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This is really hard...

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
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    1.
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    Busy bee
    CHK    July 10, 2010   Northern Idaho

    I'm sorry to (maybe vent) about this, but I'm really quite upset today. Boyfriend and I are struggling to prioritize our summer, and compromise to make time so that we both get to do the things and go the places that are important to us. Its just really really hard to do.

    Like most people, Boyfriend and I have a really packed summer. For example, I can tell you exactly what I'm doing for the next 10 Saturdays. I have a conference this weekend. The last two weekends of June are double booked, one with a friend's wedding/ friend visiting (who doesn't know the bride and groom so isn't involved with the wedding) combo, the next with a friend/ Boyfriend's father visit combo. Then comes the 4th of July, then a cousin's wedding, then guys fishing trip. I'd like to spend the last week of July at the lake, before we have friends staying with us the first weekend in August. The second weekend of August is free, but the weekend after that I'm in a wedding, and the weekend after that another friend is coming to visit us. Then its August 29, and the weekend after that is Labor Day.

    And I'd really like to have an engagement party at the lake over Labor Day weekend, since its geographically a central meeting location for us, my family, and his family. And since he's determined that we can't get married at the lake. Then again, I look at that schedule and wonder when in the hell he's even going to have time to propose?!

    I'm so upset, I think mostly because we're having such a hard time compromising on this. And because I tried to bring this up in March before things got crazy and he didn't think it was a big enough deal to talk about. We usually communicate really well, but clearly we dropped the ball on making our summer what we wanted it to be, not what other people's weddings/ visits forced us into.

    I sound ungrateful that so many people are taking the time and spending the money to come see us. Really, I don't mean to. I'm just so overwhelmed about it, and sad that apparently we didn't communicate well enough to have the summer we wanted to have.

    Can anyone give me advice on how to get through this with him? Gosh, I'm seriously close to tears about wether or not I get to spend time at my parents lake place this summer! I feel silly, but really am upset!

     
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    suza    August 28, 2009   Vienna, VA

    Holy Cow! You do have a packed summer. While it is a tough schedule, it's awesome that you have so many fun events planned. Don't forget to take a little time for yourself - if you can find it.

    If I'm understanding correctly(?) your boyfriend hasn't yet proposed and you want him to propose at an engagment party at the Lake House with everyone around. (I could be completely off the mark here). But if I'm right, my thought is perhaps he's not comfortable with that and maybe he's planning a big surprise to pop the question. That could be why he's so elusive about nailing down some concrete plans? Just a thought. Maybe give it a day or two then bring it up again. Hang in there!

     
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    Sugar bee
    ddubzz    June 5, 2010   Los Angeles, CA

    Wow, that's some schedule you have (I thought mine was bad)!  I'm not fully understanding what the problem is here, other than the fact that maybe you need to take some time for yourself (like @suza says).  Why do you need to schedule time for a proposal??  Isn't that up to your boyfriend?  He may have some ultra romantic idea for a proposal already and just wants it to be a surprise.  I think you may be overthinking this whole thing.  Let things roll on their own, and everything will work out in the end.  Things like a marriage proposal shouldn't be penciled into your calendar... IMO, the best ones are the spontaneous, unexpected ones!  :)

     
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    LondonSpring      

    Honestly?  If I were you, I'd be happy that my biggest problem is having a jam-packed summer with (what seem like) very fun events with friends and family, and I'd stop worrying about how to plan my engagement party until I was actually engaged!

     
    Sorry if that seems harsh, but I really don't see what the problem is here.  If you intend to marry this man, you will have much bigger issues to deal with than this.  I'm sure things will calm down after Labour Day.

     

     

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    LondonSpring      

    Labor Day, sorry.  British :)

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    Busy bee
    CHK    July 10, 2010   Northern Idaho

    Oh I agree! A proposal should come when he's ready and in his own time and place. I'm really, really trying to not put pressure on him. In fact, I make it a rule with myself to not talk about it unless he brings it up.

    Ideally (if I were in charge This is really hard... :  wedding waiting scheduling Icon Wink) we'd be engaged by mid-July, and have an engagement party at the lake over Labor Day weekend. I definatley don't want him to do it in front of anyone else, I'm a pretty private person and want that moment for just us.

    I guess the problem is, really, that we have so much scheduled with other people, that I'm afraid that there is no time for just the two of us this summer. Where in that schedule is there even time for a romantic weekend!? With my college friends sleeping in the guest room? It makes me a little sad.

    Anyway, thanks for the responses. Please keep giving me advice on how to just chill out!

    Thanks!

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    Blushing bee
    southernbella    07/18/2009   Charlotte, NC

    You can plan to hold the engagement party after you are engaged. I'd consider the possibility that a proposal is a matter of "if" more than "when".

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    rosie4502      

    I agree with the posters above.  It sounds like you have a lot of fun things planned this summer. You don't know what his plans are and you should STOP trying to figure them out or schedule them nicely into your life.  What if he has something big planned during one of your trips?  

    My friend got proposed to during a cross country road trip.  So you just never know.

     
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    LondonSpring      

    Well, from the sound of it, you don't actually have any plans for the weekends of 4th July, last weekend of July, second weekend in August, 29th August, or Labor Day, so that's plenty of time to spend with your boyfriend.  And I'm guessing that you'll be going to at least of those weddings together.  Then there's weekdays as well.  I'm sure you'll have more time together than you think.  Plus a lifetime of summers together.

    And I'd really try to put the 'ideal' proposal timetable out of your mind if I were you.  You'll most likely just stress yourself out, and then be disappointed come Labor Day when it hasn't happened.  You never know, he could propose on a Tuesday morning over coffee, and it would still be the most romantic moment of your life :)

    Just enjoy the time you do have together - it's more than a lot of people get, and at least it's doing fun things, rather than say, working every weekend.

     
    10.
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    Worker bee
    BW4606      

    CHK, it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed because you've just realized that you're a little overcommitted this summer.  Is it possible to reschedule some of these visits for another time, or to have everyone come up at the same time to avoid perpetually hosting people?  Also, unless you're going out of town for them, all these weddings are realistically only one night out of the weekend, and you will be spending that time with your boyfriend (and besides, aren't weddings supposed to be love-filled and romantic events?).  

    If you're feeling like you've been pushed into giving up your free time this summer, be assertive and reschedule things as best you can to give yourself a little more breathing room. 

     
    11.
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    Buzzing bee
    ribbons    June 12, 2010  

    I'd say back off the idea of an engagement party. Enjoy your summer and stop trying to "plan" your engagement. You're going to wind up disappointed; either when he does propose during your timetable and afterward you feel like it was forced, unromantic, etc or, when he doesn't propose within your timetable.

    If you want to have a party, have a party. But with your summer as regimented as it is, let this one thing, the proposal, happen on its own. 

     
    12.
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    Sugar bee
    Kittyachi    August 2010   New York

    I bet you he's got something planned and is trying to keep it a total surprise. Just chill and enjoy the time you'll get to spend with friends and family this summer! It will be fine. And, yeah, forget about planning the engagement party right now.

     
    13.
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    Busy bee
    CHK    July 10, 2010   Northern Idaho

    I really, really appreciate all of your advice and comments. I think part of my lake-engagement-party-over-Labor-Day-weekend angst is tied to the fact that I haven't really given up on the idea of getting married at the lake, although Boyfriend is dead set against it. Its the only place I've ever dreamed of getting married, but there are a myriad of problems, notably that there is only 28 hotel rooms in the entire town. Obviously I'll have to tell him how I feel about that tonight.

    Heh, I just realized something, in the above paragraph I wrote about what I wanted and what I've dreamed of. I guess I should consider him too, huh?

    Compromise. And patience is a virtue (well, so are chastity and obedience, but I blew those!).

    Anyway, thank you all. I think you're right. I'll just plan our summer with the cards on the table, not any that might still be in the deck (proposals, engagement parties).

    Thanks guys. This is really hard... :  wedding waiting scheduling Icon Redface

     
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    Bumble bee
    fizicsGirl    8/1/2009   Michigan

    I think that you're letting all of these events overwhelm you, when your real issue is that you're anxious to get engaged.  So I don't totally understand the whole, "waiting for him to propose if you've already decided to get married" thing, so take my advice with that in mind.  But I do think that it's a good idea not to miss the forest for the trees so to speak.  Getting married is a huge deal, and it can be very frustrating to feel that you have no control over that.  That's legitimate, and you don't need to dismiss those feelings.  My FI was ready to get married almost a year before I was, and I can't imagine how that must have felt for him.  I think it's important that he understand where you're coming from, but I also think it's important to allow him his space.  Are you sure that he's already planning to propose (I couldn't tell from your post)?  I mean, is this just about the logistics or is there a real question in your mind about his intentions?  If it's the former, maybe you go ahead and plan for that engagement party at the end of the summer.  You've already decided to get married, the ring will appear in its own time.  If the latter, well then that's something you really do need to discuss at least a bit.  But speaking as the one who dragged her feet, I would say that pushing him or rushing him isn't going to help your situation. He let me know where he stood, and that he was willing to wait until I got there (not forever, but he'd check in with me if something changed).  I just needed the space and time to be ready to get *married*.  For me it actually had a lot more to do with being married than it did with marrying my FI.  He's a paragon of patience (how could he not be and still be with me?)...and he didn't push at all.  Not everyone is that patient, but I still think it'll help you in the long run to give him the space he may need.

     
    15.
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    Busy bee
    CHK    July 10, 2010   Northern Idaho

    @ fizicsGirl- Thanks for your thought out reply. I appreciate it! (And everyone else's).

    I don't doubt that he's going to propose this summer sometime in the next 6 months. We picked out a ring in March, and has mentioned that he "has store credit" at the jewlery store (he's a blabbermouth when he drinks!). We've talked about a timeline; we'd like to get married sometime between June an October 2010. We've talked through locations (although apparently I hadn't moved on from my lake wedding as much as I though!). So yeah, my post is about logistics, rather than intentions.

    I, too, don't believe you have to wait to plan until the ring is on the finger. The problem? He does! So no looking at venues. No courtesy deposits. Essentially, no planning. Its annoying. But it also means that when we're in a time crunch this summer, essentially if its not on a calendar now (thinking of an engagement party), its probably not happening. It sucks, but that's what being a grown up is all about. (Having your life planned out 3 months in advance. I guess?)

    I really, really need to take everyone's advice and just enjoy the space we are in right now. We don't get the pre-engagement period back, right?

     

    Thanks for your consideration everyone. I was really upset this morning. Does anyone have a prescription for a chill pill!?

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    16.
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    Helper bee
    mowi322    October 3, 2009   flagstaff, az

    I think your summer is going to be great! My FI didn't think about the big picture either until I mentioned how long it takes to plan a wedding ("If we're not engaged by Feb, we can't get married in Oct like you want") and he STILL took his time! (he didn't propose until mid-end of March).  Anyway, maybe you can still plan to have a Labor Day getaway with family & maybe even a few friends and if you're engaged by then, call it an engagement party! 

     

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