This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ceemarie7:  I would just talk to him. I totally understand your point and where your coming from. I have this strong moving in before marriage thing , but it just may happen to me I’m kinda shocked I’m not worrying about it as much as I am …maybe because it still months off and nothing is set in stone. However if your serious about something let your guy know. He may be planning something or waiting for time to pass since everyone really thought it would have happen on your vacation. October just came in and from what you posted it could happen before or shortly after and sometimes shortly after for guys can mean a few months. Another option is you said he started payign on it, but not that he has finished. Maybe it’s taking him longer then her thought to pay it off. If you guys went ring shopping in July and took vacation in August then from the vacation it was about a months time and and even up to present about 2 months. Some people may need more time then that to pay off a ring. Good luck with everythign but when couples or a individual in the relationship have a issue my first advice is to talk you dunt need to know a timeline…maybe you do, but atleast you can express to him that you felt strongly on moving in before engagement and why it’s so important to you and see where that convo takes you.  

Post # 4
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@ceemarie7:  Moving in without making any kind of commitment and being wishy washy would not work for me. Is he helping you pay bills? He should be. Chances are he has to cover his own rent but that is his choice…if he is essentially living at your house then he needs to help out.

I absolutely would be setting some boundaries and expectations so he knew that this was not okay with me. If you don’t ask for something to change, then it never will. He is getting away with it now, so why would he stop unless you make him?

Post # 7
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

@ceemarie7:  Please tell him how you feel. I would ask him if he has decided to move in. Feeling uncomfortable is not ok. You last ssentence hit the nail on the head. Ask him if he is or not.

Post # 8
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@ceemarie7:  Maybe you do need to kick him out then! Unless he is ready to commit and get rid of his place, he is just playing house and trying it out. That isn’t fair to anyone but especially you. Don’t let someone use you. Show him you deserve respect and you will get it. 

Post # 9
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Just talk to him! I finally told my SO that by him not making progress on doing the things we talked about doing (for example, proposing) it made me feel like he was unsure of his choice, and that he either needed to start taking REAL action towards that goal, or tell me that he needed more time, but I couldn’t just hang out in this limbo indefinitely. A week later he had told his parents his intention to propose, and a few days later he had called my dad to tell him the same. We now have two sets of family rings in the house and plans to get them sized on my next day off so that he can propose… Not sure how much longer he will leave me waiting, but I feel SO much better just knowing that he is making an effort to work towards our goal of getting engaged.

 

Might not work with your SO, but maybe he has no idea that you feel this way! I’d be willing to bet that he loves you and wants to make you happy, and that if he realized that you were feeling this way he’d want to work on changing the situation, even if it were a baby step to start with. Good luck!

ETA: I see that you say you’ve talked to him; but have you told him how this makes you feel? Telling him you want him to do something, and explaining why this is important to you and how it makes you feel when he doesn’t is very different. Maybe you guys can reach a compromise, like have a slightly longer engagement, or move in now but remove the pressure of getting engaged so soon after that big step? Many men fear change and can only take it in small doses…

Post # 10
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ceemarie7:  I know sometimes when you dun’t say anything to a guy and let things continue on they take it as you accepting it. You said you have told him how you feel about moving in without an engagement. Maybe since he has moved…so it seems you can maybe start the convo by seeing if he thinks he has and let the convo flow into a where do we go from here thing. Let him know that you dun’t want something that is suppose to be a huge step and exciting thing (living together) become a sour taste in your mouth because you are trying to figure out if ther are any more huge steps being put into plans. Let him know that there is a part of you that is uncomfortable with livign together for whatever period of time with a gesture that things are movign forward. Good luck I really hope thigns wrk out and soon you both have what you want a FI sharing and buildin a home with you. 

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

To be fair, July wasn’t really all that long ago. If he is making payments on the ring, then he probably isn’t just jerking you around. If you don’t want him to move in ( which is what he is doing if he is there most of the week ) without engagement, then tell him you aren’t comfortable with it. If this is really more about getting your proposal ASAP, then I would relax and let it go. It sounds to me like it’s coming.

Post # 12
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@MsW-to-MrsM:  +1!  

Additionally-My SO had a roommate situation before we moved in together.  We were def ready to move in, but my SO’s roommate and his GF were not ready to live together yet, because they def had to get engaged first or her family would not support it.  

My point is:  Do you think there is something going on with the roommate situation? Perhaps he doesn’t want to leave his roomie high and dry?  

And just one more though too…..Maybe your SO had reasons for not proposing before (nerves, timing wasn’t right, something went arry on vacation that you don’t know about) and then you come home and your fam is asking to see the ring…maybe he’s a little upset that the surprise has been ruined and he wants to wait for a moment when you are least expecting it.  

Hang in there, bee!Smile

Post # 14
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I know what you mean when you say it feels like the relationahip is going backwards. I don’t have any advice but I know how you feel. 

Post # 15
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ceemarie7:  I think you need to talk to him, I’m sorry to say this but you have been together little more than a year so that might be why he is dragging his feet. Which is actually quite understandable!

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