chance that if she leaves him today, even in the best of circumstances she might be a 34 year old bride/36 year old first-time mother. There’s no guarantee that she will find Mr. Right right away or that she or Mr. Right will be comfortable getting engaged within less than a year of knowing each other. And when you factor in the fact that most people spend close to a year planning the type of wedding they want, you realize that the whole process of starting from scratch would take years.
But I do think that if someone would eventually have to start from scratch to get the life they want, then it’s better to start sooner rather than later. OP, if this guy isn’t willing to give you what you want in life (and it seems like he’s not), it’s better to leave him now and start over than to leave him in a year or two or more.
Post # 12
To me, it’s a huge red flag that he’s claiming not financially being able to get engaged while preparing to house-hunt. Please don’t buy a house with this man if you cannot be happy without being engaged or married to him. It might be worth asking him under what circumstances he sees you being engaged, and a timeline. But go back and re-read your post. He’s 40, you feel the relationship isn’t progressing, and when you bring it up, you’re told to just sit back and enjoy the relationship as-is. That does not sound healthy to me.
Post # 13
WestCoastV: MissMarple: Please stop the nonsense.
No one is taking digs at another or finding fault with a 34 yr old bride. Please RE-read OP’s post. She CLEARLY states that she wants to be engaged and would like a child, she also states that she is 30. She asks “why should the relationship be about what he wants and not what I want?”.
My selection of ages was arbitrary. These were examples of *hypothethical* future points in time that these events could *possibly* occur IF she chose to continue on with him. For crying out loud, I am in my 30’s, NO ONE was slighting that set of circumstance considering that, I for one, may very well share the same events at those ages. So seriously, stop making something out of nothing and attempting to point out what you feel is a percieved injustice.
Both of your responses seemed to me like somehow my comment offended you, that you took it personally. Seeing as though my response to the OP was NOT geared to either of you or your personal situations its best to leave it as just that – as response to the OP.
So yes, when the OP remarks on her age, states she is questioning the duration of her relationship in relation to her desire to get engaged and she would also like to have a child, then I feel its safe to offer those questions for her consideration. Plain and simple.
That is all.
Post # 14
2ndTimeForWe: As I am in my mid-20’s, I can assure you that I certainly did not take your comment personally, but I did see how it could come off in finding fault with people who are in the situations you mentioned. By asking the questions in the way you did, your comments could easily be taken as implying that there’s something wrong with people who find themselves in those situations.
Pulling numbers out of nowhere does not make for very good points. What is to suggest that her current boyfriend would even propose in time to get married within the next 4 years? If he’s 40 and so focused on buying a house and putting off conversation about a timeline to get engaged/tie the knot/start a family… then nothing at all suggests that he’s going to propose 2, 4, or 8 years from now. I think that was your original point, but it got muddled with the random example of asking whether OP would wait 4 more years to get married and 6 more years to have kids.
And what if she says yes, if she had to wait 4-6 years she would? That’s why these random numbers don’t work well. There’s absolutely no reason to suspect that that’s what her boyfriend’s timeline would be given that he has not given her any semblance of a timeline. That’s also why it came off as if you were putting your own personal limits on when people should get married and have kids as general rules.
In addition to that, as I said before, even if she left right now, I would guesstimate that it would probably take her at least 2-4 years to find a suitable partner and get married. So unless you’re using your example in that sense, I don’t think it makes sense to pull random numbers out of nowhere.
Post # 15
LLMMCC: Just my two cents: why can’t you be engaged and save for a house?
I made it loud and clear to my SO (he’s 30, I’m 27) that he should not spend more than $400 on an engagement ring. He is finishing up school which he is paying for himself (he is in School full time and works full time). We don’t own a home yet but have started saving. I honestly woludn’t feel comfortable sporting a ring that cost thousands of dollars (especially in our situation).
I hate to be harsh, but it’s not expensive to be engaged, and it’s only expensive to get married if you decide to make it expensive. If you wrote this post and the guy was like 20 years old, I’d say maybe give it time. He’s 40. He’s well aware of what life’s committments are, of what women in your situation expect/desire, and of the many ways people balance house saving and engagement/starting a family.
Bottom line is: he wants a house, and he’s using it as an excuse to not get engaged/commit. I would be very wary of buying a house. This is your chance to put your foot down. You seem like you know what you want.