Post # 1
Something is weighing on my conscience.
I have been a Maid of Honour for the last two years to my best friend and my cousin. I actually set up both of them with their respective husbands! I love these women (and their husbands) to pieces! They are a huge part of my life!
I always knew that my best friend would be my Maid of Honour and I would be hers. It was never a question for either of us. We are that much a part of each others lives. We are family in every way, except blood.
So this is the issue…
I believe that my cousin was hoping that I would ask her to be my Maid of Honour for a few reasons; because I was her Maid of Honour, because her husband is my fiancee’s Best Man (and my fiancee was his Best Man) and because we are family. It did cross my mind to choose her to be my Maid of Honour but I know in my heart that choosing my best friend was the right decision for me (for many reasons, which I won’t go into detail about).
My fiancee and I invited all of the members of our bridal party out for a surprise dinner, where we asked them to be part of our wedding party. I made little cards for everyone asking them to be our groomsmen, bridesmaids etc. We really love these people and paid for everyone’s dinner as a thank you. When my cousin saw her card asking her to be a bridesmaid, I could feel her disappointment. I was so happy that all of these people were there enjoying themselves, and that my best friend said yes to being my Maid of Honour, but it tore me up to know she was hurt.
Since then, I really feel this distance between us. I have spoken to family members about it and they say that she is being childish and will get over it, which I agree with to an extent. She will get over it and I know she will be there for me regardless. The thing is she is not the kind of person to talk openly or be confrontational and I feel that bringing it up would be awful and hurtful to her. I am a straight-shooter and call things as I see them but with her, I just can’t. She has this way of avoiding situations like this and in the process she pushes people away.
I think I have decided to just stay quiet and keep my feelings to myself in hopes that she gets over the hurt and disappointment. I just miss her and feel guilty. Has anyone been in a situation like this?
Post # 3
Can she be matron of honor since she is married?
ETA: nvm…they are both married. If it bothers you that she is upset then why not have 2 MOHs or just talk to her about it? I dont think not addressing it when you know she is hurt is a good thing to do.
Post # 4
@sevash: I think you need to have a conversation with her, difficult though it may be. I’ve been on the receiving end of a sorry-you’re-not-the-MOH conversation and it’s not easy but I survived. (Short version: “yes I’ve known you longer but I’ve grown closer to Sue; And I’m just so honoured to have 2 such wonderful friends to stand with me”).
In that conversation I think you should apologise to breaking it to her in a public place (i.e. at a dinner). I don’t think that was the right way to break it, because for her “bridesmaid” is kind of bad news rather than good news.
If you do decide to make her co-MOH after all (not that I’m suggesting you do that), make sure they actually share the MOH role. There was a post a few days ago from a girl who realised she was MOH in name only, the other MOH had all the MOH roles (toast, hold bouquet, sign register, stand closest in ceremony and photos, sit closest at reception).
Post # 5
@sevash: I think you should talk to her about it. I know its hard, but how else will you clear the air and find a resolution?
Also, if you are comfortable with it, she could be your MOH as well. Although, it might be too late for that.
Post # 6
@gelaine22: I contemplated having the two of them as Matron of Honours (sorry I just realized I used the incorrect term the entire post…). I just feel like why should I compromise how I feel to appease this behaviour? Also, if I did ask her to be my second Matron of Honour this will be the second wedding that she’s been in where this has happened to her. It’s quite a sticky situation. I still feel that I made the right choice. I guess I feel this an immature reaction on her part.
In regards to addressing it with her, I’m very unsure. How would one bring up a topic like this with someone who does everything to avoid confrontation? Historically, she has denied whenever she has been offended or upset, so that is why I’m having a hard time with this.
Post # 7
@paula1248: The thing is, it was never secret that my best friend was my choice. It came up in conversation hundreds of times over the last few years with her and her husband since we were all in wedding-mode all the time. So when it came time to ask everyone at the dinner, I really didn’t think she would react the way she has. In retrospect, I think she must have been really hoping I would have changed my mind and I just didn’t see that. That is why it is eating at me.
I think bringing it up, might be the only way. I just have no clue how it’s going to go without her being even more hurt or just ignoring/denying it entirely.