- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
I must start by saying that I am a constant worrier and over-analyzer….and I have some major baggage from a past relationship that I thought I was totally over, and I am now realizing that I may not be.
In my mid-twenties I was in a 2 year long live in relationship. At the time I was sure he was the one and that we were going to get married (which I now find to be SO humorous…when we met sure, we were both bartending…out all night etc…but then I GREW UP)
Anyway when he dumped me he told me that all the “i love yous” he had told me for the last 6 months were lies and he was only saying it to avoid confrontation and he had not loved me in a very long time. As you can imagine this messed me up quite a bit (especially when I found out he had been cheating on me with a girl from work (I had quit bartending and got my career job at that point so I did not know her) who interestingly enough he is still bartending with 4 years later and is now married to.
Anyway, the demise of this relationship sent me into a few years of therapy (i developed an eating disorder and was hospitalized). I did have one short lived boyfriend during that time who also cheated on me and we broke up less than a month after he told me he loved me. Other than that I have been single for the last 4 years.
Fast forward to now- I am 30, living on my own, have an amazing career, am at a healthy weight and have felt like I have very positive self-esteem. I met my current bf a few months ago when he had recently become separated from his wife. From the minute I met him I realized I have never had this much in common with someone and we have an amazing relationship. I was hesitant at first due to his recent separation and that I was the first person he met (we met on match…he had only signed up a week before…he had talked to quite a few girls but I was the only one who he liked enough to meet). We talked for a week before meeting, then hung out 3-4 times a week just as friends talking over beers or doing fun activities for 2 weeks before kissing. We kissed and he asked for the divorce the next day.
Anyway that was a few months ago…he has since told me that he loves me…then freaked out a bit and “took it back” (his soon to be ex had tried to come back into the picture and he became confused for a few days) he then came over apologized said he has never missed anyone the way he missed me for the literally 2 days we didnt talk and that he really did love me.
things have been back on track for a month now…i really cannot imagine myself being with anyone else…the problem is…I believe that he loves me, but I also just don’t. I don’t know what else he could do to “prove” it to me….it’s like I feel like I need more assurance…he initiates saying I love you all the time, but if a day goes by that I initiate it and he doesn’t, I worry that he doesn’t. If we spend a night apart (which we usually do once or twice a week) I think he changed his mind and doesn’t love me anymore. He signs his emails “love ya” and I think “why didn’t he say love you…love ya is for friends”
I am dating a good’olde stubborn farm boy (farmer = dream man) so I shouldn’t expect him to be over the top, right? It’s not like he has to say “I love you” a million times every single day to “prove” it, right? He talks about the future a lot like, “if things keep going like they are, I want to build the barn for your horse here.” I also spend a lot of time working on the family farm with him, his dad (who I love) and his mom (who is also great). It is when we are working on the farm that he gets the most lovey-dovey and googly-eyed…because he has always wanted a country girl like me…then we aren’t working the farm and things are “normal” and I get worried.
am I being nutty?