we got engaged last year and my boyfriend didn't spend much on my ring. I wasn't expecting him too, as he had only just got a full time job. I loved the ring and thought no more of it.
My dream ring was about 400 dollars more than he spent. He explained that he just didn't have the money.
now a few weeks ago I was clearing out his chest of drawers and found a stash of receipts for around the time he purchased my ring. There was about 800 dollars worth of golf equipment that he had bought. I don't begrudge him spending his own money on that stuff. I just want to know why he hid it from me? Not really sure how I should approach him about lying to me about it.
and to be honest I am a bit hurt that he could just blow 800 dollars over a few weeks on golf equipment and spend a lot less than that on my ring and then lie to me about it.
personally, if that were my husband and I found out he'd spent $800 on golf crap without telling me I'd be P'd off and would definitely confront him. But we have 'our' money not mine & his money. If he is ok with spending his money on golf crap because that's what he likes, then you go spend $800 on upgrading that diamond of yours. Fair's fair. Better let him know first though.
@debbieotoole: hmmmmm, feel sorry for you babe. However you approach him about this there is going to be an argument! Are you expecting some sort of explanation and maybe even that dream ring?
I would be peed off too and would want to know what was going through his head at the time, but just don't expect him to be nice about being confronted. Think carefully about what you want to say before you say it.
On the other hand, if you don't say anything is this going to annoy you so much you get resentful?
Honestly, I'd let it go. FI budgeted a certain amount for my ring, and he has also purchased lots of new expensive toys for himself. I think it gets a little greedy when you tell him that "you spent $x on my ring, but $y on yourself. Why couldn't you spend $x+y on my ring?" It's his money, and if he wanted to buy golf clubs, he should be able to. Also, you don't know how long he may have been saving for those clubs. Bringing this up might only cause problems.
I don't know how I feel about the hiding thing, but it may just be that he feels he doesn't have to tell you about large purchases since you aren't married. FI and I don't share details of every little thing we buy unless it's over a certain amountof money, or coming out of joint finances.
I'd be pissed. Especially because it sounds like he knew what your dream ring was and said he couldn't afford it. I would talk to him, be honest about your feelings.
@debbieotoole: Man that sucks!!! I don't know how to approach it. Personally I'd be more pissed about the hiding it thing and would confront him about that. But before you do, will he ask why you were snooping?? Just something to consider.
To me, honesty is HUGE, so I am very upset when FI lies about anything to me...or "forgets" to tell me something he knows I'd want to know (lie by omission). FI almost never lies to me... that's part of why I picked him, but he has, and I completely get why that would upset you.
He knew you would not agree with the way he spent the money, but instead of manning up to discuss it with you and come to a mutual agreement with the woman he's going to be with for the rest of his life, for better or for worse.... he hid it and lied, like a guilty little boy.
All I can say is that a guy who is not a chronic liar but who has lied can turn himself around, but you gotta point out what a big deal it is to lie to you. Bring down the hammer about him deceiving you. To me that's the main issue... the concealment/lie, that it happened, more than what it was about. It should not happen again.
As for why he made the decision to buy golf equipment when he was saving for the ring? Well, I don't know what was going through his head. Is it possible he wanted to golf in order to network and try to get a promotion? Maybe he was frustrated by not being able to afford more when ring shopping. Or, I don't know, I might be being too generous here with this potential explanation, sometimes people are just selfish and/or impulsive spenders.
You know him best, but listen to his side of things... what decisions did he make and why? Why did he hide it from you? How can you know he isn't hiding anything else and won't do it again in future? He has to realize that you need to be able to trust him at his word.
@parism
i wasnt snooping I was clearing out a chest of drawers next to our bed and they were all in there
I'm not being nasty, but I am going to totally and throughly disagree with the other PPs.
You're lucky he bought you an engagement ring. The only thing you should mention about the golf stuff is that you would like to know when he spends more than $X on something. Just so you know whats going on with the finances. Other then that, leave it alone.
Maybe he wasn't hiding them from you per se. Not volunteering information is not necessarily the same thing as hiding it. (Sometimes it is, but not always.)
I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he is really just that clueless about the level of importance you place on an engagement ring. He really may have thought that the ring just wasn't a big deal. Talk to him, be honest about finding the receipts and how you are feeling, and see what he has to say. Just be sujre to have the talk in a very non-accusatory fashion. Use lots of "I feel" statements so that he doesn't think you are attacking him.
I am not of the mindset that women should just "Take whatever ring he gets you and be grateful for it" if he did not take into account anything other than getting the cheapest ring. Especially if he has no problem spending big money on something he thinks is important. So yeah, that is my opinion on that.
@abbie017: <-- This. I don't know if he necessarily lied to you. Why would you even need to know? You aren't married and weren't even engaged at the time. Also, he did say he didn't have the money to get your dream ring, and that sounds like the truth to me. He may have has X amount in his bank account, but Y amount was already being alocated to his golf equipment so he only had Z amount to spend on your ring. As abbie said, he may have been saving for the golf stuff for a long time.
I'd probably just let this instance go, but I think it would be very beneficial to have a talk on finances before you are married. That way you are both on the same page when it comes to making big purcheses and you don't feel as though he's going to hide stuff from you and vice versa.
@KatyElle: not trying to snark, but if you don't like the ring you can say no to the proposal.
@HelleCat: I agree with this.
An engagement ring is a gift and, although I feel his actions may have been somewhat selfish, he had every right to get you the ring he felt he could afford. The golf equipment was purchased before your marriage, therefore, it's really none of your business what he spent his own money on.
You said you loved your ring and were happy before this.
I'd let this go and not mention anything to him, what good can come of it?
Honestly, I'd be a tad pissed if DH had spent a lot of money on golf clubs instead of my engagement ring but I'd be gnawing his ear off about it.
Tell him that you're disappointed but don't necessarily expect that to mean he upgrades your ring.
If you want an upgrade, buy it. If you feel really evil, buy it and tell him that it's his Christmas present to you. ;)
@HelleCat: I AGREE WITH YOU 1000% a ring is better then NO RING! I mean you can always BUY your own ring. I was happy with whatever MY PARTNER BOUGHT me.
OP, I think you're overreacting and being selfish. Nowhere does your post indicate your fiance hid this purchase from you, nor that he lied; you state that you loved your ring, and that "I don't begrudge him spending his own money on that stuff." He spent his own money on you, and also spent his own money on himself, and none of it ever would have been a problem had you not found the reciept for the golf equipment--- and he's not hidden that, btw, just shoved it into the nightstand, not exactly a secret hiding place.
I really think you need to let this go. Don't confront him about this--- you will only end up looking selfish and childish if you do--- and don't try see how he values your relationship in terms of things. He doesn't love golf more than you, even if he did spend a lot of money on the clubs. Don't be jealous of an inatimate object.
OP - I get you. It sounds like you talked about the ring - you both knew which one your "dream" one was, and for him to not get it for you because he had other bills/debts - awww, he still wants to marry you. he did the best he could on his budget. It's the thought that counts. For him to not get it because something else caught his eye? All of a sudden you got the compromise gift and the thought wasn't even there. He should've waited on one or the other (golf clubs or ring) - I would never tell anyone to push beyond their means, but if he wants to marry you, he should do it to the best of his ability, and it sounds like he can afford to meet your desires.
Maybe it's how i was brought up, but gifting without thought is considered to be just as bad if not worse as not gifting in my family and circle of friends - a gift is to reflect that you thought of the person and their likes and interests - that you've been LISTENING to them, that you know them. how would he feel if he'd been eyeing a tv of x size, and you decided to get him a tv of y size because it's a smidge bigger than your current one, but you couldn't afford the one he wanted because you got new manolos? he'd probably be thinking "eff, now it'll take even longer to save for the one i really want - if she didn't want to spend the money she should've just gotten the new ps3 game or that club bag i've been eyeing"
My mother doesn't wear jewelry below a certain size (ie. 5 mm earrings are her minimum) - she just doesn't like the look of delicate jewelry. So it would be like if i went birthday shopping for her and bought her 2mm earrings because I happened to see a michael kors bag in the window that i wanted to have and that ate up the rest of my birthday shopping budget and then i told her money was tight now and i really wanted to get her jewelry so that was the best i could do. She'd love it for the thought/sentimental reasons, but that thought would be a bit of a fraud. Better alternatives would've been to either wait on the bag, or to switch to a different gift for her altogether, and then get her the earrings for christmas or as a just-because gift when i have more disposable income at-hand. In your case, he could've just taken you to a nice dinner and then gotten you the ring a month later.
Maybe there were extenuating circumstances (eg. his parents reimbursed him for the clubs expenses - they wanted to give him a "congrats you got a job" gift and didn't want to pick out the wrong thing), and if there are, you'll feel better knowing. If there aren't, while I wouldn't rip into him, I would have that conversation about how his actions made you feel, and what you expect going forward. At the end of the day, he can spend his money however he wants, but when it concerns you, he should know what you'd rather (and then feel safe in it). On the bright side, since he clearly didn't put much thought into the ring, it probably doesn't have much sentimental value to him, and he won't be one of those guys who gets upset when you upgrade it :)
If the difference was only $400 I would have offered to split it with him... I would be totally ticked off about the golf stuff! My FI also loves golf, been there done that. But he never spends $800 at a time, especially while complaining he doesn't have money for other stuff! But I think if you bring it up he's going to turn it around that you don't like the right he got you, guys are sensitive about that stuff!
OP: I donto know how long you have lived together, but I would be upset if my FI spendthrift that kind of money without talking to me. But on the other hand, he really mapop have just planned to spend that specific amount on your ring. Remember it is material and you still have a wedding gift coming and many years of marriage you neverknow hisplansinthe future. That's said.
I would talk to him calmly,saying we live together we are to be married, we need to be100% open about financeyou understand this was before the proposal, blah blah... I would just be sure not to make it sound like you are not grateful for what you have. Just worried about future spending.
remember money is a huge sore spot for couples. luckluck
You're not being selfish or unreasonable - I think you're right to be concerned.
If I was buying a ring for my FI, you can bet buying other things would go on hold until I got the most thoughtful ring that I could afford. I would not reason to myself "Well, if I cheap out on the ring, I can get myself some really expensive gear, too". Therefore, I would expect to be treated the same way.
The most concerning part to me is that he hid the golf stuff from you and lied by omission. That tells me he knew he was being selfish. Why hide something that you feel isn't shameful? I think if he genuinely thought everything he did was OK, he would say something like "Honey, I got such a good deal on your ring I had money left over to by some new clubs!". But no, he hid them. And then he lied about "just not having the money" to spend $400 extra dollars to buy you YOUR dream ring.
The lies would be setting me off more than anything in this situation. It's NOT a "just be grateful you even GOT A RING!!!" scenario. Selfishness and lying are huge red flags IMO and I would be working to address those issues right away.
it is his money and he can spend it as he chooses until you combine your finances, but I totally understand why you're hurt. It sounds like your sad thahey oh had to settle for a less expensive ring, then you found out he spent a lot of money on a hobby. I would be hurt too. I would tell him that you eventually want a ring upgrade to your dream ring. And you can boy start saving for it. Both of you are going to need to figure out how you plan to do your finances once your finances once you are married. Sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss my money, your money, and our money and if/how things will change.
I would be upset too! Actually my ex did this except he bought car stuff (his hobby)and did not lie about it. He continued to be a selfish basterd till the end..(he had an affair). Looking back, I never said anything because I did not want to look ungreatful but now I think it was actually a red flag.
I think you need to let it go. He picked out the ring he wanted to propose to you with, he also got to choose how much he spent on it. The ring itself is the symbol of your commitment to one another, the cost has no bearing on that commitment. How he spends his money is his decision, not yours.Sounds like he set a price point for what he was willing to spend on a single piece of jewelry and stuck to it, your dream ring wasn't within that price point.
Yes, it was his money and he had the right to spend it however he chose. But, he could have afforded your dream ring and he decided instead to get you a cheaper ring so he could buy himself something expensive.
He had the right to do it, but it speaks something about his character that he behaved that way.
Well, what do you want to come of that conversation? For him to feel bad about it? For you to get the ring you really wanted? If it's that, just go buy it yourself, and you should have given him $400 back then and insisted. It was his money and he spent it on what he wanted to. I get why you're upset, I would be too, but it doesn't matter now.
Before we got engaged my husband bought: a house, a motorcycle and a BMW. So trust me, it could be worse. He wanted the golf stuff and felt (clearly - rightfully so) that you'd either be upset or wouldn't let him get it, so he got it before he bought the ring. Then he really didn't have that $400 and he wasn't lying.
You have every right to be pissed! He lied to you. I mean, your dream ring was only $400 more than the one you have. In ring world, $400 isnt THAT big of a difference. Especially when he chose to go and buy golf stuff.
So, aside from the golf stuff entirely, I would have been ticked off he didnt wait a little while to come up with $400 to get you the one you really wanted.
But then, to find out he actually did have the money, and went and bought things for himself and settled on your ring...wow. He might be missing a pair of balls by the end of today lol
I'd be pretty upset!! We saw my engagement ring as a big US purchase and we saved for it like we would a new car. We really went without a lot of things we would have liked so I could have the ring of my dreams. I think it's pretty selfish of you FI and he must realize it was selfish too or else he wouldn't have hid those receipts!
I have to say I'm kind of floored by some of these responses.
Just because the OP's fiance had other money to spend on other things doesn't mean he HAD to cut those other purchase and spend it on her. I think it's pretty materialistic and self-centered to say "well the boyfriend should have just done without golf clubs and bought the nicer ring." I think it's really unrealistic to expect that.
It would be a LOT different if he had bought $2000 worth of golf clubs and NO ring at all. But it sounds like he made a budget for each purchase, and stuck to that budget. And there still is no evidence of him lying about anything.
I think if the OP brings this up with her fiance, it is going to open a major can of worms.
Move on, let it go. Although I would definitely suggest that, as the OP and her fiance begin merging finances, each keep their own personal account in addition to funding a joint account. Use the joint account for those things you spend on together: rent/mortgage, food, utilities, vacations, etc. Use your personal accounts for spending on yourself and for the gifts you choose to make.
Whether you are upset because he spent $800 on himself and and therefore you didn't get your dream ring or because he spent $800 on something for himself and didn't tell you I really don't feel that you have any say in the matter unless you're monies are already consolidated into a single account.
If matters like this are already arising you need to communicate the issue right now. Not fight it out or bring up the reason you're upset to him but small things like this lead to bigger problems without communication.
OP, I think you have the right to be a little upset and peeved. I know I would be.
Yes, your BF had the right to save up for his golfing toys, but your dream ring was only $400 extra... I just don't think you can logically compare golf clubs with a ring that someone is going to wear every single day for the rest of her life. And I don't see how it's possible to justify saving $400 on that ring so that you can splurge on recreation toys (vs. a car repair or a medical bill or something really essential).
I don't know that I would say anything to him. But yeah, I'd be a little perturbed. I don't think you're being greedy or materialistic at all. It's your engagement ring for chrissakes! If you do say something to him, wait for the right moment and nicely let him know that you accidentally stumbled on all of the golfing receipts -- don't give him a guilt trip for buying all of that junk -- but instead say something like: "I love the ring you gave me, but I was wondering if we could think about getting the one we originally talked about that is only $400 more."
OR --- is it possible that your existing ring could somehow be customized or upgraded so that it looks like the one you really wanted? For example could you add a new band or diamond accents? My DH proposed with a solitaire and I honestly did not want a solitaire. I asked him if I could find a different setting for the diamond and he agreed. I ended up finding a new setting that I really loved, and we placed the solitaire diamond into it and now I am as happy as a clam.
it's his money, he can do what he wants with it. perhaps he felt like if you were getting the gift of an ering, he should gift himself with golf clubs. that's fair.
if you really wanted the better ring, you should have contributed the $400 and upgraded it together. is there any way that you could do that now? then you will be happy having your dream ring.
@fishbone: No, I totally and completely disagree. Lying is not OK in a relationship. This isn't about the amount of money spent or not spent on the ring or who does or doesn't have the right to buy golf clubs. It's about hiding things, lying, and generally deceptive and selfish behavior.
He didn't ever HAVE to spend the extra $400 to get her the ring she wanted. He chose to give her second-best so he could have his way. You only propose once, you only get one e-ring you wear your whole life. He had all the time in the world to save up money and buy himself whatever golf clubs he wanted at a later time, but he chose instant gratification for himself instead just for this one thing putting his FI first. I think HE is the one who is self-centered.
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