This Bee is back for more advice after separating from husband due to infidelity

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

therealbee:  You did the right thing! He sounds like such a jerk, who says those things when trying to get someone back? ‘I won’t wait forever’. It should be ‘I will wait forever, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me’.

He also projecting his guilt onto you and twisting it to make it seem like you’re in the wrong. Not cool. I had an ex that did that. He made me feel like I was the bad guy because I wouldn’t give it another shot… unreal. He did the exact same things. I stuck to my guns and cut him out (I know it’s harder with you because you have a child together). It sounds like you’re doing great so far!

Find something for yourself, a new hobby, new workout class. It is hard, but everyday it gets a little easier.

Post # 5
Member
8073 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you should forgive him. No one can be remorseful “all the time” – you also need to forgive. I would start going to counseling together with the intent to reconcile. You wonder if you could have gotten past it and the answer is you could have and you still can.

 ETA: I went back to read your original thread, and still… you want to end your the marriage to father of your child because he flirted with a classmate and went out to dinner once? I get how that is wrong and painful and a breech of trust that will take time to heal. But I think the punishment has fit the crime at this point and youll both be happier if you can find a way to dig yourselves out of this.

 

Post # 6
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I left my first husband after giving it my all and still questioned if I had done enough and the whole experience actually took me away from the church because my mom and everyone else kept saying I needed to try more, do more, stay, etc and kept giving props to my ex because he showed up on Sundays.  In my core I knew I coudln’t believe in something that wanted me so unhappy when I was trying and he wasn’t and at the time in my late twenties I knew I was too young to be that miserable for life and I was willing to face any fallout.  My ex too would make crappy attempts and then get mad at me for them not being good enough and I just knew it would never change.  Being stuck in that limbo was horrible, leaving was the first chance I felt all the weight off my shoulders and knew I had made the right choice.  We had kids together too and I knew without a shadow of a doubt I couldn’t have that be what my daughters saw a marriage to be about or what my son thought was right for a husband.  My ex was an emotional cheater too and everyone kept telling me he hadn’t slept with anyone that I knew of, they would never accept it when I said emotional affairs are far worse!

Post # 9
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

An emotional cheater is always worse than a drunken one night stand cheater, he done this over a period of time, not giving one thought to you, or your marriage, the moment he developed any kind of feelings for this woman(we’re all human, it can happen)he should have done everything in his power to end the ‘friendship’, move classes, but instead he pursued her. You know in your heart if he hadn’t been caught they would have slept together. The fact he’s being malicious towards you after what he has done shows he’s not sorry, I’m sorry to say that but honestly he sounds like he’s just ‘remorseful’ he got caught, the fact in his eyes he hasn’t done anything that bad says it all…you’ve done well so far, it will get easier.

Post # 9
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee

therealbee:  According to the Word of God, you CAN leaveand divorce is justified if one party was unfaithful.

Matthew 5:32 (NIV version)

“It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; 32but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR THE REASON OF UNCHASTITY, makes her commit adultery…

I was where you are.  Don’t give in. It will get easier with time. He is a jerk and he is manipulative. It would be one thing if he was truly remorseful, but to turn around after he did the ULTIMATE disrespectful thing after breaking his vows and having the audacity to even attempt to put some of this on you is despicable.  Cut out contact if you have to.  You deserve someone who you wont have to second guess for the rest of your life and you deserve respect.

Post # 11
Member
49 posts
Newbee

Please recognize that a relationship with him seems so unhealthy (to me at least). He is not recognizing the true extent of how much he has hurt you and ruined your trust with him, which is no foundation to rebuild on. If he wanted to work it out truly he would be admiting his faults and seeking help with or without you. He sounds like a narcissist with all the picking up women and lying..probably trying to feed his own ego. I would strongly suggest staying away from him and get yourself into a counselor where you can express yourself and move on from this. You are strong and worthy of a good, loyal man!

Post # 12
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

therealbee:  You say “I guess the advice I am looking for is if I am really wrong to have never given him a chance AFTER we split (because I’ve given him millions of chances before we split, see thread above to understand).”  My advice is this saying I read not too long ago for the first time and it was really like a light bulb went off in my head when I read it, I hope it brings you the same peace it brought me….Forgiveness is a chance to correct not permission to repeat. So if he can understand that and not repeat the offenses and take responsibilty and be accountable for his actions and you want to give him another opportunity then I believe it is your right but if you don’t want to take him back that is all right too.

Post # 14
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I was married before. I split from my ex because of his abuse. We have a son together. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realized I was so angry and upset towards him that I really did not put in the full amount of effort to save my marriage. He also went through periods of time where he would say some really nasty things to me. And then periods of time where he would beg me to try and work it out. I am extremely stubborn and would not give in. I think it’s hard to make such a big decision when there are so many emotions coming from both sides.

You need to do what is best for you and your child. If this has been a constant problem, who knows if he could change. But would it be worth it (for your child’s sake), to see if counseling or attending church together could help? Then if in the end it still didn’t work out, you would have the closure of knowing that you gave it 100%. I know everyone is different, but it broke my heart that my son couldn’t have both of his parents 100% of the time. You can’t always stay together for the child, but the child still suffers the consequences.

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