Post # 1
So I got engaged on March 17 2010. Our wedding is for 11.11.11. My aunt warned me not to ask my Bridesmaids early and I tried to follow her advice. When I got engaged I knew I had two girls in mind that I wanted to stand up (and maybe two more but I wasn’t sure, so I waited). These two girls were my best friend and my FI’s sister. My best friend is my brother’s girlfriend. They have been dating for about six years so I wasn’t too worried about the whole “if they broke up” thing.
Here is my problem though:
My family has been entirely unsupportive of me in everything I’ve done for years. They are the reason I moved out, etc. And simply because we aren’t as “religious” as they are we feel rejected. It doesn’t help that we live together and that they found out that we have had sex before getting married. My brother, before I moved out, was completely on my side with my views on the family. He told me that as soon as he was out of high school he would move out and go partying, etc. As soon as I moved out, however, he decided that everything I did was wrong and totally shoved me aside like yesterdays trash.
One day I found a quote on his FB that I fell in love with and quoted it on mine. Not a big deal. When he saw it, instead of him being excited that I liked something he had on his FB, he FREAKED out and told me that by putting that on my FB I was making other poeple who went to his conservative republican school think he was on my side about my lifestyle (P.S. I don’t party but because I drink my family thinks I’ve done something wrong. etc) It turns out that the quote he was defending was from Marliyn Manson. REALLY?!?!?! And here is what has really ticked me off. When I tried talking to my BF about it all, because she would often tell me about problems she has or had with my brother, she said she didn’t want to get in the middle of it. And my brother barked at me and said I wasn’t ALLOWED to talk to her about it.
Ever since then I’ve been very frustrated. I feel like not long after I asked my BF to stand up with me she hasn’t been very supportive. I had some issues with my FI and asked her one time about her opinions on the matter and she told me that maybe he wasn’t the ONE for me. What? If you aren’t supportive tell me now and you can be out of the party if you don’t want to be there.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying really hard to mend things with her. But I’m finding it hard to even mention my frustration with her because she generally is shy and tried to be super kind and gentle. I just feel like she suddenly went AWOL on me. My FI doesn’t even want me to have her in the party anymore. I don’t think I can do that though. With all of my famliy issues I wanted to be SURE that everyone who was standing up with me is supporting me 100% and no less. I want to make sure that they are all for my marriage and be up at the altar partying with me.
So ladies, tell me what to do! Would it be appropriate to have a talk with her, see where she stands and if she isn’t supportive tell her she is out? Should I just try to make amends with her and see where it goes? My wedding is pretty far out I know but I just don’t want to get the dresses and stuff started if she isn’t going to be in the party any longer. Sorry it’s so long.
Post # 3
Well that certainly is a sticky situation…..
First.. I’m trying to look at this from a completely unbiased position at all sides…
I personally would try and seek other counsel on your entire family situation and just keep loving them even through their judgement. And don’t get yourself wrapped up in petty strife like the FB comment… just blow it off and don’t let it settle into anger or bitterness.
I think that having your brothers girlfriend as the kind of bridesmaids you’re wanting is probably not going to work well. Even is she is your friend her loyalty is ultimately to your brother.. think about it if you were her and your FI was the brother.
I wouldn’t say her posting the “is he right for you” question is not supporting you… infact alot of times when we’re in love we tend to not see the even major flaws in who we may be picking… not saying she’s right or ANYTHING like that.. just that her caring about you should post the every now and again “snap in the face… are you sure”
If you really don’t think you can mend yours and her relationship to the state you want then maybe you should remove her.. but something I’ve learned is true colors are always shown through strife… from both sides.. in how they react and the decisions they make.
Before making any decisions I would really try and look at everything from every angle and don’t make a decision that your conscience won’t be clear of 😉
Post # 4
Thank you so much for your help. I agree, my family does need counselling. I have just felt so disrespected by them I just don’t even know where to go from here sometimes. I just feel so bad for my FI because if I go to a family function without him they wonder where he is but if I bring him they act like they don’t even want him there. I just can’t win. My parents are the ones that think we need counselling and are being so proud and stuck up that they can’t see beyond our flaws to see how much they are pushing me away.
And yes, I have been really trying to think about things before making a decision. Things change and I don’t want to be hasty or anything and end up ruining a relationship that could turn into something better later on. (My brother is a douche and I don’t know why she is with him but that’s something else entirely) Thanks so much for the help!!
Post # 5
Counselling all together might be helpful.
I learned a few years back that the family unit is like a puzzle and believe or not even when we’re jack up we actually fit the puzzle just as we are… we we change (change shape) we don’t fit the puzzle anymore so there tends to be alot of strife and we either leave the puzzle or change back.
I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with your parents and their views…. BUT we’re supposed love each other even through all of our flaws. Sometimes we all forget that one.
Just keep loving them! be unselfish toward them and just do what you can.. if for no other reason than they’re your parents.
Your mention to your FI not going to family things… I would still go. I’ve had alot of opposition from my FI family but really that just gives me more of a chance to love on them. Let your FI go… act like he knows nothing of their views/disapproval… and just love of them! =)
It really is amazing how situations can change when we stop focusing on our woe’s and just love the people around us…. crap and all… lol
Post # 6
Just with respect to what you should do about her bff – I think you should just wait and see what happens. You don’t want to kick her out just to patch things back up and ask her again. I’d try to not talking about her being in the wedding for now. Just ignore that aspect and see where the friendship goes from here. I think you have so much time before your wedding, and who knows how things will eventually turn out.
Post # 7
Wow. You have a lot going on. I would hope you all can work through this. However, I have learned through experience that it is better to be yourself than to be what your family and friends think you should be. Unfortunately for some of us we have to learn that our differences may exclude of from our families more than we would like. As for me, I would much rather put my foot down and be myself. Take me as I am or leave me alone is what I tell my family and friends.
Post # 8
@runsyellowlites: I know what you mean about the family. It has been very difficult because my family obviously appreciates my brother and not anything I have accomplished. I’m not asking them to agree with my lifestyle of living with my FI (or anyone for that matter) but I think that it is rediculous that my mother refuses to come see me at my apartment because she thinks that means she is supporting our lifestyle. Or that she thinks it’s ok for her to tell me that I’m going to hell, judging me and saying that I have no relationship with God, whatever. She has no clue. And we do everything we possibly can though it’s not good enough.
I, at one point, was working two jobs just to help us out. My FI couldn’t work two jobs because of the range of hours he was working at his job, however my parents decided to tell me that it was so so so wrong that he wasn’t working two jobs, I was. There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s what works for us.
All of this is just the tip of the iceburg. There have been so many many mean things said to me. And EVERY time I try to put it aside, forgive them, and move on, my mom will say thanks for saying sorry BUT……and then go on and on about how terrible of a person I am. I just want to get along. I want their respect. I know in order to get it I have to give it but how do I give if I’m constantly being hurt?
Post # 9
@edisonsgirl: Thank you so much for that. I feel the same way. I could care less what people think of me sometimes and my parents think I’m so so selfish in thinking that. They freaked out because I told my grandma and believe that it’s ok if I wanna say I moved out but I shouldn’t mention that I live with my man. I doubt that they even openly say that I’m engaged. If someone isn’t supportive about how I live then they can just deal, I’m not going to fret about it.
Post # 10
@SweetRose2011: you are welcome. Be strong and stay focused on the love you and your FI have for each other. My family is very negative about almost everything I do. They rarely show support and NEVER offer help unless I practically beg for it. I have learned to depend on myself. Now that I am planning a wedding and I feel like I need their support but I don’t think they are capable. I hope the best for you and your FI.