This BM is driving me up the wall

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@futuremrsk18:  That sucks – I’m sorry you’re going through this but you have to stop countering her “this is so expensive” remarks with how much you have spent for other people’s weddings.

It’s not like you spent that much for HER wedding – you’re just making noise when you stay stuff like that.  It doesn’t mean anything to her.  You might think $2500 is the norm and she should be thankful for only spending what she has but money is personal and what you spend is not what everyone else is comfortable doing.

She hates weddings – you knew this – of course it was going to bite you in the butt but she should not have accepted.  I hope, for your sake, she steps down.

Post # 4
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@futuremrsk18:  to be honest I think you handled this all wrong. I can definitely see why she felt slighted. You left her out of dress picking for a dress she is going to have to wear. It wasn’t even an option. You didn’t even consult her about her budget and while that’s not required I think it’s considerate of brides to make sure everyone is comfortable with the amount of the dress. You essentially gave the other girls say and not her. I see why you did that but try and see it from where she sits. You basically let them choose and then still asked her to go to the same salon and try on the dress, just at a later date. To me it seems that makes your original reasoning for her not going on that first trip seem kind of silly since she had to make the trip anyway. So what it looks like is that you purposely didn’t want her to be a part of that BM shopping trip, so that can really come off wrong.

You also mentioned the cost, your wedding is a destination wedding? are they paying their own way to get there? if so its not just the dress. So that’s even more of a reason to have considered their budget.

Post # 5
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

I can totally relate. I have two bridesmaids – my sister who is awesome, and a childhood friend who has been a major pain in the ass. She refused to get the dress (I bought) altered where she lives so we ended up mailing it back and forth despite her inability to measure anything properly (she said it was 4″ too big but when it was taken in that much she said it was inches from being able to zip up) for me to pay for the alterations here. Now she’s claiming it’s too tight (looks absolutely fine) but when I tell her that small adjustments like that need to be made with her there (ie: she has to take it somewhere) she refuses. It’s too inconvenient, it can’t be done, there’s no material left on the seams (there’s tons left) etc. And I’m like 99% sure it fits fine but she just loves to complain. So she’s telling me now that she will bring another dress to change into at the reception. Fine. I’m sure she’ll just spend the entire evening sulking in a corner anyway. 

She was also super wishy washy about booking a flight here. I sent her a couple emails with all the flight options and told her my schedule for the couple days before the wedding and when I could pick her up. That seemed to piss her off and she just ignored the options that worked for me and is now mad that I can’t pick her up from the flight she chose. Ummm, you had like 2 months notice about that. 

Ugh I could go on. Anyway I’m sorry to rant-jack your thread but I do totally understand the pain of an awful bridesmaid! Especially when I (and it sounds like you did too) have done everything possible to be an accommodating non-bridezilla bride. Hopefully they behave like decent adults at the wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@futuremrsk18:  I agree with the pp. Don’t mention what it has cost you to be in other weddings. It’s not relevant to her situation.

If a close friend of mine was behaving like this, I would simply say to her. “I asked you to be a BM , even thugh I knew your feelings about being a BM, because you are one of my closest friends and I wanted your support for the marriage. I do however, need you to make the decision about whether or not you can remain a BM without the negative comments. It’s really draining for me. I will feel just as supported if you choose to attend as a guest. I just want you there.”

Post # 8
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@futuremrsk18:  

 

“It’s just the norm where we come from to spend that much on a wedding.”

I know of no place on earth where how much you’re expected to pay is universal for all of its residents.  So worst case scenario is your BM is being cheap. Ok, fine – and I don’t think she should be saying it’s “disgusting” but you can’t really do much else. Ask her to step down but please, a gracious and generous bride does not point out what’s “normal” for other people to spend on her wedding. 

Post # 11
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Knowing she hated weddings etc from the beginning, I am not sure I would have even asked her to be involved. That would be a red flag for me.

Post # 12
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

@futuremrsk18:  We also do most, if not all, of our conversations by text. I know sometimes it’s hard to interpret words on a screen but I know I need the time to contain my rage at whatever passive-aggressive dig she just made and come up with an appropriate response rather than just replying instantly on the phone or whatever. 

I think in your case I’d hold off discussing anything wedding related with her. I know it sucks to not know if she’s coming or what she’s wearing/changing, but if you give her some space, she’ll either come around or else make a decision to step down. Hopefully!

Post # 13
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@futuremrsk18:  You sound exceptionally entitled.  I live in NYC, honey and I assure you – if I had BMs I would be paying for their dresses.  I don’t have bridesmaids but I have 3 best friends attending my wedding and I’m paying for their hair and makeup and not making them jump through any hoops.  THATS HOW WE DO IT WHERE I’M FROM

Don’t lecture me about where I’m from and what’s normal and please don’t lecture your bridesmaids.  I get the frustration, I do, but it’s obvious she’s got an issue when it comes to money (valid or not) so you can’t really get on her about it.

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@futuremrsk18:  Even if it was only to go try on the dress you picked out, why shouldn’t she have been given the option to go do the same with the other girls? I think if I was in your position and I thought that she wouldn’t have wanted to take the train ride I would not have decided for her and just assumed. I would have simply said something like “so I picked out a dress I really like and i want you girls to try it on to make sure it’s going to work for everyone. BM’s a and b are going on this day will that work for you?” and if not they could have worked together to find a better time. If no time could be worked out then at that point going seperately would have been her choice. It should have always been her choice. The issue I see is that you didn’t give her any option whatsoever or any say, you just decided that you knew what she would do and you went with it. And it turned out you were wrong in how she would feel about it.

As for the cost, there isn’t any reason at all that you shouldn’t have discussed the dress budget with them. all of them. So I would be pissed if, not only did I have zero say in a dress trip and things turned out how they did but I was also being asked to spend more than I was comfortable with and had never been consulted about that.

At this point I hope she steps down for the sake of the friendship. I would if I were in her position. You don’t seem to be treating her with the same respect as the other BM’s.

 

You are the bride. These girls are your bridesmaids but they are your friends first, so saying something like “bridesmaids are just supposed to stfu and be supportive” is just crap. yes they are supposed to be supportive but that doesn’t give you a right to do whatever you want without regard for their finances, feelings, or opinions.

I guess we just won’t agree on this. I do hope things get better for you. Weddings can sometimes change relationships and I hope you two find a way to keep your friendship. Good luck OP. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would be really hurt if I were her. You don’t include her, you act entitled to her money/vacation time, AND then you undermine it even moye by telling her you don’t mind if she steps down? Honestly, I would probably stop being your friend altogether. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors