(Closed) This takes the wind out of my sails (2nd wedding)

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well it sounds as though you’ll be happy enough to go with the flow. 

I’m pretty familiar with your situation.  Try not to get bogged down with that.  Yeah, I understand you’re family probably spent a lot of money going to your destination wedding.  But if they can see (and maybe you could help them) that this time you’ve gotten it right, I’m sure they’d be excited to support you.  You could always let them know that you do not want them to give presents.  You simply would love fort hem to be a part of your day.  Also since it’s your Fi’s first wedding, at least his side won’t have that 2nd wedding dilemma.  Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I think you should celebrate however you want to! Plan as large or small an event as you’d like, and know that your true friends and family wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world. Your loved ones want to see you happy, and will be there with bells on to celebrate.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with saramari–your closest friends and family love and support you and will be happy no matter what you do when you get married. I’m sure they’d be excited to celebrate, whether in a small get-together or doing the whole wedding she-bang.

I honestly would feel awful if my friend thought that we didn’t think her marriage wasn’t something to celebrate, just because it happened to be a second wedding, and disapointed that we didn’t get to help them celebrate the start of something wonderful with even just a backyard barbeque.

Good luck! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Yes, your very best friends and family will probably be happy to go to wherever, if they can afford it.  The rest of the guests, well, maybe not.  To be honest, if I spent a lot of money to attend a wedding just a few years back for a friend, I might not be up for doing it again.  Its not because I wouldn’t be thrilled for the friend or want to celebrate with her – it is more that we all have a finite amount of resources, and incurring a lot of expense for two weddings for one friend in the spand of a few years IS asking a lot.  In the case that your guests don’t have to spend a lot to travel again, no biggie.  IF everyone has to get on a plane again, well, that is a different story.  Your "true" friends might not be any less true because they only have so much $$ and already spent a lot on your last celebration….

Post # 8
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I don’t think second marriages are that big of a deal… the divorce rate is 50 percent ๐Ÿ™‚  You shouldn’t let this get you down, the first time you were young- and now you know.  Yes though, it’s probable whose ever side is attending the wedding for a second time won’t be as generous.. but who cares? The couple is in love!

 

  On a side note, when you’re on your fourth marriage and expect your family to attend a destination wedding in  the caribbean- I think that’s a little ridiculous. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 9
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Just because there has been a previous marriage in your life, this marriage between the two of you is new and should be celebrated as you see fit. It’s not any less precious or special, is it?

I’m kind of in the same boat and feel robbed by some etiquette books. I’ve read Emily Post’s opinion that a second wedding should be less grand, but this is my first marriage (his second), and I don’t think that should make it any less important. We are standing up before family and friends (and God) and committing our lives to each other, and I would like them to be there. I can understand if some of his family doesn’t want to come; that is their perogative, I suppose. That is not going to stop us from celebrating and having the best day of our lives to celebrate the best days yet to come!!!

Post # 10
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Don’t look at it as an inconvenience! Your friends and family really WANT to celebrate with you, I’m sure of it. That’s one thing I’ve learned from wedding planning — people are genuinely excited to pitch in, and they really love it when you ask them to be included. I feel guilt sometimes about recruiting help and support, but the truth of the matter is that people really do want to be there for each other.

I think we underestimate our friends and family’s willingness to support — I know I do! It’s been really hard for me to open up and let people be there for me throughout this process, but it’s a wonderful opportunity to connect with the people I love by allowing myself to be vulnerable. 

Trust me — your friends and family really really really do want to celebrate with you and your fiance, and they’ll be genuinely happy to do so. Don’t feel guilty or like you’re inconveniencing anyone — just sit back and bask in the love.

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve had a few friends and family memebers who have gotten married more than once, or had anniversery parties and I never tire of going to these and always treat them as if they are the first wedding.  You shouldn’t worry, the people who love you will be happy and honored that you decided to share this with them.

Post # 12
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Honestly, my fiance had to talk me into NOT eloping or getting married at City Hall.  Articles like the one you mention sure seem to convey that those of us who have previous marriages have used our one-and-only wedding token. 

Due to my and my fiance’s age (we’re both 45) and previous weddings I thought that etiquette dictated we have a short, civil service.  But, as you (and my Sweetie) note, current etiquette allows for more elaborate 2nd weddings. 

Of course, we do have some older relatives (and even some younger friends) that advise we forego the 75+ guests, a sting quartet and a full-length gown.  But they are the minority.  We also have many other relatives and friends who are very happy for us and are excited to celebrate with us!  Even in this cruddy economy, most of those closest to us are still planning to travel to Tucson from as far away as Baltimore to share in our special day. 

While it sounds as if you also have the traveling guest practical consideration, don’t let negativity dissuade you from planning exactly the wedding and reception that is right for you!  After all – you got the groom right – you might as well get the celebration right too!

 

 

Post # 13
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is a beautiful post, Marquise, and I think you’ll find love and support from those around you no matter what you do. It’s easy, especially in these economic times, to feel like we’re putting others out to ask them to come and be with us to celebrate us, but the truth is that if they love you, they’ll WANT to be there, whether it’s your first marriage or not. The people who love you should know that this isn’t a whim, and that you aren’t just some serial bride. They’ll understand that it’s special to you to celebrate it now that you’ve found the right one for you. 

If the idea of asking them to come to a wedding and buy registry gifts makes you uncomfortable, I have a couple of suggestions. 

If your parents are okay with a courthouse wedding, why not do that, and then throw a party later that you could invite the whole family to? You could plan it around a holiday so that your family could make it an excuse to come together and see one another, as well as meeting your FH’s family. 

As far as registries, you could choose to ask that guests give donations to a charity that means a lot to the two of you in lieu of gifts. Those who still want to get you a toaster will do so, of course, but you won’t feel like you’re asking them to do so. 

Either way, embrace your choice. You know that you’re doing the right things for the right reasons, and those who love you will know it too!

Post # 14
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

You know I had to weigh in, right?

I struggle with so many of the same things you do, every day, with every decision.  But haven’t you been to someone’s second wedding?  Did you think snarky things about it?  And even if you thought them, did your thoughts affect them?  My point is, it’s okay to take a mulligan on the first marriage, deal with the crap that comes out of that, and decide to be happy in your second marriage/ wedding.  Nobody begrudges you that.  I promise.

That darned article focused on the bride’s perspective — well OF COURSE it’s skewed.  Being a bride turns any woman into a bit of wreck, and magnifies even the smallest insecurities. I’d be less worried about everyone else and more worried about whether, after such a traumatic, short, and recent first marriage, you’re emotionally ready to get married again.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t, just that you have work to do to be ready.  ya know?

Please don’t try to avoid embarassment by not asking your family, and then deprive you and your new husband of the love of your families in an important moment.  At the end of the day, what matters more than the stuff is the people — and as second-time brides, sometimes we make that the first thing to go.

If you’re worried that people will feel put out, then limit your guest list to those people who really love you… you know they want to see you happy, right?  And f everyone else.

I’m right there with ya.  I promise (heck, you know that if you read my posts).  I wanted to elope to avoid making my family go through another wedding with me, to find out later that they would have been incredibly hurt.  Turns out they were worried about me because I wasn’t making a big deal or "seeming happy" about this wedding, and I wasn’t making a big deal out of it for their sake!!

PM me if you ever need to.

Post # 15
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

Oh, one more thing: you can have just love and marriage AND a wedding.  Call it a party if you want, but my idea of a wedding has nothing to do with the clothes and the color coordination, and everything to do with the traditions — joining your beloved in front of those who love you (because as witnesses, they bear some responsibility to your marriage, and how cool is THAT because you can hit any of them up for help when things get tough) and then celebrating your joy!! 

I think that the best part about it being your second wedding (the silver lining, so to speak) is that you get to decide what matters to you and what doesn’t.  I bought my invites at Walmart for $13 on clearance, and I’m considering hand-writing them.  I know from experience that invites don’t matter to me.

Post # 16
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

My cousin was with his wife for 6 yrs before they married. I bought them an engagement, shower and wedding gift. I attended their wedding and wished them well. 6 mos later they got divorced. And you know what? I’m thrilled for him. It was a terrible marriage and he had doubts before. So when he does find "the one" and if they choose to go through all the traditions again I will happily buy them an engagement, shower and wedding gift b/c Their Relationship is totally seperate and deserves the attention/celebration/love that we all gave his first one. And I dare say, it deserves it more b/c of course we all expect him to get the second one right ๐Ÿ˜‰

ENJOY whatever you decide!

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