Post # 1
I’m starting to have some real doubts about my engagement and am considering breaking it off, or at the very least postponing it. There is something my Fiance does that I don’t know if I can handle anymore. Before I do anything though I wanted to get the advice of this board as I keep finding ways in my head to convince myself I’m being irrational… but this behavior of his just doesn’t seem normal… I’ve never had it happen in any of my past relationships.
Here is the problem:
Anytime he finds someone attractive, he makes a statement to me about how he would love to have sex with them. This can’t possibly be normal, correct? It’s so hurtful and disrespectful. I would never and have never said anything of the sort to him in our entire relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s perfectly normal and acceptable for people to be attracted to other people.. but for a Fiance to verbally express it to his wife-to-be?
Please… tell me if my concerns are justified. How would YOU feel if you were in the situation?
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. I would be hurt too and I know I couldn’t handle it. I don’t think that’s normal or healthy and if your hurt by it it’s definitely not okay. I would not stay and let someone hurt me that way.
Post # 4
I have mentioned to him that it hurts me but he just says that he doesn’t really mean it.. yet he continues to say it. I don’t understand why he would think it was okay to say to begin with. I don’t know of anyone else who has to deal with this.
Post # 5
That is definitely not normal. Have you talked to him about how inappropriate this is and how it makes you feel?
Edit: just read your 2nd post. I’d give him an ultimatum.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I don’t understand why anyone would do that- it’s not only hurtful and disrespectful to you, but crude and socially unacceptable. I would not put up with someone like that
Post # 7
@fzesguer: I agree,
Girl I would SMACK the crap out of my man if he said stuff like this to me more than once. Not cool. We joke about celebrities being on our “lists” but thats a lighthearted joke I got from watching F*r*i*e*n*d*s
Post # 8
I just cannot stand it anymore. The whole thing is making me feel very insecure and unappreciated. When I talked to him about it, he simply said that it is his own way of expressing when he finds a person attractive. However, I still don’t fully understand the need to point out other women to your Fiance, attractive or not. I’ve not once pointed out another man.
In all other aspects of our relationship, he is fantastic. But this issue is so hurtful… I don’t know if I can handle it any longer. I don’t think it is wrong of me to want a person to have eyes only for me, or for them to at least be discreet when finding another person good looking.
Post # 9
@followsound: I’m sorry to hear that =/ It really sucks. Frankly, I’d never be engaged with a guy who wanted to have sex with other women. There’s emotional shallowness there and I personally wouldn’t waste my time with a guy like that. If I’m not his one-and-only, I’m moving on, because it’s simply not meaningful enough.
Maybe you should ask him how he’d feel if you were always checking out other guys and saying how you’d love to have sex with them? It might bring a little perspective to him.
However, I’d probably just find someone who respected and loved me more. I’m not very confidant by any means, but I know I’d deserve better than that. It’s not enough for me not to hear about it. If he’s thinking it and wants to act on it, that’s my cue. How do you think things start? Lust. It always starts small. What’s the point if I just “don’t know” about something? So if he goes and makes out with someone, it’s fine as long as I just am not aware? No. I want to know the truth about everything. And if that was how he felt, it’d be a clear sign to me that he’s not worth it, and that he obviously doesn’t feel about me how I’d need a guy to feel about me to be in a serious relationship, let alone marriage. I’d walk.
Post # 10
I’m in an open marriage and even I draw the line here. This may sound a little backwards, but while I can be totally ok with (and enjoy) my Darling Husband actually sleeping with someone else in certain circumstances, I made it clear to him that I don’t enjoy hearing about every random girl on the street he finds attractive. I prefer the illusion that he only has eyes for me most of the time 🙂 He was a little perplexed about where I drew the line, but he respects my feelings on the matter and does not do this anymore.
Your Fiance certainly should be able to.refrain as well. I mean, come on. How important is it to him that he be able to express to YOU that he finds other women attractive? Tell him to think all he likes or share it with a friend, but leave you out of it. It’s absurd if he can’t do that much for you.
ETA: And even he wouldn’t explicitly say he wanted to sleep with a girl, he would just say something like, “wow, she’s hot” or something.
Post # 11
“then why don’t you be single and go do that” would be my answer
my SO makes it a point not to ogle other women out of respect for me, and also for those other women. He would NEVER comment on another woman’s attractiveness to me, and if he ever went as far as to say what your Fiance says to you, I would assume he had absolutely no respect for me or our relationship and it would instantly be over. I can’t believe your Fiance said that ONCE let alone multiple times, and after you told him how it hurts you!!
find yourself a man who isn’t a selfish jerk,because your Fiance has no respect for you or your feelings and sounds like a future cheater
Post # 12
It’s one thing to lust after another woman.
It’s another to act on that lust.
Before SO and I got engaged, we were watching Firefly. We were all snuggled up on the couch and when Kaylee popped on screen, he gave a little grunt and went, “The things I would do to that woman.”
Surely she’s an actress and my beloved SO wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, but I trust him enough to not do anything with anyone else, such as the “hot Russian woman” who hit on him at work once.
Maybe I’m just a freak.
Post # 13
Is your SO around his friends when he makes these comments?
Post # 14
I’m extremly laid back about Fiance and his attraction to other women, were both big flirts and neither have been overaly jealous. We constanly comment on attractive people in front of each other but I would have him problem with him stating that he would like to have sex with someone other than myself. He has joked about having sex with Salma Hayek but that is all I will tolerate
Post # 15
Oh no. I’m so sorry that your feelings were hurt. My SO and I are closer than close and joke and kid about everything, but something as serious as wanting to have sex with a normal person (not a celebrity) is not cool and I could not ever stand and allow him to think so.
Post # 16
He can think it (I think most guys, and probably lots of women see someone attractive to them and have fleeting thoughts like that), but saying it outloud is incredibly disrespectful to you. Even if he just said such things to his friends when you weren’t around would be just as disrespectful.
Personally, I see that behavior, especially in the light that you’ve told him how it bothers you, as a way to make you feel insecure. That is a huge red flag for me, because when a woman feels insecure, she is easily controlled by her partner. I see it as abusive behavior on his part, and i’d be out of there.