(Closed) this is excactly how i feel ‘love’ but not ‘in love, advice please

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Honestly, while I do believe relationships go through changes and they need to remain flexible, I also think if you are having anxiety and doubts like you have expressed this may just not be the right relationship, or the right time.

No one, including your BF, should have to “convince” you that this is “right for you”. I actually feel a bit concerned he is trying to talk you out of your feelings, even if that means a divorce down the road as it is “a risk worth taking”! Divorce is a reality but that certainly is NOT an attitude I would want to take into a marriage.

I have had relationships that were “comfortable”, but there is a reason I did not marry them and waited until I met a man who is not only my best friend and who I love deeply, but also is someone I feel very passionate and “in love” with. It IS possible to have both, and not have to settle for one or the other. My husband and I have an amazingly strong, authentic, connected and wonderful relationship. I also feel incredibly blessed to be with him and he still knocks my socks off all the time.

Just because someone is “great on paper” does not not mean they are “great for you”. Nor does it mean you need to marry someone just as they want to marry you! I also think perhaps you are feeling a little more pulled and uncertain as he is your first serious relationship and you may be a bit uncertain or fearful as to “what else is there”.  I believe the right timing is very important, as important as meeting the right person, and maybe you just are not there yet but are worried that if you do move on…you will lose him. And perhaps you will, but that does not mean there is not more out there for you.

This is not to say that no one may be happy with making a choice like you are asking about, just that it would not have worked for me.  Personally, I do think it is problematic to marry someone unless you are 100% on board with marrying them, excited about them being your life partner, and can no longer imagine being without them as your life partner (even if you are an independent adult being!).

 

Post # 4
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I agree, I think if you are having doubts and anxiety thinking about marrying your boyfriend, you shouldn’t dismiss that. Don’t let him pressure you to take a step in your relationship that you’re not 100% ready for.

Post # 5
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You sound just like myself, so I’ll throw in my two cents. I’m also a very indecisive person and struggled for many months before deciding to marry my fiance. When I first met him I fell in love like a crazy person, and I’m still very much in love with him. Even with that, I had a hard time making a decision. I’m moving to another country to be with him, away from my family, so that had a lot to do with difficulty of my decision. However, I think I would still have been indecisive, because this is a life-altering decision.

Although many people say that they “know” they’re marrying the right person, there are also people who need to think over these decisions. I don’t think that means you’re with the wrong person. Some people just need to sleep on it, even for many many many nights. Although I can’t say for certain whether I’m making the right decision, I can say that I’m making the best decision based on the information I currently have.

I need to mention one more thing. With my previous boyfriend, I felt just like you. We had a very pleasant relationship, but it was lacking passion. It was a concern of mine every once in a while, but nothing was particularly wrong with that relationship. I also knew that I was capable of having a passionate relationship, because the relationship before that was definitely passionate. In hindsight, though, I’m not sure if I’d say “I dodged a bullet with that one”. It’s a path that I didn’t take, but I think I would have had a good life even if I did. 

This is a really important decision, so take your time. I agree with previous posters that you’re the only person who can decide this, not your boyfriend. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel like it doesn’t sound like you should marry him because you aren’t sure about it and I do think that you need to be sure and it seems like you may need to have more life experiences with dating and love.

About marrying someone without the spark and passion it all depends on how you love. If you find the passion important and necessary then you need it. I’m a very pragmatic person and I am passionate and love our relationship based on our relationship not based on a sexual spark (which I assume is what you are talking about). You need to have a good sex life but how that sex life functions is up to you as a couple

Post # 7
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just wanted to add that reading the book “Will Our Love Last” by Sam Hamburg really helped me.

Post # 8
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Every relationship is different. For some people it is normal to have sex every day of the week and than I have seen posters on here mentioning that they barely have sex once a month and is something wrong with them as a couple- yet it doesn’t bother either party.

I personally wouldn’t marry this man if I felt as you did about the relationship BUT other women just look for security and the comfort of having someone around. The choice is yours ultimately (of course!), but it sounds like you know something is missing and better to move on now than later on when children are involved.

Post # 9
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was in a relationship just likes yours, with my ex of 5 years. He wanted to get married, but I was reluctant. I loved him very much, but I knew that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore. I ended up breaking up with him, because I knew that I shouldn’t marry someone that I wasn’t completely in love with. It wouldn’t have been fair to him.

Now, three years later, I am engaged to an absolutely phenomenal man. I can honestly tell you that I am head-over-heels, madly in love with him. I cannot imagine my life without him ever, nor would I ever want to.

I thank God every day for giving me the strength to leave my past relationship, and for helping me find what true love really means.

Don’t ever settle for anything less than amazing.

Post # 10
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Remember that you will not be head over heels in love all the time.  There is a stage where it’s all butterflies and excitement and that eventually fades until the real thing.   Sometimes you lose a spark (happens to the best of us) and it can be rekindled.  

Can you imagine life without him?   Can you imagine having children, growing old?   Can you rely on him and do you want him relying on you?   How would you feel if he changed his mind and decided that he didn’t want to marry you afterall, because you didn’t seem to be on the same page?  Relief?   Sadness?

I hate to see you miss something because you aren’t getting those Hollywood fireworks, but if you are not feeling it anymore, it needs to be looked into deeper.

Post # 11
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would never marry somebody I felt that way about, sounds like you may be just settling.  I am 100% IN LOVE with my FI… I still get butterflies and get excited to see him even though we have been dating each other for 3 years and knew each other 11 years prior to dating!!  We are past the honeymoon stage but I am completly In LOVe with my FI!

Go with your gut, this guy is not THE guy for you.  It may be time to move on…. once you do find that guy you are IN LOVE with you will realize and be so happy that you decided to move on…. NEVER SETTLE 🙂

Good Luck

Post # 12
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

From reading your post your anguish over this situation is clear, hugs to you because I know how frustrating that can be. This is one of those situations where you can’t rationalize your way to a decision. If you have doubts like what you are describing then you probably already know your answer to the question.

Having said that and to answer what you asked, I would not compare my relationship with my husband to the way romantic relationships are often portrayed in movies (Pride and Prejudice, The Notebook, etc). Although I love those movies, to me, they are fantasy and my relationship is based in the real world. I know I could live a happy life if I wasn’t married to my husband, it’s just that I don’t want that life. I want this happy and joyful life, which he is a part of and I look forward to living the rest of our lives together. We do have passion and romance in our relationship, but I would say our foundation is also based on mutual respect and a comfortable affection.

The bottom line is, if you need something different out of your relationship then marriage is not the best choice right now. You know if it’s worth trying to bring more passion and romance into your relationship or if you need to move on for your sake and the sake of your BF (he deserves to be with someone who wants the same things out of a relationhip too). Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly…I don’t have the ‘passion’ with my FI that I did with my ex. I also had that ‘desperate’ kind of love for my ex that I don’t have with my current FI…as I’ve got older I realised that our relationship was dysfunctional because I felt like that. Whatever Fi and I ‘don’t’ have, I know I love my FI more. I would far rather marry him than anyone else despite the fact that the ‘passionate’ side of things are in some ways not there.

In other words, passion doesn’t mean you love someone more. Every relationship works for different reasons… wondering whether what you have is enough is a big red flag though. To get married, you have to be sure. I really don’t mean to sound patronizing but if you’re only early 20’s it is very young to be looking into marriage. I don’t know you so I can’t say, but I didnt understand what I really needed in a relationship until I was heading towards 30.

There’s just no real reason to rush into marriage. You can continue your relationship as it is and see how it develops as you both grow…

Hope you make a decision you’re happy with x

Post # 14
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My parents had the kind of relationship you describe. Comfortable, companionable, easy, affectionate but not passionate. It worked great and they had three children and were very happy for many years. But it ultimately fell apart when they both decided (in their own ways) that it wasn’t enough to sustain them for the rest of their lives.

I personally would never have married if I didn’t feel both kinds of love in great measure. To me, divorce is just too painful and too messy and too much of a risk, and a marriage that’s just good enough not to leave is perhaps even scarier. My biggest fear when thinking about marriage was the prospect of looking back 25 years from now and cursing myself for having thrown away the best years of our lives on something that didn’t work out. Obviously things happen and people change and you can’t ever predict outcomes with certainty, but you’re not doing yourself or your SO any favors in the long run by contemplating this marriage unless you truly feel that he’s as good a partner as you could ever hope to find.

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