Post # 1
I’ve been avoiding this site trying to keep my mind off the status of our relationship and just enjoy being together, but I feel so confused right now! To recap very briefly, my SO and I started ring shopping on our 1 year back in July, a week or two later we picked one out and he started paying on it (he doesn’t know I know he’s been paying on it, he left a receipt on the night stand and I pretended not to see it.) He also told me he would be moving in by the end of August, he also told his roommate, the rest of his friends, and his parents this was the plan. We agreed we wanted to be engaged before or shortly after moving in together and that he wanted to let my parents know he was planning on proposing and that we were moving in together before we just did it. We went on vacation toward the end of August and when I came home and everyone asked to see the ring (with me not even mentioning we might be getting engaged soon), I seemed to be the only one okay with it not happening on vacation because it would be happening soon!
Well, now it is October and my SO just doesn’t seem to be making any effort to officially move in or talk to my parents! The part that frustrates me is that I can ‘t remember the last time my SO spent the night at HIS house! This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen! I refuse to live together casually and that is what we are doing! I’ve tried to express how this makes me feel and he just apologized and says sorry if it seems like he is dragging his feet, it will happen soon.
What do I do bees? At this point, I can’t tell him to start staying at his house. I guess I just wish he wouldn’t have told me he was ready to move in, etc. if he wasn’t or if he would communicate what is going on if he is ready to move in but just isn’t able to do so right now.
Thanks for letting me vent and sorry for the typos, my phone does not like cooperating with this site!
Post # 3
@ceemarie7: I would just talk to him. I totally understand your point and where your coming from. I have this strong moving in before marriage thing , but it just may happen to me I’m kinda shocked I’m not worrying about it as much as I am …maybe because it still months off and nothing is set in stone. However if your serious about something let your guy know. He may be planning something or waiting for time to pass since everyone really thought it would have happen on your vacation. October just came in and from what you posted it could happen before or shortly after and sometimes shortly after for guys can mean a few months. Another option is you said he started payign on it, but not that he has finished. Maybe it’s taking him longer then her thought to pay it off. If you guys went ring shopping in July and took vacation in August then from the vacation it was about a months time and and even up to present about 2 months. Some people may need more time then that to pay off a ring. Good luck with everythign but when couples or a individual in the relationship have a issue my first advice is to talk you dunt need to know a timeline…maybe you do, but atleast you can express to him that you felt strongly on moving in before engagement and why it’s so important to you and see where that convo takes you.
Post # 4
@ceemarie7: Moving in without making any kind of commitment and being wishy washy would not work for me. Is he helping you pay bills? He should be. Chances are he has to cover his own rent but that is his choice…if he is essentially living at your house then he needs to help out.
I absolutely would be setting some boundaries and expectations so he knew that this was not okay with me. If you don’t ask for something to change, then it never will. He is getting away with it now, so why would he stop unless you make him?
Post # 5
I guess I don’t know what boundaries to set. You got exactly how I feel though! He doesn’t pay bills, becaus he does pay his own rent, but he does do a lot around the house to help out in addition to paying for groceries, things for the house, any dates, eating out, or out of town trips. I am starting to think I should charge him rent though because his second car is parked in my garage, he does all his laundry, showering, cooking/eating here and now he has set up all his shows to record on my DVR. For all purposes he is living with me and I don’t know how to set boundaries without him feeling like I’m kicking him out… I was okay with everything going on because I thought he was moving in, but now that he hasn’t I don’t know how to go back.
Post # 6
This is something we have talked about many times and very detailed. He knows how important it is to me and I’ve told him “shortly after” cannot mean months. Also, I know it has only been 2-3 months, but money isn’t the issue. It just seems he has gone from making it his #1 priority to not a priority at all. Maybe I am wrong and like you said he is waiting for some time to pass or has something planned.
I will try to talk to him again, I just don’t know what to say without making it sound like I need space or a break from him, etc. Maybe I can be blunt and just say, either you’re living here or you aren’t.
Post # 7
@ceemarie7: Please tell him how you feel. I would ask him if he has decided to move in. Feeling uncomfortable is not ok. You last ssentence hit the nail on the head. Ask him if he is or not.
Post # 8
@ceemarie7: Maybe you do need to kick him out then! Unless he is ready to commit and get rid of his place, he is just playing house and trying it out. That isn’t fair to anyone but especially you. Don’t let someone use you. Show him you deserve respect and you will get it.
Post # 9
Just talk to him! I finally told my SO that by him not making progress on doing the things we talked about doing (for example, proposing) it made me feel like he was unsure of his choice, and that he either needed to start taking REAL action towards that goal, or tell me that he needed more time, but I couldn’t just hang out in this limbo indefinitely. A week later he had told his parents his intention to propose, and a few days later he had called my dad to tell him the same. We now have two sets of family rings in the house and plans to get them sized on my next day off so that he can propose… Not sure how much longer he will leave me waiting, but I feel SO much better just knowing that he is making an effort to work towards our goal of getting engaged.
Might not work with your SO, but maybe he has no idea that you feel this way! I’d be willing to bet that he loves you and wants to make you happy, and that if he realized that you were feeling this way he’d want to work on changing the situation, even if it were a baby step to start with. Good luck!
ETA: I see that you say you’ve talked to him; but have you told him how this makes you feel? Telling him you want him to do something, and explaining why this is important to you and how it makes you feel when he doesn’t is very different. Maybe you guys can reach a compromise, like have a slightly longer engagement, or move in now but remove the pressure of getting engaged so soon after that big step? Many men fear change and can only take it in small doses…
Post # 10
@ceemarie7: I know sometimes when you dun’t say anything to a guy and let things continue on they take it as you accepting it. You said you have told him how you feel about moving in without an engagement. Maybe since he has moved…so it seems you can maybe start the convo by seeing if he thinks he has and let the convo flow into a where do we go from here thing. Let him know that you dun’t want something that is suppose to be a huge step and exciting thing (living together) become a sour taste in your mouth because you are trying to figure out if ther are any more huge steps being put into plans. Let him know that there is a part of you that is uncomfortable with livign together for whatever period of time with a gesture that things are movign forward. Good luck I really hope thigns wrk out and soon you both have what you want a FI sharing and buildin a home with you.
Post # 11
To be fair, July wasn’t really all that long ago. If he is making payments on the ring, then he probably isn’t just jerking you around. If you don’t want him to move in ( which is what he is doing if he is there most of the week ) without engagement, then tell him you aren’t comfortable with it. If this is really more about getting your proposal ASAP, then I would relax and let it go. It sounds to me like it’s coming.
Post # 12
Additionally-My SO had a roommate situation before we moved in together. We were def ready to move in, but my SO’s roommate and his GF were not ready to live together yet, because they def had to get engaged first or her family would not support it.
My point is: Do you think there is something going on with the roommate situation? Perhaps he doesn’t want to leave his roomie high and dry?
And just one more though too…..Maybe your SO had reasons for not proposing before (nerves, timing wasn’t right, something went arry on vacation that you don’t know about) and then you come home and your fam is asking to see the ring…maybe he’s a little upset that the surprise has been ruined and he wants to wait for a moment when you are least expecting it.
Hang in there, bee!
Post # 13
Bees, I wanted to thank you for giving me the motivation to talk to my SO again. It has been an ongoing argument/discussion for the last week.
For those making the suggestions about his roommate or the money, I know for a fact it isn’t about those things.
When I asked why he hasn’t moved in, he made so many excuses, blamed me for it, etc. etc. etc…. In the end it came down to he hasn’t moved in because he just hasn’t and he doesn’t know why. He says he still wants to move in, but he wouldn’t commit to a future date either.
This past week has revealed a lot of communication problems in our relationship. I still have a lot of questions and I don’t think he is taking how I feel seriously or that I feel like he lied to me and told me he was moving in when he wasn’t ready. Today I told him that I don’t think we should see each other until he is ready to talk to me instead of just saying okay, I don’t know, soon, or feeling like I’m attacking him or trying to start an argument.
I’m just so confused, I thought our relationship was heading toward the next step months ago and now I feel like it is going backwards… It was HIS idea to go ring shopping… it was HIS idea to move in at the end of August… Honestly, I think he got all excited but now he is scared to commit, either to me or in general.
Post # 14
I know what you mean when you say it feels like the relationahip is going backwards. I don’t have any advice but I know how you feel.
Post # 15
@ceemarie7: I think you need to talk to him, I’m sorry to say this but you have been together little more than a year so that might be why he is dragging his feet. Which is actually quite understandable!
Post # 16
Thanks again for everyone who has commented! I really appreciate the support and advice. It is hard to talk to people about this kind of thing in real life without it changing their perspective on your SO or your relationship.
I am happy to say we did work things out on Thursday night. I finally made him realize how big of a deal all of this is to me and got him to take me seriously. He admitted his lack of communication and that anything that he viewed as “nagging” was probably just my frustration with this. We agreed to work together on how we communicate with each other, he committed to moving in, and we created a realistic timeline together. Oddly, I’m so happy all of this happened