This is a bit of a difficult one… (Please no nasty comments)

posted 1 year ago in Rings
Member
959 posts
Busy bee

personally, if that were my husband and I found out he’d spent $800 on golf crap without telling me I’d be P’d off and would definitely confront him. But we have ‘our’ money not mine & his money. If he is ok with spending his money on golf crap because that’s what he likes, then you go spend $800 on upgrading that diamond of yours. Fair’s fair. Better let him know first though.

Member
358 posts
Helper bee

@debbieotoole: hmmmmm, feel sorry for you babe. However you approach him about this there is going to be an argument! Are you expecting some sort of explanation and maybe even that dream ring?

I would be peed off too and would want to know what was going through his head at the time, but just don’t expect him to be nice about being confronted. Think carefully about what you want to say before you say it. 

On the other hand, if you don’t say anything is this going to annoy you so much you get resentful?

Member
4458 posts
Honey bee

Ask him simple as that….I would be pissed too!

Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Honestly, I’d let it go.  FI budgeted a certain amount for my ring, and he has also purchased lots of new expensive toys for himself.  I think it gets a little greedy when you tell him that “you spent $x on my ring, but $y on yourself.  Why couldn’t you spend $x+y on my ring?”  It’s his money, and if he wanted to buy golf clubs, he should be able to.  Also, you don’t know how long he may have been saving for those clubs.  Bringing this up might only cause problems. 

I don’t know how I feel about the hiding thing, but it may just be that he feels he doesn’t have to tell you about large purchases since you aren’t married.  FI and I don’t share details of every little thing we buy unless it’s over a certain amountof money, or coming out of joint finances. 

Member
453 posts
Helper bee

I’d be pissed. Especially because it sounds like he knew what your dream ring was and said he couldn’t afford it. I would talk to him, be honest about your feelings.

Member
454 posts
Helper bee

@debbieotoole:  Man that sucks!!! I don’t know how to approach it. Personally I’d be more pissed about the hiding it thing and would confront him about that. But before you do, will he ask why you were snooping?? Just something to consider.

Member
6402 posts
Bee Keeper

To me, honesty is HUGE, so I am very upset when FI lies about anything to me…or “forgets” to tell me something he knows I’d want to know (lie by omission). FI almost never lies to me… that’s part of why I picked him, but he has, and I completely get why that would upset you.

He knew you would not agree with the way he spent the money, but instead of manning up to discuss it with you and come to a mutual agreement with the woman he’s going to be with for the rest of his life, for better or for worse…. he hid it and lied, like a guilty little boy.

All I can say is that a guy who is not a chronic liar but who has lied can turn himself around, but you gotta point out what a big deal it is to lie to you. Bring down the hammer about him deceiving you. To me that’s the main issue… the concealment/lie, that it happened, more than what it was about. It should not happen again.

As for why he made the decision to buy golf equipment when he was saving for the ring? Well, I don’t know what was going through his head. Is it possible he wanted to golf in order to network and try to get a promotion? Maybe he was frustrated by not being able to afford more when ring shopping. Or, I don’t know, I might be being too generous here with this potential explanation, sometimes people are just selfish and/or impulsive spenders.

You know him best, but listen to his side of things… what decisions did he make and why? Why did he hide it from you? How can you know he isn’t hiding anything else and won’t do it again in future? He has to realize that you need to be able to trust him at his word.

Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not being nasty, but I am going to totally and throughly disagree with the other PPs.

 

You’re lucky he bought you an engagement ring. The only thing you should mention about the golf stuff is that you would like to know when he spends more than $X on something. Just so you know whats going on with the finances. Other then that, leave it alone.

Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe he wasn’t hiding them from you per se.  Not volunteering information is not necessarily the same thing as hiding it.  (Sometimes it is, but not always.)

Member
5736 posts
Bee Keeper

I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he is really just that clueless about the level of importance you place on an engagement ring. He really may have thought that the ring just wasn’t a big deal. Talk to him, be honest about finding the receipts and how you are feeling, and see what he has to say. Just be sujre to have the talk in a very non-accusatory fashion. Use lots of “I feel” statements so that he doesn’t think you are attacking him.

Member
3909 posts
Honey bee

I wouldn’t be pissed. It’s his money, not mine!!

Member
10016 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I am not of the mindset that women should just “Take whatever ring he gets you and be grateful for it” if he did not take into account anything other than getting the cheapest ring. Especially if he has no problem spending big money on something he thinks is important. So yeah, that is my opinion on that.

 

Member
2384 posts
Buzzing bee

@abbie017:  <– This.  I don’t know if he necessarily lied to you.  Why would you even need to know?  You aren’t married and weren’t even engaged at the time.  Also, he did say he didn’t have the money to get your dream ring, and that sounds like the truth to me.  He may have has X amount in his bank account, but Y amount was already being alocated to his golf equipment so he only had Z amount to spend on your ring.  As abbie said, he may have been saving for the golf stuff for a long time.

I’d probably just let this instance go, but I think it would be very beneficial to have a talk on finances before you are married.  That way you are both on the same page when it comes to making big purcheses and you don’t feel as though he’s going to hide stuff from you and vice versa.

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