Post # 1
But I can’t actually rant. I just cry. I’ve spoken to him, but nothing. He’s stopped talking about commitment, a family. Not everything, he’ll still tallk about finances and vacations. But “us” as an entity, I feel so alone. It feels like we’re further than ever from being engaged/married. It’s tearing me apart. I don’t know if I’ve reached my limit. I’ve thought about leaving, but that’s not what I want. I want to be with him AND be married to him. When I think about not being with him I get so upset. But marriage is super important to me and I feel like he’s flogging me over and over and over and over with a rattan cane when he makes no commitment.
Post # 3
@ladyartichoke: I had a break down myself the other night. All I did was lay in the shower crying.
Just tell him how important it is to you. i know and understand your sadness. I pray your SO jumps on the band wagon soon!
After me looking like I was crying I think my SO purposefully allowed me to catch him talking on the phone with my dad so that i would at least know he is doing something. I am very thankful for that cause I was beginning to not care about any of it, and becoming numb.
Post # 4
I am sorry for your situation . It is very hard to have made a choice to love someone and not feel like it is returned. I have been there in a few other relationships. I am new to this website, just a question-do you have a walk date? Maybe that would help…Before I became a member I was like “I don’t think I can do that” and as I have become more anxious about my age and my relationship I’ve found it to be quite empowering.
I hope you feel better!
Post # 5
@katy13: I’m glad it’s not just me!
@veryberry13: I thought I did have a date but I don’t think I could go through with it. He knows I wont wait longer than 5 years. We’re not yet at three. I half think I might let three be it (in May) but as I say, I couldn’t leave.
I’ve wanted to wirte a response to thank you both but haven’t known what to say. Weddingbee can be great but sometimes it makes the waiting harder. I did ask him outright “Do you ever want to get married to me?” He said yes, it’s not the timeline I want (or thought we were on) but just knowing that he wants the same thing helps.
Post # 6
@ladyartichoke: I’m sorry if you feel like I’m being insensitive, but if your engagement or lack thereof is causing so much angst and it’s gotten to the point where you’ve considered leaving him: why not propose to him? I think you both need to have a serious think about what you want from this relationship and then an honest chat. Trying to force him to propose to you is NOT a good idea, as I’m sure you’re aware. If he rejects your proposal then at least you can say you tried.
Post # 7
I really hope this doesn’t sound stalkerish, but a) I love your screen name and b) I remember you’re the same age as me, so I’ve read a few of your posts in the past and I know you’ve moved a long way to be with your BF. Is it at all possible that he’s waiting for a perfect moment (say your 3 year anniversary) or is he just stalling? Honestly though I think you have made a lot of sacrifices for him and been really supportive moving for him, and maybe he needs to start honouring what you want a bit more, especially as he knows how much it means to you. I also really hope that you’re fulfilling your own dreams in whichever country you are. If you did leave, would you stay where you are or move home? Leaving sounds like it would be a heartbreaking and scary decision but it may make you happier in the long run if he doesn’t respect you or your feelings (not saying this is necessarily the case – for you to think about). Without knowing very much about your relationship, I’d probably wait until your anniversary and then think about moving on. I think that’s enough time for him to know if marriage is what he wants and especially since he’s already asked your dad’s permission I think waiting for any longer to ask you would just be dragging it on unnecessarily and I’d view it as him stalling.
Hoping that it all turns out the way you want it to.
Post # 8
@BridieBea: You’re right. All that’s stopping me is that I know him proposing is important to him. But if the time to leave does come, I feel like I owe him some warning, but that will come across as an ultimatum, in which case should I just up and go? I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, or pressure him into anything he doesn’t want.
@Audrey2: Thank you! I actually really appreciate that you can see the bigger picture. Even I struggle with that sometimes.
Yes, I moved a long way, different continent, different timezone, different everything. I threw out half my wardrobe because the climate is so different! I picked up my whole life and moved, and there’s not much for me to go back for. I tied up a lot of the loose ends but I worry the longer I stay here the more I’ll alienate myself from the UK and if he ends up not having any intention of us getting married then I’ll end up basically doing what I’m doing now (starting from scratch) all over again. Right now if I were to leave, I’d go back to the UK and that would be hard. But we’re known as a couple here so staying would be tough too. I’ve never been the sort of person to say “I did this for you, why can’t you do this for me” but it’s getting harder and harder.
Work-wise I’m better off here, definitely, and I love our lifestyle but that’s superficial when I can’t stop focussing on that one thing (feels pathetic). I think he’s stalling, when I mentioned it once before he said something like our life has taken a different course by moving. We already said we didn’t want to raise kids here and I think that that has made us living here seem less permanent to him, and I feel like we’re stuck in time. Almost like he doesn’t seem to realise that life goes on.
Maybe him asking my Dad has given me false hope. I just don’t know and I hate pressuring him to talk about it. I’m still young and I’m in no rush so sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to, it just feels like the right time for us for that “next step”.
Sadly, our friends from here just announced they are separating. It’s early days and I don’t know whether they’ll reconcile but they’ve admitted that, amongst other things, the move here (they’re also expats) put unnecessary strain on their relationship. I know every relationship is different but that’s another thing making me question what’s going on with us.
*sigh* thanks for reading.
Post # 9
@ladyartichoke: Hmm. I haven’t replied for a few days and I still don’t really know what advice would be most helpful to be honest. I completely understand why you want to commit and take that “next step”. That’s important to me too. Just reading your post, it sounds to me as though your BF may have wanted to focus on other things while moving and starting a new job, but he may now be adjusting to your new lifestyle and his priorities/wants may have changed. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him about whether he still thinks marriage is in your near future? Normally I would worry that sort of thing could be pushy. But the thing is, since he asked your dad’s permission I feel he owes it to you to tell you what’s going on. I personally think it’s really unfair of him (disrespectful, even) both to you and to your family to take such a big step and then leave you hanging. To me, once you ask permission that means you’re going to propose within a month MAX. More like the next day. Maybe his feelings about it have changed, maybe he’s waiting for a better/perfect time etc, but I do think he owes you an explanation as to why it hasn’t happened yet and whether he’s serious about marrying you. If he is, why the delay?
On the other hand, if you really trust him, maybe you need to have faith and try to enjoy your relationship for what it is. I don’t know.
Does he respect you? Support and encourage you? Make you happy every day? I think these are some things you should think about. I know it sounds cheesy but I am so happy waking up next to FI every day.
It’s a shame your friends have split up. I can imagine that moving together to a new country is quite intense for a couple and it could well be “make or break” stuff. Perhaps taking this big step of moving together is making both you and your SO re-evaluate your relationship?
Keep us updated.
Post # 10
@Audrey2: I’m away for work at the moment so I haven’t been on lately.
Yes my SO respects me and has been very supportive and encouraging of my endeavours, sometimes more enthusiastic about them than I am. He is keen for me to forge a career for myself and I know he worries that he has held me back by bringing me here.
I am happy and contented in our relationship. Being away this week has made me realise how empty and unfulfilled my life would be with out him. But he is / has been work focussed and apologises often for it both because he may have to work long hours and also because it has affected our sex life (he’s always thinking about work and can’t relax).
(I didn’t say in my previous post that the couple I mentioned are married so their split was unexpected.)
Bleh, there’s more to say but I can’t get it into words. Thanks for your support.
Post # 11
@ladyartichoke: Perhaps he’s focused on work right now and he’s waiting for a better time when things are less crazy?
It sounds to me like you might be a little lonely with him being very busy, as well as the waiting. I think Skype chats home are the answer, and going out in the new country!
What you’re saying about your relationship sounds good. I’m glad being away for a while is reminding you what you have! I say give it some more time 🙂