This whole concept is bullshit and it makes me angry.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@musician32992:  You have the power of choice. You can stay without the hope of marriage, or you can leave and find someone who shares your values. Or perhaps there is a legitimate reason you are waiting, and you can choose whether or not it’s acceptable to you.

Post # 5
11634 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You aren’t powerless.  Have a conversation with him about what you’re expecting, and tell him that you’d propose to him if you didn’t feel like he’d say no.  You can choose to wait, you can choose to continue on without dwelling on the proposal, and you can choose to leave.  To say that waiting for a marriage proposal takes away the eqaulity of women is very dramatic.

Post # 6
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree.  I wouldn’t have waited around for someone who wasn’t on the same page as I was.  

Post # 7
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve never felt powerless in my relationship. In fact there was no proposal, we had a conversation and came to a mutual decision to get married. It wasn’t very romantic or anything, but it was very us. We decided to take the next step together because we are equal partmers.

Post # 9
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@musician32992:  Honestly, I totally get it. SO and I have been verrrrry open about our timeline/ring/etc. because I feel similarly. If we’re BOTH making the decision to begin this next phase of our life then we should BOTH have a say on the timeline. I always say I want to know the answer before the question is asked and once we decided marriage is what we wanted we started looking at rings together – the cost of which we’re splitting. I’m definitely a Type A, in-control female so the idea of being even slightly submissive about…anything, really… doesn’t sit well with me. 

Post # 10
3156 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@musician32992:  I agree 10298342039 percent!  When we decided to discuss marriage (February 2011) he initially said he wanted to wait until the following February.  I point blank told him I wasn’t OK with that.  I wasn’t willing to wait.  We decided on a time frame.  I DO think you have a say and you need to communicate what you’re NOT willing to put up with.  

Post # 11
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@musician32992:  I understand.  I waited 8.5 years for my ring.  We knew we were going to get married, we had a rough timeline – it’s very important to us to be married before we have children and I’m 30 and would like kids sooner than later.  It was very frustrating for me, but I wasn’t willing to propose to FH, and I don’t think he would have appreciated it.  It is a very frustrating thing, but ultimately, if you and your SO know that you both want to marry each other, and you know that you’re not going anywhere, then you have 2 choices – Wait, or propose to him. 

Post # 13
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@musician32992:  I have felt like that before, it is incredibly frustrating!

I think it just lies in the old generalization that women are ready for marriage before men. So once HE is ready, it means you’re both ready. (Not always the case, I know).

Have you had a serious discussion with your SO about this? Is it something he wants at all or he is waiting for something? (finish school, financial stability, etc.) or is he just dilly dallying and playing house?

When I finally had the “what is taking you so long!” talk with my SO I realized he wanted to wait to graduate uni and find a steady job because HE feels proposing to me is a promise to me and my family that he will take care of me and he felt he needed those things in life to be in order so he could “prove” that.

Obviously, that’s not a requirement for me and – hey – I can take care of myself, and do, but he had a different mindset about engagement than I do.

I suggest having a calm and serious discussion with him. If it would “scare him off” or “pressure” him in anyway then he may not be the right one.

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